Monday, August 15, 2011

Too Bad It's Monday (Jokes, Humor, and Katz)

"Doctor, Doctor! You've gotta help me!" cried the scared woman. "I have a piece of lettuce stuck in my ear!"

"That looks nasty," commented the nurse.

"Nasty?" replied the doctor. "You haven't seen anything yet."

"What do you mean?" asked the nurse and alarmed patient, in unison.

"This is just the tip of the iceberg!" replied the doctor.

The economy is so bad that now MILF stands for: Money I'll Lose Friday!

Reverend Boudreaux was the part-time pastor of the local Cajun Baptist Church and Pastor Thibodaux was the minister of the Covenant Church across the road. They were both standing by the road, pounding a sign into the ground that read:
Da End is Near Turn Yo Sef 'Roun Now Afore It Be Too Late!
As a car sped past them, the driver leaned out his window and yelled, 'You religious nuts!'

From the curve they heard screeching tires, and a big splash... Boudreaux turns to Thib and asks, 'Do ya tink maybe da sign should jussay.........Bridge Out?'

A rugby league fan is drinking in a Belfast bar, when he gets a call on his mobile phone. He hangs up, grinning from ear to ear, and orders a round of drinks for everybody in the bar, announcing his wife has just given birth to a typical Irish baby boy weighing 25 pounds.

Nobody can believe that any new baby can weigh in at 25 pounds, but the rugby fan just shrugs and replies, 'That's about average in Ireland ... like I said, my boy's a typical Irish baby boy. Gonna be a rugby league player.' Congratulations showered him from all around, amid many exclamations of 'WOW!' One woman actually fainted due to sympathy pains.

Two weeks later, he returns to the bar. The bartender says, 'Say, aren’t you the father of that typical Irish baby that weighed 25 pounds at birth? Everybody's been making bets about how big he’d be in two weeks. So, how much does he weigh now?'

The proud father answers, 'Twenty pounds.'

The bartender is puzzled, concerned and a little suspicious. 'What happened? He already weighed 25 pounds the day he was born!'

The Irishman takes a slow swig of his Guinness, wipes his lips on his shirt sleeve, leans into the bartender and proudly says, 'Had him circumcised...'

One would think people had more sense....

An elderly school teacher is on the witness stand in a small town courtroom. The prosecutor asks her if she knows the defense attorney and she says,"Yes, I do. He's a drunkard. He's never sober. I've known him all his life."

The defense attorney asks her, "Ma'am, do you know the prosecutor?'

She answers, "Yes, I do. He's a cheat. He cheated all through school. He cheated on the bar exam and he cheats on his wife."

The judge orders both lawyers to approach the bench. He says, "If either one of you idiots asks that old woman if she knows me, you're both going to jail for a year."

An Accident Report

I am writing in response to your request for "additional information." In block number 30 of the accident report form, I put "poor planning" as the cause for my accident. You said in your last letter that I should explain more fully. I trust that the following detail will be sufficient. I am an amateur radio operator. On the day of the accident, I was working alone on the top section of my new 80-foot antenna tower. When I completed my work, I discovered that I had, over the course of several trips up the tower, brought about 300 lbs. of tools and spare hardware.

Rather than carry the now unneeded tools and materials down by hand, I decided to lower the items in a small barrel by using a pulley, which fortunately was attached to the pole at the tip of the tower. Securing the rope at ground level, I went up to the top of the tower and loaded the tools and materials into the barrel. Then I went back to the ground and untied the rope, holding it tightly to insure a slow descent of the 300 lbs. of tools.

You will note in block number 11 of the accident report form that I weigh 155 lbs. Due to my surprise at being jerked off the ground so suddenly, I lost my presence of mind and forgot to let go of the rope.

Needless to say, I proceeded at a rapid rate up the side of the tower. In the vicinity of the 40-foot level, I met the barrel coming down. This explains my fractured skull and broken clavicle. Slowed only slightly, I continued my rapid ascent, not stopping until the fingers of my right hand were two knuckles deep into the pulley. Fortunately by this time I had regained my presence of mind and was able to hold tightly on the rope in spite of the pain. At about the same time however, the barrel hit the ground. The bottom fell out of the barrel. Devoid of the weight of the tools, the barrel now weighed 20 pounds. I refer you again to my weight in block number 11.

As you might guess, I began a rapid descent down the side of the tower. In the vicinity of the 40-foot level, I met the barrel coming up. This accounts for the two fractured ankles and the lacerations or my legs and lower body. The encounter with the barrel slowed me enough to lessen my injuries when I fell into the pile of tools, and fortunately only three vertebras were cracked.

I am sorry to report, however, that as I lay there on the tools in pain, unable to stand, and watching the empty barrel 80 feet above me, I again lost my presence of mind. I let go of the rope.


Lets do something about children who hurt!


  1. Nick,I swiped the Bridge out one for a wacky wednesday you will get a Tip of the Hat and a link back.I also created a link on facebook.

  2. Thank you, Mike, my dear friend. I appreciate your sharing with other anything on Nick's Bytes and also for pointing others this way.

  3. "Always hilarious, St Nick