Monday, July 12, 2010

Too Bad It's Monday (Humor)

In the Spring of 2005, shortly after I began blogging, I began posting the jokes I had received in my previous week’s email under the title Too Bad It’s Monday (T.B.I.M.) as the reverse of T.G.I.F. (Thank God It’s Friday). So again I am going to share with you what I consider to be the best of the humor I have received in the past week. You may not agree with all of my choices, but if even one joke brings you a smile on T.B.I.M., my goal has been achieved.

Children  Writing About The Ocean...
  1) -  Here is my picture of an octopus. It has eight  testicles.
          (Kelly, age 6)

  2) - Oysters' balls are called  pearls.
          (Jerry, age 6)

  3) - If you are surrounded by  ocean you are an island. If  you don't have ocean all round you, you are incontinent.
         ( Wayne , age 7)

  4) - Sharks are ugly and mean,  and have big teeth, just like Emily Richardson.  She's  not my friend any  more.
        (Kylie,  age 6)

  5) - A dolphin breaths through an asshole  on the top of its  head.
        (Billy,  age 8)

  6) - My uncle goes out in his boat with 2  other men and a woman and pots and comes back with  crabs.
        (Millie,  age 6)

  7) - When ships had sails, they used to  use the trade winds to cross the ocean.  Sometimes when the wind didn't blow the sailors would whistle  to make the wind come. My brother said they would have been better off eating  beans.
          (William, age 7 )

  8) - Mermaids live in the  ocean. I like mermaids.  They  are beautiful and I like their shiny tails, but how on earth do  mermaids get pregnant? Like,  really?
          (Helen, age 6)

  9) - I'm not going to write about  the ocean.   My  baby brother is always crying, my Dad keeps yelling at my Mom, and  my big sister has just got  pregnant, so I can't think what to  write.
        (Amy, age  6)

 10) - Some fish are dangerous. Jellyfish can  sting.  Electric eels can give you a shock. They have to live in caves under the sea where I think they  have to plug themselves into  chargers.
           (Christopher, age 7)

 11) - When you go swimming in the  ocean, it is very cold, and it makes my willy  small.
           (Kevin, age 6)

 12) - Divers have to be safe when they  go under the water.  Divers can't go down alone, so they have to go down on each  other.
           (Becky, age 8)

 13) - On vacation my Mom went water  skiing. She fell off when she was going very fast.  She says she won't do it again because water fired right up her big  fat  ass.
           (Julie, age 7)

 14) - The ocean is made up of water and  fish.  Why the fish don't drown, I don't  know..
           (Bobby, age 6)

 15) - My dad was a sailor on the ocean.  He knows all about the  ocean.  What he doesn't know is why he quit being a sailor and  married my  mom.
           (James, age 7)

   A man and a woman were driving down the road, arguing about his deplorable infidelity when suddenly the woman reached over and sliced the man's penis off. Angrily, she tossed it out the car window.

     Driving behind the couple was a man and his 6-year-old daughter. The little girl was chatting away at her father when all of a sudden the penis smacked their car windshield, stuck for a moment, then flew off. 

   Surprised, the daughter asked her father, 'Daddy, what the heck was that?'

    Shocked, but not wanting to expose his little girl to anything sexual at such a young age, the father replied, ' was only a bug, Honey.' 

    The daughter sat with a confused look on her face, and after a moment said..

    'Sure had a big dick, didn't it?'

According to the Knight-Ridder News Service, the inscription on the metal bands used by the U.S. Department of the Interior to tag migratory birds has been changed. The bands used to bear the address of the Washington Biological Survey, abbreviated:

Wash. Biol. Surv. 

Until the agency received the following letter from an Arkansas camper:

Dear Sirs: 
While camping last week I shot one of your birds. I think it was a crow. I followed the cooking instructions on the leg tag and I want to tell you it was horrible. 

The bands are now marked
Fish and Wildlife Service

Words Not Yet In The Dictionary

ACCORDIONATED (ah kor' de on ay tid) adj. Being able to drive and refold a road map at the same time. 

AQUADEXTROUS (ak wa deks' trus) adj. Possessing the ability to turn the bathtub faucet on and off with your toes. 

AQUALIBRIUM (ak wa lib' re um) n. The point where the stream of drinking fountain water is at its perfect height, thus relieving the drinker from having to suck the nozzle, or (b) squirting himself in the eye. 

BURGACIDE (burg' uh side) n. When a hamburger can't take any more torture and hurls itself through the grill into the coals. 

BUZZACKS (buz' aks) n. People in phone marts who walk around picking up display phones and listening for dial tones even when they know the phones are not connected. 

CARPERPETUATION (kar' pur pet u a shun) n. The act, when vacuuming, of running over a string or a piece of lint at least a dozen times, reaching over and picking it up, examining it, then putting it back down to give the vacuum one more chance. 

DIMP (dimp) n. A person who insults you in a cheap department store by asking, "Do you work here?" 

DISCONFECT (dis kon fekt') v. To sterilize the piece of candy you dropped on the floor by blowing on it, somehow assuming this will 'remove' all the germs. 

ECNALUBMA (ek na lub' ma) n. A rescue vehicle which can only be seen in the rearview mirror. 

EIFFELITES (eye' ful eyetz) n. Gangly people sitting in front of you at the movies who, no matter what direction you lean in, follow suit. 

Words of Wisdom
  • The problem with people who have no vices is that generally you can be pretty sure they're going to have some pretty annoying virtues. ~ Elizabeth Taylor
  • When we ask for advice, we are usually looking for an accomplice. ~ Marquis de la Grange
  • Health nuts are going to feel stupid someday, lying in hospitals dying of nothing. ~ Redd Foxx 
  • I prefer the company of peasants because they have not been educated sufficiently to reason incorrectly. ~ Michel de Montaigne 
  • You can go a long way with a smile. You can go a lot farther with a smile and a gun. ~ Al Capone
  • The scientific theory I like best is that the rings of Saturn are composed entirely of lost airline luggage. ~ Mark Russell 
  • When you are eight years old, nothing is any of your business. ~ Lenny Bruce
  • She had an unequalled gift... of squeezing big mistakes into small opportunities. ~ Henry James
  • Few things are more satisfying than seeing your own children have teenagers of their own. ~ Doug Larson
  • Reading made Don Quixote a gentleman. Believing what he read made him mad. ~ George Bernard Shaw
  • I don't understand the sizes anymore. There's a size zero, which I didn't even know that they had. It must stand for: 'Ohhh my God, you're thin.' ~ Ellen DeGeneres


  1. I love the children's writings about the ocean. :)

  2. Ha! "Hot chicks in the red light district"!

  3. I love your LOL Cats. You have a knack for giving us the cream of the crop!

  4. That "Mirror, mirror ...." thing? NO *#@*!!!!