Too Bad It's Monday (Jokes & Humor)

As you may or may not know, this past week I have been in the midst of a crisis, so I’ve not downloaded from my email as many jokes as normal. I hope that what I offer here brings at least one smile to you.

An 8-year-old girl went to her dad, who was working in the yard. She asked him, "Daddy, what is sex?" 

The father was surprised that she would ask such a question, but decides that if she is old enough to ask the question, then she is old enough to get a straight answer. He proceeded to tell her all about the "birds and the bees." 

When he finished explaining, the little girl was looking at him with her mouth hanging open. The father asked her, "Why did you ask this question?"
 
The little girl replied, "Mom told me to tell you that dinner would be ready in just a couple of secs."

While shopping in a food store, two nuns happened to pass by the beer cooler. One nun said to the other, "Wouldn't a nice cool beer or two taste wonderful on a hot summer evening?"

The second nun answered "Indeed it would Sister, but I wouldn't feel comfortable buying beer as I am certain that it would cause a scene at the check-out counter."

"I can handle that without a problem" she replied as she picked up a six-pack and headed for the check-out..

The cashier had a surprised look on his face when the two nuns arrived with a six-pack of beer.

"We use beer for washing our hair" the nun said, "A shampoo, of sorts, if you will."

Without blinking an eye, the cashier reached under the counter, pulled out a package of pretzel sticks and placed them in the bag with the beer. 

He then looked the nun straight in the eye, smiled and said, "The curlers are on the house."

A rabbi, a priest and a pastor were all in a boat together fishing. The pastor said to the others, "I think I am going to go over to that shore and sit down." So, he gets out of the boat, walks across the water and sits down on the shore.

Then, the priest says to the rabbi, "I think I going to go over there to join him." So, he does the same as the pastor and sits next to him on the shore.

The rabbi thinks to himself, "Well, if they can do it, so can I!" So, he climbs out of the boat, but he falls in the water.

The pastor says to the priest, "Do you think we should of told him where the rocks were?"

A guy comes home completely drunk one night. He lurches through the door and is met by his scowling wife, who is most definitely not happy. "Where in tarnation have you been all night?" she demands.

"At this fantastic new bar," he says. "The Golden Saloon. Everything there is golden. It's got huge golden doors, a golden floor, the works - heck, even the urinal's gold!"

The wife still doesn't believe his story, and the next day checks the phone book, finding a place across town called the Golden Saloon. She calls up the place to check her husband's story.

"Is this the Golden Saloon?" she asks when the bartender answers the phone.

"Yes it is," bartender answers.

"Do you have huge golden doors?"

"Sure do." "Do you have golden floors?"

"Most certainly do."

"What about golden urinals?"

There's a long pause, then the woman hears the bartender yelling, "Hey, Duke, I think I got a lead on the guy that peed in your saxophone last night!"

WISE WORDS (?)

• Electricity is actually made up of extremely tiny particles called electrons that you cannot see with the naked eye unless you have been drinking. ~   - Dave Barry
• The future is an opaque mirror. Anyone who tries to look into it sees nothing but the dim outlines of an old and worried face. ~ Jim Bishop
• My grandmother started walking five miles a day when she was sixty. She's ninety-seven now, and we don't know where the hell she is. ~ Ellen DeGeneres
• Leave it to a girl to take the fun out of sex discrimination. ~ Calvin in Calvin and Hobbes
• Half our life is spent trying to find something to do with the time we have rushed through life trying to save. ~ Will Rogers
• Money can't buy friends, but it can get you a better class of enemy. ~ Spike Milligan
• What I look forward to is continued immaturity followed by death. ~ Dave Barry
• He hoped and prayed that there wasn't an afterlife. Then he realized there was a contradiction involved here and merely hoped that there wasn't an afterlife. ~ Douglas Adams
• A cynic is a man who, when he smells flowers, looks around for a coffin. ~ H. L. Mencken
• I like pigs. Dogs look up to us. Cats look down on us. Pigs treat us as equals. ~ Sir Winston Churchill

 KATZ

That's all, mates.