Nick's Bytes: Too Bad It's Monday Jokes & Humor

Monday, April 26, 2010

Too Bad It's Monday Jokes & Humor

In the spring of 2005, shortly after I began blogging, I began posting the jokes I had received in my previous week’s email under the title Too Bad It’s Monday (T.B.I.M.) as the reverse of T.G.I.F. (Thank God It’s Friday). So again I am going to share with you what I consider to be the best of the humor I have received in the past week. You may not agree with all of my choices, but if even one joke brings you a smile on T.B.I.M., my goal has been achieved.

Dear IRS,

Enclosed is my Tax Return & payment. Please take note of the attached article from the USA Today newspaper. In the article, you will see that the Pentagon is paying $171.50 for hammers and NASA has paid $600.00 for a toilet seat.

Please find enclosed four toilet seats (value $2,400) and six hammers (value $1,029). This brings my total payment to $3,429.00. Please note the overpayment of $22.00 and apply it to the "Presidential Election Fund," as noted on my return.

Might I suggest that you send the above mentioned fund a "1.5 inch screw." (See attached article...HUD paid $22.00 for a 1.5 inch Phillips Head Screw.)

It has been a pleasure to pay my tax bill this year, and I look forward to paying it again next year. I just saw an article about the Pentagon and "screwdrivers."

I saw a new local ad campaign being run for the northern snow birds by our county tourist board. Against a drop dead sunset beach picture, It reads:

Come to the SW coast of Florida this winter for your family vacation!
Florida has everything:

Sand for the children,
fishing galore for Dad,
sun for the wife,
and
plenty of sharks for the mother-in-law.

A wealthy New York businessman who sent his two daughters to the University of California's Los Angeles campus in the hope that they would find something unusual to study there that would stir them out their apathy. He was considerably alarmed, however, when they wrote back to tell him that they both had decided to specialize in research on ancient Egyptian plumbing.

He immediately sent them a telegram which read, "Under no circumstances will I support a couple of Pharaoh Faucet Majors!"

My friend and I joined a weight-loss organization. At one meeting the instructor held up an apple and a candy bar.

"What are the attributes of this apple," she asked, "and how do they relate to our diet?"

"Low in calories" and "lots of fiber," were among the answers.

She then detailed what was wrong with eating candy, and concluded, "Apples are not only more healthful but also less expensive. Do you know I paid fifty-five cents for this candy bar?" We stared as she held aloft the forbidden treat.

From in back of the room a small voice spoke up. "I'll give you seventy-five cents for it."

QUESTION: 'How can you tell when a women is having a bad day?'

ANSWER: 'She has her tampon behind her ear, and she can't find her ink pen!'
~ Ya' Better Learn To Read The Signs, Guys!

Signs Your Girlfriend is Going to Dump You...

Your visa card and your belt both hit their limit.
She's been wearing an engagement ring for three weeks, but you don't recall proposing to her.
She just started a college course that meets seven nights a week.
She says she has to tell you something... on Jerry Springer.
Whenever she introduces you it's always "I would like you to meet an old friend of mine..."
She leaves a message on your phone and identifies herself by both her first and last names.
Your other girlfriend told you so.
The dartboard behind your photo on her wall.
Her girlfriends look at you, tilt their heads, and say, "You haven't got a clue, do you?"

For all of us who are married, were married, wish you were married, or wish you weren't married, this is something to smile about the next time you open a bottle of wine.

Sally was driving home from one of her business trips in Northern Arizona when she saw an elderly Navajo woman walking on the side of the road. As the trip was a long and quiet one, she stopped the car and asked the Navajo woman if she would like a ride.

With a silent nod of thanks, the woman got into the car. Resuming the journey, Sally tried in vain to make a bit of small talk with the Navajo woman. The old woman just sat silently, looking intently at everything she saw, studying every little detail, until she noticed a brown bag on the seat next to Sally.

"What's in the bag?" asked the old woman.

Sally looked down at the brown bag and said, "It's a bottle of wine. got it for my husband." The Navajo woman was silent for another moment or two. Then speaking with the quiet wisdom of an elder, she said, "Good trade."

KATZ