Monday, July 05, 2010

T.B.I.M. Jokes & Humor

A bit over five years ago, shortly after I began blogging, I began posting the jokes I had received in my previous week’s email under the title Too Bad It’s Monday (T.B.I.M.) as the reverse of T.G.I.F. (Thank God It’s Friday). So again I am going to share with you what I consider to be the best of the humor I have received in the past week. You may not agree with all of my choices, but if even one joke brings you a smile on T.B.I.M., my goal has been achieved!


  • It is even harder for the average ape to believe that he has descended from man. ~ H. L. Mencken
  • A man's only as old as the woman he feels. ~ Groucho Marx 
  • I don't make mistakes. I make prophecies which immediately turn out to be wrong. ~ Murray Walker 
  • The real problem is what to do with the problem-solvers after the problems are solved. ~ Gay Talese 
  • We have a good arrangement. Roman lies to me and I pretend to believe him. ~ Sharon Tate 
  • Adopted kids are such a pain - you have to teach them how to look like you. ~ Gilda Radner 
  • Poor people have more fun than rich people, they say; and I notice it's the rich people who keep saying it. ~ Jack Paar 
  • Pamela Anderson Lee released a statement confirming that she has had her breast implants removed. Doctors say that Pamela is doing fine and that her old implants are now dating Charlie Sheen. ~ Conan O'Brien 
  • If you want a transcript of tonight's program, get a pen and write down everything I said. ~ Kevin Nealon 
  • The great thing about getting older is that you don't lose all the other ages you've been. ~ Madeleine L'Engle 
  • Don't accept your dog's admiration as conclusive evidence that you are wonderful.~ Ann Landers 
  • I'm officially middle-aged. I don't need drugs anymore, thank God. I can get the same effect just by standing up real fast. ~ Jonathan Katz
  • I'm Jewish, but I'm totally not. ~ Sarah Silverman
  • Ignorance is a menace to peace. ~ Paul Harris 
  • I always say now that I'm in my blonde years. Because since the end of my marriage, all of my girlfriends have been blonde.~ Hugh Hefner 
  • I'm on every worst-dressed list imaginable. ~ Kathy Griffin 
  • Repentance is not so much remorse for what we have done as the fear of the consequences. ~ Francois de La Rochefoucauld
  • Advertising is the art of convincing people to spend money they don't have for something they don't need. ~ Will Rogers 
  • Men occasionally stumble over the truth, but most of them pick themselves up and hurry off as if nothing had happened. ~ Sir Winston Churchill 

A priest and a minister walked into a bar. The rabbi ducked.

Why would you even ask me that? 
I'm insulted! 
Every time something goes missing around here, 
everybody looks at me! 

An airplane is coming to land at an airport obscured by fog. Visibility is practically nil, the radar system is on the blink, so the pilot has to land on wits alone.

"Flaps, check," he says to the co-pilot, "Landing Gear, check. Altitude, check. Right, we're going in. Hold on."

The plane lands and comes to a screeching, grinding halt; just short of the edge of the runway.

"Holy Cow!" exclaims the pilot, "This must be the shortest runway I've ever landed on!" The co-pilot looks left and right and says "Yeah, and about the widest, too."


With all the new technology regarding fertility, an 88-year-old woman was able to give birth to a baby recently.

When she was discharged from the hospital and went home, various relatives came to visit. "May we see the new baby?" one of them asked.

"Not yet," said the mother. "I'll make coffee and we can visit for a while first."

Another half hour passed before another relative asked, "May we see the new baby now?"

"No, not yet," said the mother.

A while later and again the guests asked, "May we see the baby now?"

"No, not yet," replied the mother.

Growing impatient, they asked, "Well, when can we see the baby?"

"When it cries!" she told them.

"When it cries?" they gasped. "Why do we have to wait until it cries?"

"Because, I forgot where I put it."

CNN Breaking News: 
Just reported: BP replaced the oil well cap with a wedding ring and it immediately stopped putting out. News at 11:00


That's all, folks... Except for:


  1. This was a long one, Rev Saint! Thanks for all of the laughter you have given me. May Alex and you have a safe holiday!

  2. Oh those LOLcats! Make me laugh every time. Especially the lampshade.

  3. So funny! As usual. I'm ready for a new week.

  4. This is one of your best episodes ever! (I borrowed one of the quotes for my own blog.)

  5. Good ones! I loved the cartoon about finding a gas station for Kevin!

    Have a fantabulous week, Nick!

  6. I think this was my favorite TBIM post in awhile. LOVE the Conan quote and the Beatles cartoon.

  7. I agree with Thomas. This was one of the best. Thank you!

  8. Hi Nick, just popping by to say hello to one of my favourite blogging buddies and to thank you for cheering me up!!

    Kathryn xx

  9. Love the Ann Landers dog quote and the cat and budgie! Thanks for the laughs. x

  10. Hi Nick...gotta love those Lolcats. How's your Alex cat...still being a demanding my two are?