Too Bad It's Monday Jokes & Humor

In the spring of 2005, shortly after I began blogging, I began posting the jokes I had received in my previous week’s email under the title Too Bad It’s Monday (T.B.I.M.) as the reverse of T.G.I.F. (Thank God It’s Friday). So again I am going to share with you what I consider to be the best of the humor I have received in the past week. You may not agree with all of my choices, but if even one joke brings you a smile on T.B.I.M., my goal has been achieved.

Three men were hiking through a forest when they came upon a large raging, violent river.

Needing to get to the other side, the first man prayed:

' God, please give me the strength to cross the river. '

Poof! ....

God gave him big arms and strong legs and he was able to swim across in about 2 hours, having almost drowned twice.

After witnessing that, the second man prayed: ' God, please give me strength and the tools to cross the river '

Poof! .....

God gave him a rowboat and strong arms and strong legs and he was able to row across in about an hour after almost capsizing once.

Seeing what happened to the first two men, the third man prayed: 'God, please give me the strength, the tools and the intelligence to cross the river '

Poof!...

He was turned into a woman. She checked the map, hiked one hundred yards up stream and walked across the bridge.

Once upon a time there was a woman who had an artist paint a portrait of her covered with the most amazingly beautiful and expensive jewels.

Her explanation: "If I die and my husband re-marries, I want his next wife to go crazy looking for the jewels."

YOU KNOW YOUR FROM NYC WHEN...

You Know You're From New York City When...

You're 35 years old and don't have a driver's license.

You ride in a subway car with no air conditioning just because there are seats available.

You take the train home and you know exactly where on the platform the doors will open that will leave you right in front of the exit stairway.

You know what a "regular" coffee is.

It's not Manhattan...... It's the "city".

There is no north and south. It's "uptown" or "downtown." If you're really from New York you have absolutely no concept of where north and south are.... And east or west is "crosstown."

You cross the street anywhere but on the corners and you yell at cars for not respecting your right to do it.

You move 3,000 miles away, spend 10 years learning the local language and people still know you're from Brooklyn the minute you open your mouth.

You return after 10 years and the first foods you want are a "real" pizza and a "real" bagel.

A 500 square foot apartment is large.

You know the differences between all the different Ray's pizzas.

You are not under the mistaken impression that any human being would be able to actually understand a p.a. Announcement on the subway.

You wouldn't bother ordering pizza in any other city.

You get ready to order dinner every night and must choose from the major food groups which are: Chinese, Italian, Mexican or Indian.

You're not the least bit interested in going to Times Square on New Year's eve.

Your internal clock is permanently set to know when alternate side of the street parking regulations are in effect.

Someone bumps into you, and you check for your wallet.

You don't even notice the lady walking down the road having a perfectly normal conversation with herself.

You pay "only" $230 a month to park your car.

The presidential visit is a major traffic jam, not an honor.

You can nap on the subway and never miss your stop.

The deli guy gives you a straw with any beverage you buy, even if it's a beer.

Lost at sea, two Irishmen, Patrick & Michael, were adrift in a lifeboat following a dramatic escape from a burning freighter. While rummaging through the boat's provisions, Patrick stumbled across an old lamp. Secretly hoping that a genie would appear, he rubbed the lamp vigorously.

To his amazement, a genie came forth. This particular genie, however, stated that he could only deliver one wish, not the standard three. Without giving much thought to the matter, Patrick blurted out, "Make the entire ocean into Guinness Beer!” The genie clapped his hands with a deafening crash, and immediately the entire sea turned into the finest brew ever sampled by mortals.

Simultaneously, the genie vanished. Only the gentle lapping of Guinness on the hull broke the stillness as the two men considered their circumstances. Michael looked disgustedly at Patrick and after a long, tension filled moment, he spoke. "Nice going Patrick! Now we're going to have to pee in the boat."

A man was bragging about his sister who disguised herself, as a man and joined the army.

"But, wait a minute," said the listener, "She'll have to dress with the boys and shower with them too. Won't she?"

"Sure," replied the man.

"Well, won't they find out?"

"And who's gonna tell?"


The teenager lost a contact lens while playing basketball in his driveway. After a fruitless search, he told his mother the lens was nowhere to be found.

Undaunted, she went outside and in a few minutes, returned with the lens in her hand.

"How did you manage to find it, Mom?" the teenager asked.

"We weren't looking for the same thing," she replied.

"You were looking for a small piece of plastic. I was looking for $150."

KATZ