Monday, March 15, 2010

Too Bad It's Monday Jokes & Humor:

A wedding occurred, just outside Cavan in Ireland. To keep tradition going,
everyone got drunk and the bride's and groom's families have a storming row and begin wrecking the reception room and generally kicking the crap out of each other.

The Police get called in to break up the fight. The following week, all members of both families appear in court. The fight continues in the court room until the Judge finally brings calm with the use of his hammer, shouting "Silence in Court".

The court room goes silent and Paddy (the best man) stands up and says, "Judge.. I was the best man at the wedding and I think I should explain what happened".

The Judge agrees and asks Paddy to take the stand. Paddy begins his explanation by telling the court that it is traditional in a Cavan wedding that the Best Man gets the first dance with the Bride. The judge says "OK".

"Well", said Paddy, "After I had finished the first dance, the music kept going, so I continued dancing to the second song, and after that the music kept going and I was dancing to the third song.. when all of a sudden the Groom leapt over the table, ran towards us and gave the Bride an unmerciful kick in her privates".

The Judge instantly responded... "That must of hurt!"

Paddy replies "HURT! ... He broke three of me fingers."

A drunk staggers into a Church,in Dublin and enters a confessional booth, sits down, but says nothing.

The Priest coughs a few times to get his attention, but the drunk continues to sit there.
Finally, the Priest pounds three times on the wall.

The drunk mumbles, 'Ain't no use knockin', there's no paper on this side either.'

Brenda O'Malley is home making dinner, as usual, when Tim Finnegan arrives at her door.  'Brenda , may I come in?' he asks. 'I've somethin' to tell ya'.

'Of course you can come in, you're always welcome, Tim ...  But where's my husband?'

'That's what I'm here to be telling ya, Brenda.  There was an accident down at the Guinness brewery'

'Oh, God no!' cries Brenda.  'Please don't tell me.'

'I must, Brenda.  Your husband Shamus is dead and gone.  I'm sorry.'

Finally, she looked up at Tim.  'How did it happen, Tim?’

'It was terrible, Brenda...  He fell into a vat of Guinness Stout, and drowned.'

'Oh my dear Jesus!  But you must tell me true, Tim, did he at least go quickly?'

'Well, Brenda, no.  In fact, he got out three times to pee.'

Into a Belfast pub comes Paddy Murphy, looking like he'd just been run over by a train.  His arm is in a sling, his nose is broken, his face is cut, and bruised, and he's walking with a limp.
'What happened to you?' asks Sean, the bartender.' 

'Jamie O'Conner and me had a fight,' says Paddy.

'That little O'Conner ,' says Sean , 'He couldn't do that to you, he must have had something in his hand.'

'That he did,' says Paddy, 'a shovel is what he had, and a terrible lickin' he gave me with it.'

'Well,' says Sean , 'you should have defended yourself.  Didn't you have something in your hand?'

That I did,' said Paddy, ' Mrs. O'Conner's breast, and a thing of beauty it was; but useless in a fight.'

There was this haunted house on the outskirts of the town which was avoided by all the town folk - the ghost which `lived' there was feared by all.

However, an enterprising journalist named Timothy decided to get the scoop of the day by photographing the fearsome phantom. When he entered the house, armed with only his camera, the ghost descended upon him, clanking chains et al. He told the ghost "I mean no harm - I just want your photograph". The ghost was quite happy at this chance to make the headlines - he posed for a number of ghostly shots.

The happy journalist rushed back to his dark room, and began developing the photos. Unfortunately, they turned out to be black and underexposed.

So what's the moral of the story?

The spirit was willing but the flash was weak.

Voted Best Joke in Ireland:

John O'Reilly hoisted his beer and said, "Here's to spending the rest of me life!  Between the legs of me wife!"

That won him the top prize at the pub for the best toast of the night!

He went home and told his wife, Mary, "I won the prize for the Best toast of the night."

She said, "Aye, did ye now.  And what was your toast?"

John said, "Here's to spending the rest of me life, sitting in church beside me wife."

"Oh, that is very nice indeed, John!" Mary said.

The next day, Mary ran into one of John's drinking buddies on the street corner.

The man chuckled leeringly and said, "John won the prize the other night at the pub with a toast about you, Mary."

She said, "Aye, he told me, and I was a bit surprised myself.  You know, he's only been there twice in the last four years.  Once he fell asleep and the other time I had to pull him by the ears to make him come.'



  1. And a very Happy St Patrick's Day to you, too, Nick. Slainte!

  2. Thanks for making me smile today.
    Wait a minute, isn't St. Patrick's day on the 17th? Have a great one.

  3. Happy almost St. Patrick's Day and thanks for the jokes!

  4. Good post and this post helped me alot in my college assignement. Gratefulness you seeking your information.

  5. Loved the Irish jokes Nick.
    Happy St Patrick's Day to you for the 17th. :)

  6. Some good Irish humor to start the week off is excellent and well appreciated. Hope you are well. Mama Bear hugs sent your way today and all.

  7. Sorry to come in so late today, it's almost Tuesday over here.
    As always a great post.
    much love

  8. Thanks for the laughs, Pastor Nick!

  9. Sorry for my bad english. Thank you so much for your good post. Your post helped me in my college assignment, If you can provide me more details please email me.