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Monday, November 23, 2009

Too Bad It's Monday Jokes & Humor


I
n the spring of 2005, shortly after I began blogging, I began posting the jokes I had received in my previous week’s email under the title Too Bad It’s Monday (T.B.I.M.) as the reverse of T.G.I.F. (Thank God It’s Friday). So again I am going to share with you what I consider to be the best of the humor I have received in the past week. You may not agree with all of my choices, but if even one joke brings you a smile on T.B.I.M., my goal has been achieved.



Jolene was 8 years old and lived in the country with her parents and brother. The family did not often have visitors from the city. One day Jolene's mother said that her father was bringing two guests home for Thanksgiving dinner.

After they had enjoyed the turkey, Jolene went to the kitchen to help her mother, proudly brought in the first piece of pumpkin pie, and gave it to her father. He then passed the plate to a guest. When Jolene came in with the second piece and gave it to his father, he again gave it to a guest.

This was too much for Little Jolene, who blurted out, It's no use, Daddy. The pieces are all the same size.





At the outpatient surgery center where I work, the anesthesiologist often chatted with patients before their operations to help them relax.

One day he thought he recognized a woman as a co-worker at the VA hospital where he had trained.

When the patient confirmed that his hunch was correct, he said, "So, tell me, is the food still as bad there as it used to be?"

"Well, I suppose," she replied, "I'm still cooking it."




Tommy and Billy were discussing the their latest turkey shoot. Tommy says emphatically,
“I am never going to take my wife Laura shooting with me ever again, Billy!”

“That bad, eh?” enquires Billy smiling.

“Yeah, Laura did everything wrong, got nothing right. She chattered too much, constantly disturbed the undergrowth, loaded the wrong gauge shot in the gun, used the wrong luring whistles and worst of all,” bellows Tommy, “she shot more turkeys than me!”


The three wise men visit Joseph and Mary in the stable to see the newborn son. One extremely tall wise man hits his head on the door frame and exclaims, "Jesus Christ!"

Joseph looks at Mary and says, "Write that down -- that's better than Clyde."








A motorist gets caught in an automated speed trap that photographs his car.

He later receives a ticket in the mail for $40 with a photo of his car.

Instead of payment, he sends the police department a photograph of $40.

A few days later, he gets a letter from the police department with a picture of handcuffs.



A blonde was walking down a road carrying a bag, when a guy came along.

The guy asks, ''What are you carrying?''
''Melons,'' the blonde replies.

''Cool," the guy says. "If I can guess how many there are, can I have one of them?''

The blonde giggles and says, ''If you can guess how many there are, you can have BOTH of them.''




Martha had a parrot called Brutus, the only problem was that Brutus cussed something awful. Now Martha was having her in-laws over for Thanksgiving, and so she needed to train Brutus quickly not to swear.

Just before her Mother-in-law was due Brutus cussed terribly, so Martha but him in the freezer for 2 minutes to literally cool off. Then she opened the door and took out the parrot along with the turkey.

'And have you learned your lesson about cussing?' Martha asked the parrot.

Brutus the parrot took one look at the dead turkey and said: 'I sure have. But I have one I have a question, "What did the turkey do?" '



A man dies and goes to Heaven. He gets to meet GOD and asks GOD if he can ask him a few questions.

"Sure," GOD says, "Go right ahead".

"OK," the man says. "Why did you make women so pretty?"

GOD says, "So you would like them."

"OK," the guy says. "But how come you made them so beautiful?"

"So you would LOVE them", GOD replies.

The man ponders a moment and then asks, "But why did you make them such airheads?"

GOD says, "So they would love you!"




Eddie in Dallas calls his son in New York just before Thanksgiving and tells him, 'I am sorry to tell you but your mother and I are going to divorcing. I just cannot take any more of her moaning. We can't stand the sight of each other any more.' I am telling you first, Eddie, because you are the eldest, please tell your sister.’

When Eddie calls his sister Julie, she says: 'No way are they getting divorced, I will go over and see them for Thanksgiving.'

Julie phones here parents and tells them both 'You must NOT get divorced. Promise you won't do anything until I get over there. I'm calling Eddie, and we'll both be there with you tomorrow. Until then, don't take any action, please listen to me', and hangs up.

The father puts down the phone and turns to his wife and says. ’It worked,’ he says, 'Eddie and Julie are coming for Thanksgiving and they are both paying their own way.'


Blonde Q & A

Q. Why did the blonde cross the road?
A. I don't know, and neither does she.

Q. What do you ask a blonde in a drive-thru?
A. Is that for here or to go?

Q. What do you call a blonde with a half a brain?
A. Gifted!

Q. What is a blonde's idea of safe sex?
A. Locking the car door.

Q. How do you sink a submarine full of blondes?
A. Knock on the hatch.


KATZ












8 comments:

  1. Maybe I'm in the right mood for it, but these tickled me even more than usual!

    I love the bellyrub password, and cracked up over the toilet paper cats!

    OK, Nick, my day is off to a good start!! Thanks!

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  2. Lynilu: Great! My objective has been achieved! May you have a good week and blessed T'day!

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  3. i luv the woo hoo kitty!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

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  4. We laughed lots. Thank you.

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