Monday, August 01, 2011

Too Bad It's Monday (Jokes, Humor, and Katz)

I have been posting humor received in emails since 2005. Enjoy!


  • A CAT always hits the litter box. 
  • Better chance of training a CAT. 
  • No matter what your CAT drags into your house, you don't have to pretend you like it. 
  • You never have to spend time with your CAT's mother. 
  • If you ask enough times, a CAT may actually listen to you. 
  • A CAT purrs when you serve him dinner. 
  • You can de-claw a CAT... try to get a guy to clip his toenails. 
  • It's okay if a CAT rubs up against your best friend. 
  • You don't have to worry about your CAT turn into a pig when you host a party. 
  • A CAT knows you're the key to his happiness... A man thinks he is.
  • If a CAT jumps into your lap, a little light petting will satisfy him. 

A primary school teacher in the Bronx decided to see if city kids knew what sounds farm animals made. She Asked the kids to raise their hands if they knew the correct sounds. "Who knows what sound a cow makes?" she asked.

Mary put her hand up and said, "Mooooo!"

"Very good," replied the teacher. "What sound does a sheep make?"

"Baaaa," answered Billy.

She continued this for a while. Then she asked, "What sound does a pig make?"

All the hands in the class went up. She was surprised at the response. She chose little Tyrone at the back of the class.

He stood up, took a deep breath, and screamed, "Up against the wall, mutha-fucka!"

The Good, the Bad, and the Ugly

  • Good: You're pregnant. Bad: It's triplets. Ugly: Your husband had a vasectomy five years ago. 
  • Good: Your husband is not talking to you. Bad: He wants a divorce. Ugly: He's a lawyer. 
  • Good: Your son is finally maturing. Bad: He's involved with the woman next door. Ugly: So are you. 
  • Good: Your son studies a lot in his room. Bad: You find several pornographic movies hidden there. Ugly: You're in them. 
  • Good: Your husband understands fashion. Bad: He's a cross-dresser. Ugly: He looks better than you. 
  • Good: You give "the birds and the bees" talk to your 14-year-old daughter. Bad: She keeps interrupting. Ugly: With corrections. 
  • Good: Your daughter got a new job. Bad: As a hooker. Ugly: Your co-workers are her best clients. Way Ugly: She makes more money than you do! 

A frog telephones the Psychic Hotline and is told, "You are going to meet a beautiful young girl who will want to know everything about you."

The frog says, "This is great! Will I meet her at a party, or what?"

"No," says the psychic. "Next semester in her biology class."

The minister was passing a group of young teens sitting on the Church lawn and stopped to ask what they Were doing.

"Nothing much, Pastor," replied one boy. "We were just seeing who can tell the biggest lie about their sex life."

"Boys, boys, boys!" he scolded. "I'm shocked. When I was your age, I never even thought about sex."

In unison they all replied, "You win!"

Classic Humor

One evening a family brings their frail, elderly mother to a nursing home and leaves her, hoping she will be well cared for. The next morning, the nurses bathe her, feed her a tasty breakfast, and set her in a chair at a window overlooking a lovely flower garden. She seems OK, but after a while she slowly starts to lean over sideways in her chair. Two attentive nurses immediately rush up to catch her and straighten her up. Again she seems OK, but after a while she starts to tilt to the other side. The nurses rush back and once more bring her back upright. This goes on all morning.

Later the family arrives to see how the old woman is adjusting to her new home. "So Ma, how is it here? Are they treating you all right?" they ask.

"It's pretty nice," she replies. "Except they won't let you fart."


Peace be with you

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