Too Bad It's Monday (TBIM) Jokes & Humor

 

Three vampires walk into a bar. The first one says, "I'll have a pint of blood."

The second one says, "I'll have one, too."

The third one says, "I'll have a pint of plasma."

The bartender says, "So, that'll be two Bloods and a Blood Lite?"




One night a fellow drove his secretary home after she had imbibed a little too much at an office reception. Although this was an innocent gesture, he decided not to mention it to his wife, who tended to get jealous easily.

The next night the man and his wife were driving to a restaurant. Suddenly he looked down and spotted a high-heel shoe half hidden under the passenger seat. Not wanting to be conspicuous, he waited until his wife was looking out her window before he scooped up the shoe and tossed it out of the car.

With a sigh of relief, he pulled into the restaurant parking lot. That's when he noticed his wife squirming around in her seat. "Honey," she asked, "have you seen my other shoe?"

BEST MOTORCYCLE

 

BEST BOAT

BEST FISHIN' DOCK

BEST BBQ GRILL

BEST DOGHOUSE

BEST ENDORSEMENT

BEST PET CARRIER

BEST WEDDING CAKE

BEST PALM PILOT

BEST DRESSED

Father O'Malley, the new priest is nervous about hearing confessions, so he asks the older priest to sit in on his sessions. The new priest hears a couple of confessions, then the old priest asks him to step out of the confessional for a few suggestions.

The old priest suggests, "Cross you arms over your chest, and rub your chin with one hand." The new priest tries this.

The old priest suggests, "Try saying things like, 'I see, yes, go on, I understand and how did you feel about that?" The new priest says those things.

The old priest says, "Now, don't you think that's a little better than slapping your knee and saying 'No shite! What happened next?"

According to the Knight-Ridder News Service, the inscription on the metal bands used by the U.S. Department of the Interior to tag migratory birds has been changed. The bands used to bear the address of the Washington Biological Survey, abbreviated: Wash. Biol. Surv.

Until the agency received the following letter from an Arkansas camper:

Dear Sirs:

While camping last week I shot one of your birds. I think it was a crow. I followed the cooking instructions on the leg tag and I want to tell you it was horrible.

The bands are now marked Fish and Wildlife Service.

Q: How many women with  PMS does it take to screw in a light bulb?

A: One. ONE!! And do you know WHY it only takes ONE? Because no one else in this damned house knows HOW to change a light bulb. They don't even know the bulb is BURNED OUT. They would sit in this house in the dark for THREE DAYS before they figured it OUT. And once they figured it out they wouldn't be able to find the light bulbs despite the fact that they've been in the SAME CUPBOARD for the past SEVENTEEN BLOODY YEARS. But if, by some miracle, they actually found the light bulbs, TWO DAYS LATER the chair that they dragged across two rooms over to stand on to change the STUPID light bulb would STILL BE IN THE SAME SPOT!! AND UNDERNEATH IT WOULD BE THE RUMPLED WRAPPER THE STUPID LIGHT BULBS CAME IN! WHY?! BECAUSE NO ONE IN THIS DAMNED HOUSE EVER CARRIES OUT THE GARBAGE!! IT'S A WONDER WE HAVEN'T ALL SUFFOCATED FROM THE PILES OF STINKIN' GARBAGE THAT ARE 12 FEET DEEP THROUGHOUT THE ENTIRE HOUSE. THIS HOUSE!! IT WOULD TAKE AN ARMY TO CLEAN THIS....

I'm sorry... what did you ask me?

KATZ