Nick's Bytes: T.B.I.M. Jokes & Humor

Monday, July 05, 2010

T.B.I.M. Jokes & Humor

A bit over five years ago, shortly after I began blogging, I began posting the jokes I had received in my previous week’s email under the title Too Bad It’s Monday (T.B.I.M.) as the reverse of T.G.I.F. (Thank God It’s Friday). So again I am going to share with you what I consider to be the best of the humor I have received in the past week. You may not agree with all of my choices, but if even one joke brings you a smile on T.B.I.M., my goal has been achieved!

QUICK QUOTES:

It is even harder for the average ape to believe that he has descended from man. ~ H. L. Mencken
A man's only as old as the woman he feels. ~ Groucho Marx
I don't make mistakes. I make prophecies which immediately turn out to be wrong. ~ Murray Walker
The real problem is what to do with the problem-solvers after the problems are solved. ~ Gay Talese
We have a good arrangement. Roman lies to me and I pretend to believe him. ~ Sharon Tate
Adopted kids are such a pain - you have to teach them how to look like you. ~ Gilda Radner
Poor people have more fun than rich people, they say; and I notice it's the rich people who keep saying it. ~ Jack Paar
Pamela Anderson Lee released a statement confirming that she has had her breast implants removed. Doctors say that Pamela is doing fine and that her old implants are now dating Charlie Sheen. ~ Conan O'Brien
If you want a transcript of tonight's program, get a pen and write down everything I said. ~ Kevin Nealon
The great thing about getting older is that you don't lose all the other ages you've been. ~ Madeleine L'Engle
Don't accept your dog's admiration as conclusive evidence that you are wonderful.~ Ann Landers
I'm officially middle-aged. I don't need drugs anymore, thank God. I can get the same effect just by standing up real fast. ~ Jonathan Katz
I'm Jewish, but I'm totally not. ~ Sarah Silverman
Ignorance is a menace to peace. ~ Paul Harris
I always say now that I'm in my blonde years. Because since the end of my marriage, all of my girlfriends have been blonde.~ Hugh Hefner
I'm on every worst-dressed list imaginable. ~ Kathy Griffin
Repentance is not so much remorse for what we have done as the fear of the consequences. ~ Francois de La Rochefoucauld
Advertising is the art of convincing people to spend money they don't have for something they don't need. ~ Will Rogers
Men occasionally stumble over the truth, but most of them pick themselves up and hurry off as if nothing had happened. ~ Sir Winston Churchill

A priest and a minister walked into a bar. The rabbi ducked.

Why would you even ask me that?

I'm insulted!

Every time something goes missing around here,

everybody looks at me!

An airplane is coming to land at an airport obscured by fog. Visibility is practically nil, the radar system is on the blink, so the pilot has to land on wits alone.

"Flaps, check," he says to the co-pilot, "Landing Gear, check. Altitude, check. Right, we're going in. Hold on."

The plane lands and comes to a screeching, grinding halt; just short of the edge of the runway.

"Holy Cow!" exclaims the pilot, "This must be the shortest runway I've ever landed on!" The co-pilot looks left and right and says "Yeah, and about the widest, too."

FRIENDS:

With all the new technology regarding fertility, an 88-year-old woman was able to give birth to a baby recently.

When she was discharged from the hospital and went home, various relatives came to visit. "May we see the new baby?" one of them asked.

"Not yet," said the mother. "I'll make coffee and we can visit for a while first."

Another half hour passed before another relative asked, "May we see the new baby now?"

"No, not yet," said the mother.

A while later and again the guests asked, "May we see the baby now?"

"No, not yet," replied the mother.

Growing impatient, they asked, "Well, when can we see the baby?"

"When it cries!" she told them.

"When it cries?" they gasped. "Why do we have to wait until it cries?"

"Because, I forgot where I put it."