Too Bad It's Monday (Jokes, Humor, and Katz)

I have been posting humor received in emails since 2005. Enjoy!

CATS ARE MUCH BETTER THAN MEN

• A CAT always hits the litter box. 
• Better chance of training a CAT. 
• No matter what your CAT drags into your house, you don't have to pretend you like it. 
• You never have to spend time with your CAT's mother. 
• If you ask enough times, a CAT may actually listen to you. 
• A CAT purrs when you serve him dinner. 
• You can de-claw a CAT... try to get a guy to clip his toenails. 
• It's okay if a CAT rubs up against your best friend. 
• You don't have to worry about your CAT turn into a pig when you host a party. 
• A CAT knows you're the key to his happiness... A man thinks he is.
• If a CAT jumps into your lap, a little light petting will satisfy him. 

A primary school teacher in the Bronx decided to see if city kids knew what sounds farm animals made. She Asked the kids to raise their hands if they knew the correct sounds. "Who knows what sound a cow makes?" she asked.

Mary put her hand up and said, "Mooooo!"

"Very good," replied the teacher. "What sound does a sheep make?"

"Baaaa," answered Billy.

She continued this for a while. Then she asked, "What sound does a pig make?"

All the hands in the class went up. She was surprised at the response. She chose little Tyrone at the back of the class.

He stood up, took a deep breath, and screamed, "Up against the wall, mutha-fucka!"

The Good, the Bad, and the Ugly

• Good: You're pregnant. Bad: It's triplets. Ugly: Your husband had a vasectomy five years ago. 
• Good: Your husband is not talking to you. Bad: He wants a divorce. Ugly: He's a lawyer. 
• Good: Your son is finally maturing. Bad: He's involved with the woman next door. Ugly: So are you. 
• Good: Your son studies a lot in his room. Bad: You find several pornographic movies hidden there. Ugly: You're in them. 
• Good: Your husband understands fashion. Bad: He's a cross-dresser. Ugly: He looks better than you. 
• Good: You give "the birds and the bees" talk to your 14-year-old daughter. Bad: She keeps interrupting. Ugly: With corrections. 
• Good: Your daughter got a new job. Bad: As a hooker. Ugly: Your co-workers are her best clients. Way Ugly: She makes more money than you do! 

A frog telephones the Psychic Hotline and is told, "You are going to meet a beautiful young girl who will want to know everything about you."

The frog says, "This is great! Will I meet her at a party, or what?"

"No," says the psychic. "Next semester in her biology class."



The minister was passing a group of young teens sitting on the Church lawn and stopped to ask what they Were doing.

"Nothing much, Pastor," replied one boy. "We were just seeing who can tell the biggest lie about their sex life."

"Boys, boys, boys!" he scolded. "I'm shocked. When I was your age, I never even thought about sex."

In unison they all replied, "You win!"


Classic Humor

One evening a family brings their frail, elderly mother to a nursing home and leaves her, hoping she will be well cared for. The next morning, the nurses bathe her, feed her a tasty breakfast, and set her in a chair at a window overlooking a lovely flower garden. She seems OK, but after a while she slowly starts to lean over sideways in her chair. Two attentive nurses immediately rush up to catch her and straighten her up. Again she seems OK, but after a while she starts to tilt to the other side. The nurses rush back and once more bring her back upright. This goes on all morning.

Later the family arrives to see how the old woman is adjusting to her new home. "So Ma, how is it here? Are they treating you all right?" they ask.

"It's pretty nice," she replies. "Except they won't let you fart."

KATZ

Peace be with you

An Anniversary I Wish Did Not Exist

I am sure that many people share my concern about the present worldwide moral crisis and will join in my appeal to all humanitarians and religious practitioners who also share this concern to help make our societies more compassionate, just, and equitable. I do not speak as a Buddhist or even as a Tibetan. Nor do I speak as an expert on international politics (though I unavoidably comment on these matters). Rather, I speak simply as a human being, as an upholder of the humanitarian values that are the bedrock not only of Mahayana Buddhism but of all the great world religions. From this perspective I share with you my personal outlook—that:

1. Universal humanitarianism is essential to solve global problems;
2. Compassion is the pillar of world peace;
3. All world religions are already for world peace in this way, as are all humanitarians of whatever ideology;
4. Each individual has a universal responsibility to shape institutions to serve human needs.

~ His Holiness the 14th Dali Lama

 

This month there is an anniversary that I wish didn’t exist. March 10^th was the 50^th Anniversary of the Dalai Lama’s escape from Tibet and the beginning of fifty years of protest against the country’s occupation by China that has pulled a dark curtain between Tibet and the rest of the world.

For background information, click over to Tibet.org.

For action to free Tibet that we can take, check out these web sites: 

• Tibet Support Groups
  
• Free Tibet
  
• Free Tibet Campaign USA
  
• Students for a Free Tibet
  
• The Government of Tibet in Exile
  
• His Holiness the 14^th Dali Lama of Tibet (Official Website)
  

Because we all share an identical need for love, it is possible to feel that anybody we meet, in whatever circumstances, is a brother or sister. No matter how new the face or how different the dress and behavior, there is no significant division between us and other people. It is foolish to dwell on external differences, because our basic natures are the same.

Ultimately, humanity is one and this small planet is our only home, If we are to protect this home of ours, each of us needs to experience a vivid sense of universal altruism. It is only this feeling that can remove the self-centered motives that cause people to deceive and misuse one another.

If you have a sincere and open heart, you naturally feel self- worth and confidence, and there is no need to be fearful of others.

I believe that at every level of society - familial, tribal, national and international - the key to a happier and more successful world is the growth of compassion. We do not need to become religious, nor do we need to believe in an ideology. All that is necessary is for each of us to develop our good human qualities.

I try to treat whoever I meet as an old friend. This gives me a genuine feeling of happiness.  It is the practice of compassion. 

~ His Holiness the 14th Dali Lama

Sunday Gleanings: the Olympic Handshake

From Times Online

August 10, 2008:

At least five people were killed and several more were critically injured in a series of bomb explosions in China's far west region of Xinjiang, in what looks increasingly like a concerted bombing campaign by Muslim separatists to coincide with the Beijing Olympics.

I just joined a global handshake, beginning with the Dalai Lama in London and going all around the world to the Beijing Olympics.

In a way, this is a follow-up to my last post: It is for the People. My thoughts that the Olympics are for the people and not the governments of the world have not changed. It is most appropriate that we activists put aside our political agenda for the time of the Olympics and allow the people of the world to celebrate these Olympics with joy and in peace. Too often activists’ messages in regard to the Chinese government and its policies on Tibet, Burma and Darfur are couched in ways that are too easily interpreted as being attacks on the people of China.

Then, this morning, I received a email from Avaaz.org, a global web movement with a straightforward mission: to close the gap between the world we have, and the world most people everywhere want:

We've decided to take the moment back with a powerful, unambiguous message of peace, friendship and dialogue—the Olympic Handshake. The handshake began with the Dalai Lama, passing through the streets of London, now it's gone online where all of us can join in—help the handshake travel toward Beijing, where our message will be delivered through a big Olympic media campaign before the closing ceremonies. Join the handshake, and see yourself and others as it goes around the globe!

The original handshake in London created a human chain handshake connecting the Dalai Lama at the Royal Albert Hall to the Chinese Embassy on Portland Place. I wonder why I did not think of following the way of peace of the Dalai Lama? I wonder why the activists who choice to use demonstrations, words of hate, boycotts, and bombs in attempts to intimidate then government of China not think of following the way of peace of the Dalai Lama?

Now, the way is clear to me: the way of the Dalai Lama, the way of the Olympic Handshake: