Too Bad It's Monday Jokes on Sunday

Since Monday is Memorial Day here in the U.S., I'm posting Monday's jokes on Sunday. Enjoy!

A guy goes in to see a psychologist and  says, "It seems I can't make any friends. Can you help me, you fat slob?"

Benny Shapiro worked at the Metropolitan Museum of Art. He used to tell his friends that he was the curator, although his primary job was to keep the exhibits clean and polished. One day he happened to be dusting around the Arabian exhibit, and he noticed an ancient urn that needed some cleaning. He got out his dust rag and began polishing. Low and behold, an enormous Genie appeared before him. 

"Master," the Genie began, "I am the Genie of the urn. I can grant you three wishes, but there is one condition I will put on you: You must never shave or cut your beard for the rest of your life, or you will be forced to take my place inside the urn forever."

Benny thought about it for a bit, and decided it was a fair condition for three wishes. So Benny wished for 49% of the total Microsoft stock which was promptly granted. Then he wished for the most beautiful woman in the world as his wife, and low and behold, she was. Finally, he wished for fame and fortune and he instantly became a worldwide celebrity.

Over the years, Benny's beard became longer and longer until it almost reached the floor. As it grew longer, it began to itch. He tried to ignore it, but the itch became more and more irritating, while the memory of the Genie's warning faded. 

Finally he decided he had to get rid of the beard and he shaved it off. Instantly he was trapped in the urn, to stay there forever.

The moral of the story: A Benny shaved is a Benny urned.

An investment counselor decided to go out on her own. She was shrewd and diligent, so business kept coming in, and pretty soon she realized that she needed an in-house counsel.

She began to interview young lawyers. "As I'm sure you can understand," she started off with one of the first applicants, "in a business like this, our personal integrity must be beyond question." 

She leaned forward. "Mr. Peterson, are you an honest lawyer?" 

"Honest?" replied the job prospect. "Let me tell you something about honest. Why, I'm so honest that my father lent me $15,000 for my education, and I paid back every penny the minute I tried my very first case." 

"Impressive. And what sort of case was that?"

The lawyer squirmed in his seat and admitted, "He sued me for the money."

A man hurriedly walked into a tavern. He dashed up to the bar and said to the bartender, "Gimme a double, before it hits the fan." The man guzzled down his drink, and a few minutes later, came the same urgent request. "Gimme a beer before it hits the fan."

This goes on for an hour or so. Finally the Bartender goes up to the guy and says, "Listen buddy, maybe you should pay before you get another drink."

The man replied, "Oops, looks like it just hit the fan."

My Grandfather was one of the wisest men I ever knew. I still remember his only advice to me concerning women. 

"Norman," he said, "Trust me on this one, even if you do eventually understand women, you'll never believe it anyway."

A government employee sat in his office, and out of boredom, decided to see what was inside his old filing cabinet. He poked through the contents and came across an old brass lamp. 

"This will look good on my mantel," he said, and took it home with him. 

While polishing the lamp, a genie appeared and, as usual, granted him three wishes. 

"I would like an ice-cold Coke right now." He gets his Coke and drinks it. 

Now that he can think more clearly, he states his second wish. "I wish to be on an island with beautiful women, who find me irresistible." 

Suddenly, he's on an island with gorgeous women eyeing him lustfully. He tells the genie his third and last wish. "I wish I'd never have to work again."

Instantly, he was back in his government office.

A social worker is facing a mugger with a gun. "Your money or your life!" says the mugger. 

"I'm sorry," the social worker answers, "I am a social worker, so I have no money and no life."

A girl invites her boyfriend  over for dinner with her parents. Since this is such a big event, the girl tells him that after dinner she wants to have sex with him for the first time.

The boy is ecstatic, but nervous because he's a virgin. He goes to the pharmacy to get some condoms. He tells the pharmacist his situation and asks for advice. The pharmacist tells him everything there is to know about sex. At the register, the pharmacist asks how many condoms he'd like to buy: a 3-pack or a 10-pack. The boy says he feels lucky and insists on the 10-pack.

That night, the boy shows up for dinner a little late. His girlfriend meets him at the door leads him straight to the dinner table where her parents are already seated. The boy sits down, quickly offers to say grace and bows his head. A minute passes, and the boy is still silent with his head down. Five minutes pass, and still no movement from the boy.

Finally, after 10 minutes, the girlfriend leans over and whispers to the boy, "I had no idea you were this religious."

The boy turns and whispers back, "I had no idea your father was a pharmacist." 

A lawyer and his Czech friend were camping in a backwoods section of Montana. One morning, the two went out to pick berries for their breakfast.

They went gathering berries in tremendous quantities, along came two huge bears, a male and a female. The lawyer, seeing the two bears, immediately dashed for cover. His friend, though, wasn't so lucky, and the male bear reached him and swallowed him whole. 

The lawyer ran back to his Mercedes, tore into town as fast as he could, and got the local sheriff. The sheriff grabbed his shotgun and dashed back to the berry patch with the lawyer. Sure enough, the two bears were still there. 

"He's in THAT one!" cried the lawyer, pointing to the male, while visions of lawsuits from his friend's family danced in his head. He just had to save his friend. The sheriff looked at the bears, and without batting an eye, leveled his gun, took careful aim, and shot the female. 

"What did you do that for!" exclaimed the lawyer, "I said he was in the other!" 

"Exactly," replied the sheriff. "Would YOU believe a lawyer who told you the Czech was in the male?"

Two blonde men were working on a house. The one who was nailing down siding would reach into his nail pouch, pull out a nail and either toss it over his shoulder or nail it in. 

The other blonde guy, figuring this was worth looking into, asked, "Why are you throwing those nails away?" 

The first explained, "If I pull a nail out of my pouch and it's pointed TOWARD me, I throw it away 'cause it's defective. If it's pointed toward the HOUSE, then I nail it in!" 

The second blonde guy got completely upset and yelled, "You MORON! The nails that are pointed toward you aren't defective! They're for the OTHER side of the house!"

WORDS OF WISDOM

• I bought a cactus. A week later it died. And I got depressed, because I thought, Damn! I am less nurturing than a desert.~ Demetri Martin
  
• The trouble with having an open mind, of course, is that people will insist on coming along and trying to put things in it. ~ Terry Pratchett
  
• There is no such thing as "fun for the whole family." ~ Jerry Seinfeld
  
• I wonder if other dogs think poodles are members of a weird religious cult.~ Rita Rudner
  
• You can't say that civilization don't advance; however, for in every war they kill you in a new way. ~ Will Rogers
  
• We can easily forgive a child who is afraid of the dark; the real tragedy of life is when men are afraid of the light. ~ Plato
  
• Only in America can one find significant numbers of Christians who argue that unfettered capitalism represents God's Plan for human thriving. ~ Peter Laarman
  
• If I'd written all the truth I knew for the past ten years, about 600 people - including me - would be rotting in prison cells from Rio to Seattle today. Absolute truth is a very rare and dangerous commodity in the context of professional journalism. ~ Hunter S. Thompson
  
• Military intelligence is a contradiction in terms. ~ Groucho Marx
  
• I took a speed reading course and read 'War and Peace' in twenty minutes. It involves Russia. ~    Woody Allen
  
• From now on, ending a sentence with a preposition is something up with which I will not put. ~ Sir Winston Churchill
  

KATZ