Monday, October 04, 2010

Too Bad It's Monday Jokes

In the Spring of 2005, shortly after I began blogging, I began posting the jokes I had received in my previous week’s email under the title Too Bad It’s Monday (T.B.I.M.). In the past several weeks I have been emailed lots of videos. They are building up in my files, so beginning with this post I’ll share more than one at a time.

Nostradamus recently turned 500. Here are some other predictions from lesser lights:

- Law will be simplified (over the next century). Lawyers will have diminished, and their fees will have been vastly curtailed. -- Junius Henri Browne 1893

- By 1960, work will be limited to three hours a day. -- John Langdon-Davies

- Hurrah, Boys, we've caught them napping. We'll finish them up and go home to our station. -- George A. Custer, 1876, prior to the Battle of Little Big Horn

- Get rid of the pointed-ears guy. -- NBC executive, regarding Mr. Spock of STAR TREK, 1966

- Telephones (will) bring peace on earth, eliminate Southern accents, and save the farm by making farmers less lonely. -- printed in THE WALL STREET JOURNAL, Century-old Pronouncements, 1995

There are these two guys driving a car. When the guy driving blows right through the red light.

"Man, you just ran that red light!", the passenger said.

"Don't worry, my brother does it all the time," said the driver.

They continue to drive when the guy went flying through another stop light.

"You ran ANOTHER stop light. You are going to get us killed!!!" exclaimed the passenger.

"Don't worry, my brother does it all the time, the driver said.

After a while they came to a green light when the guy stopped.

"Why are you stopping?"

The driver turned around and said, "Because my brother might be coming!"

A man entered the bus with both of his front pockets full of golf balls and sat down next to a beautiful (you guessed it) blonde. The puzzled blonde kept looking at him and his bulging pockets.

 Finally, after many such glances from her, he said, "It's golf balls". Nevertheless, the blonde continued to look at him for a very long time, deeply thinking about what he had said.

 After several minutes, not being able to contain her curiosity any longer, she asked,  "Does it hurt as much as tennis elbow?

Old aunts used to come up to me at weddings, poking me in the ribs and cackling, telling me, "You're next." They stopped after I started doing the same thing to them at funerals.

Many of us "Old Folks" (those over 60, WAY over 60, or hovering near 60) are quite confused about how we should present ourselves. We're unsure about the kind of image we are projecting and whether or not we are correct as we try to conform to current fashions. Despite what you may have seen on the streets, the following combinations DO NOT go together and should be avoided:

1. A nose ring and bifocals
2. Spiked hair and bald spots
3. A pierced tongue and dentures
4. Miniskirts and support hose
5. Ankle bracelets and corn pads
6. Speedo's and cellulite
7. A belly button ring and a gall bladder surgery scar
8. Unbuttoned disco shirts and a heart monitor
9. Midriff shirts and a midriff bulge
10. Bikinis and liver spots
11. Short shorts and varicose veins
12. Inline skates and a walker
13. Thongs and Depends.

Please keep these basic guidelines foremost in your mind when you shop.

While proudly showing off his new apartment to friends one night a ticked-off Ted led the way to his bedroom where pride of place was given to a large brass gong.

"What's that big brass gong for?" one of the guests asked.

"Why, that's the speaking clock',"Ted replied.

"How does it work?

"I'll show you," Ted said, giving it an ear-shattering blow with an unpadded dodger.

Suddenly, someone on the other side of the wall screamed, "For goodness sake you idiot, it's 2 o'clock in the morning!"



  1. Thank you again for Monday laughs.

  2. Nice way to start the day. Thanks, Nick!

  3. Oh boy! you hit it right on the head today, Nick. Four of my favorite men in the world in video! Memories, memories!!! Thanks!

  4. Thanks for my Monday chuckle Nick. :)

  5. Thanks for the jokes and especially for the kitty pictures! Peace!