Too Bad It's Monday Jokes & Humor on the Monday After Pentecost

In the spring of 2005, shortly after I began blogging, I began posting the jokes I had received in my previous week’s email under the title Too Bad It’s Monday (T.B.I.M.) as the reverse of T.G.I.F. (Thank God It’s Friday). So again I am going to share with you what I consider to be the best of the humor I have received in the past week. You may not agree with all of my choices, but if even one joke brings you a smile on T.B.I.M., my goal has been achieved. 

The Schitt Family History is finally revealed. 

Many people are at a loss for a response when someone says "You don't know Jack Schitt!"  Read on and you'll be able to handle the situation intelligently. 

Jack is the only son of Awe Schitt and O. Schitt. Awe Schitt, the fertilizer magnate, married O. Schitt, a partner of Kneedeep & Schitt, Inc. 

Jack Schitt married Noe Schitt, and the deeply religious couple begat 6 children: Holie Schitt, Fulla Schitt, Giva Schitt, Bull Schitt, and the twins, Deap Schitt and Dip Schitt. 

Against her parents' wishes, Deap Schitt married Dumb Schitt, a high school dropout. 

After 15 years of marriage, Jack & Noe Schitt divorced. Noe Schitt later married a Mr. Sherlock, and out of devotion to her children, decided to hyphenate her last name, and became Noe Schitt-Sherlock. 

Dip Schitt married a woman named Loda Dung, who became Loda Schitt. The couple produced a nervous son, Chicken Schitt. 

Fulla Schitt and Giva Schitt, inseperable thoughout childhood subsequently married the Happens brothers. The local newspaper announced the Schitt-Happens wedding, which was quite an event. The Schitt-Happens children were Dawg, Byrd, and Hoarse. 

Bull Schitt, the prodigal son, left home to tour the world. He returned from his travels with his Italian bride, Piza Schitt. 

So, now if someone says "You don't know Jack Schitt", you can beg to differ. You not only know Jack Schitt, but everyone on the Schitt list!

YOU KNOW YOU ARE LIVING IN 2009 when... 
1. You accidentally enter your PIN on the microwave. 
2. You haven't played solitaire with real cards in years. 
3. You have a list of 15 phone numbers to reach your family of three. 
4. You e-mail the person who works at the desk next to you. 
5. Your reason for not staying in touch with friends and family is that they don't have e-mail addresses. 
6. You pull up in your own driveway and use your cell phone to see if anyone is home to help you carry in the groceries. 
7. Every commercial on television has a web site at the bottom of the screen 
8. Leaving the house without your cell phone, which you didn't even have the first 20 or 30 (or 60) years of your life, is now a cause for panic and you turn around to go and get it. 
10. You get up in the morning and go on line before getting your coffee. 
11. You start tilting your head sideways to smile. : ) 
12. You're reading this and nodding and laughing. 
13. Even worse, you know exactly to whom you are going to forward this message. 
14. You are too busy to notice there was no #9 on this list. 
15. You actually scrolled back up to check that there wasn't a #9 on this list. 
~~~~~~~~~~~AND FINALLY~~~~~~~~~~~~

NOW U R LAUGHING at yourself.

The psychology instructor had just finished a lecture on mental health and had proceeded to give an oral quiz to the freshman class. 

Speaking specifically about manic depression, the instructor asked, "How would you diagnose a patient who walks back and forth screaming at the top of his lungs one minute, then sits in a chair weeping uncontrollably the next?" 

A young man in the rear of the room raised his hand and answered, "A basketball coach?"

A teacher was giving a lesson on the circulation of the blood. Trying to make the matter clearer, she said, 'Now, class, if I stood on my head, the blood, as you know, would run into it, and I would turn red in the face.'

'Yes,' the class said.

'Then why is it that while I am standing upright in the ordinary position the blood doesn't run into my feet?'

A little fellow shouted,  'Cause your feet ain't empty.' 

A thief and his girlfriend were walking down Main Street when she spotted a beautiful diamond ring in a jewelry store window. "Wow, I'd sure love to have that!" she said.

"No problem, baby," the thief says, throwing a brick through the glass and grabbing the ring. 

A few blocks later, his girlfriend was admiring a leather jacket in another shop window. "What I would give to own that!" she said. 

"Sure thing, darling," the guy says again, throwing another brick through the window and snatching the coat. 

Finally, turning for home, they pass a Mercedes car dealership. "Boy, I would do anything for one of those!" she said to her boyfriend. 

"Forget that!" the guy moans. "Do you think I'm made of bricks or something?" 

SIGNS THAT YOU ARE NO LONGER IN COLLEGE

-- You no longer know what time fast food drive-thru windows close.

-- Your potted plants stay alive.

-- You pay at least a dollar more than the minimum payment on your credit card bill.

-- Your friends' hook-ups and break-ups are now marriages and divorces.

-- You attend parties that the police don't raid.

-- You're not expected to leave the room when the adults are talking.

-- You refer to college students as "those kids."

-- You drink wine, scotch and martinis instead of just beer, beer and beer.

-- You feed your dog Science Diet instead of leftover pizza.

-- At 6 a.m., you're putting your contact lens in instead of taking them out.

-- Naps are no longer weekday options.

-- Dating involves dinner and a movie, not keggers and Ecstasy.

-- Grocery lists contain more than toilet paper and potato chips.

-- You leave parties because you have a busy day tomorrow, not because the EMS guy has strapped you down. 

A man has a heart attack and is brought to the hospital ER. The doctor tells him that he will not live unless he has a heart transplant right away. Another doctor runs into the room and says, "you're in luck, two hearts just became available, so you will get to choose which one you want. One belongs to an attorney and the other to a social worker."

The man quickly responds, "the attorney's."

The doctor says, "Wait! Don't you want to know a little about them before you make your decision?"

The man says, "I already know enough. We all know that social workers are bleeding hearts and the attorney's probably never used his. So I'll take the attorney's!"

The Devil walks into a crowded bar. Within seconds the bar emptied with people running out screaming all over the place, all except for one old man leaned over the bar.

The Devil wanders across to the old man and says “Do you know how I am?”

The old man took another sip of his beer and answered “Yep” 

The Devil stared at the old man and asked “Well aren’t you afraid of me?” 

The old boy looks the Devil up and down for a minute and shrugs “I married your sister 40 years ago, why the heck should I be scared of you?”

WORDS OF WISDOM

• I think on-stage nudity is disgusting, shameful and damaging to all things American. But if I were 22 with a great body, it would be artistic, tasteful, patriotic and a progressive religious experience. ~ Shelley Winters
  
• It is a mistake to think you can solve any major problems just with potatoes. ~ Douglas Adams
  
• Nothing is more conducive to peace of mind than not having any opinions at all. ~ Georg Christoph Lichtenberg
  
• Biography lends to death a new terror. ~ Oscar Wilde
  
• It is no measure of health to be well adjusted to a profoundly sick society. ~ Krishnamurti
  
• It has been my experience that folks who have no vices have very few virtues. ~ Abraham Lincoln
  
• The one function TV news performs very well is that when there is no news we give it to you with the same emphasis as if there were. ~ David Brinkley
  
• How can you soar like an eagle when you're surrounded by turkeys? ~ Unknown
  
• I like pigs. Dogs look up to us. Cats look down on us. Pigs treat us as equals. ~ Sir Winston Churchill 
  
• A banker is a fellow who lends you his umbrella when the sun is shining, but wants it back the minute it begins to rain. ~ Mark Twain
  
• Diplomacy is the art of saying 'Nice doggie' until you can find a rock. ~ Will Rogers
  
• The worst thing about Europe is that you can't go out in the middle of the night and get a Slurpee. ~ Tellis Frank
  

KATZ