Too Bad It's Monday Jokes & Humor

In the spring of 2005, shortly after I began blogging, I began posting the jokes I had received in my previous week’s email under the title Too Bad It’s Monday (T.B.I.M.) as the reverse of T.G.I.F. (Thank God It’s Friday). So again I am going to share with you what I consider to be the best of the humor I have received in the past week. You may not agree with all of my choices, but if even one joke brings you a smile on T.B.I.M., my goal has been achieved.

Father O'Malley, the new priest is nervous about hearing confessions, so he asks the older priest to sit in on his sessions. The new priest hears a couple of confessions, then the old priest asks him to step out of the confessional for a few suggestions.

The old priest suggests, "Cross you arms over your chest, and rub your chin with one hand." The new priest tries this.

The old priest suggests, "Try saying things like, 'I see, yes, go on, I understand and how did you feel about that?" The new priest says those things.

The old priest says, "Now, don't you think that's a little better than slapping your knee and saying 'No shite! What happened next?"

Once upon a time, in a land far away, a beautiful, independent, self assured princess happened upon a frog as she sat, contemplating ecological issues on the shores of an unpolluted pond in a verdant meadow near her castle.

The frog hopped into the princesses lap and said: "Elegant Lady, I was once a handsome prince, until an evil witch cast a spell upon me. One kiss from you, however, and I will turn back into the dapper, young prince that I am, and then, my sweet, we can marry and setup housekeeping in yon castle with my mother, where you can prepare my meals, clean my clothes, bear my children, and forever feel grateful and happy doing so."

That night, the princess dined sumptuously on a repast of lightly sautéed frog legs seasoned in a white wine and shallot cream sauce.

A kid asks his father for help on a writing assignment. "Dad, can you tell me the difference between potential and reality?"

His father looks up thoughtfully and says, "I'll demonstrate. Go ask your mother if she would sleep with Robert Redford for a million dollars. Then go ask your sister if she would sleep with Brad Pitt for a million dollars. Come back and tell me what you've learned."

The kid is puzzled, but asks his mother. "Mom, if someone gave you a million dollars, would you sleep with Robert Redford?"

"Don't tell your father, but, yes, I would."

He then goes to his sister's room. "Sis, if someone gave you a million dollars, would you sleep with Brad Pitt?"

She replies, "Omigod! Definitely!"

The kid goes back to his father. "Dad, I think I've figured it out. Potentially, we are sitting on $2 million bucks, but in reality, we're living with two sluts."

Murphy's Laws of Computing

- When computing, whatever happens, behave as though you meant it to happen.

- When you get to the point where you really understand your computer, it's probably obsolete.

- The first place to look for information is in the section of the manual where you least expect to find it.

- When the going gets tough, upgrade.

- For every action, there is an equal and opposite malfunction.

- He who laughs last probably made a back-up.

- A complex system that does not work is invariably found to have evolved from a simpler system that worked just fine.

- The number one cause of computer problems is computer solutions.

- A computer program will always do what you tell it to do, but rarely what you want to do.

Mickey Mouse, Donald Duck, and an honest attorney are locked in an officewith a bag full of cash: $1,000,000 in small bills.

Q. What happens next?

A. Nothing, they are all fictional characters.

A hitchhiker in the hills of Tennessee was picked up by a hillbilly who pulled a gun on him and ordered him to take a bottle of corn moonshine from the glove compartment of the car.

"Drink it," the hillbilly ordered, waving the gun. The hitchhiker took a swallow from the bottle, gasped, gulped, sobbed, blinked, wept, gagged, choked, shuddered, squirmed, and twitched.

"All right," the hillbilly said. "Now you take the gun and force me to take a drink."

The company personnel department had carefully interviewed thirty-eight people for the job of assistant to the financial director.

The chief executive thought that one candidate - Charles - seemed ideal. Charles had been to a major public school. Not only was he a qualified accountant, but Charles also had a masters degree in business administration. He seemed fully aware of the latest creative accountancy techniques.

'Charles,' said the chief executive, 'we've decided to offer you the job. And as you're so well qualified we've decided to start you off on a slightly higher salary than the one advertised. We'll pay you 36,000 pounds a year.'

'Thank you,' replied Charles. 'But how much is that per month?'

A guy sits at a bar in a skyscraper restaurant high above the city. He slams a shot of tequila, goes over to the window and jumps out.

The guy sitting next to him can't believe what he just saw. He's more surprised when, 10 minutes later, the same guy walks back into the bar and sits down next to him.

The astonished onlooker asks, "How did you do that? I just saw you jump out the window, and we're hundreds of feet above the ground!"

The jumper responds by slurring, "Well, I don't get it either. I slam a shot of tequila, and when I jump out the window, the tequila makes me slow down right before I hit the ground. Watch." He takes a shot, goes to the window and jumps out.

The other guy runs to the window and watches as the guy falls to just above the sidewalk, slows down and lands softly on his feet. A few minutes later, the jumper walks back into the bar.

The other guy has to try it, too, so he orders a shot of tequila. He slams it and jumps out the window. As he reaches the bottom, he doesn't slow down at all. SPLAT!

The first guy orders another shot of tequila. The bartender shakes his head. "You're really an a**hole when you're drunk, Superman."

WISE WORDS

• There's no trick to being a humorist when you have the whole government working for you. ~ Will Rogers
• Such praise coming from so degraded a source, was degrading to me, its recipient. ~ Cicero
• Any fool can make a rule, and any fool will mind it. ~ Henry David Thoreau
• Finance is the art of passing money from hand to hand until it finally disappears. ~ Robert W. Sarnoff
• Patriotism is the willingness to kill and be killed for trivial reasons. ~ Bertrand Russell
• Those who welcome death have only tried it from the ears up. ~ Wilson Mizner
• The marvel of all history is the patience with which men and women submit to burdens unnecessarily laid upon them by their governments. ~ William H. Borah
• Familiarity breeds contempt - and children. ~ Mark Twain
• I find television very educating. Every time somebody turns on the set, I go into the other room and read a book. ~ Groucho Marx
• If there is, in fact, a Heaven and a Hell, all we know for sure is that Hell will be a viciously overcrowded version of Phoenix... ~ Hunter S. Thompson
• Live in such a way that you would not be ashamed to sell your parrot to the town gossip. ~ Will Rogers

KATZ