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Monday, October 17, 2011

Too Bad It's Monday (Jokes, Humor, and Katz)



Walking home one night, this guy hears a, "Psst! Psst!-give me a hand with this pig would you?"

Looking into the shadows the guy sees his neighbor holding onto a restless and aggitated pig. "What the heck are you planning to do with that?" he asks.

"I'm carrying it indoors and putting in the bath tub."

"Why do you wanna do a crazy thing like that?"

"Well, you see, it's my wife. She is one of those women who knows EVERYTHING! I tell her that the price of petrol has shot up again...she says I know! I tell her there is more trouble in the East again ... she says I know! I tell her Francis down the street is getting a divorce and she knows that, too. Well, tomorrow morning, since she always gets up before me, I'll wait for her to come running to me screaming 'THERE'S A PIG IN THE BATH! THERE'S A PIG IN BATH!'"

And I'll just turn to her and say, "Yeah, I know!"



As a senior citizen was driving down the freeway, his car phone rang.

Answering, he heard his wife's voice urgently warning him, "Herman, I just heard on the news that there's a car going the wrong way on Highway 401. Please be careful!"

"Hun," said Herman, "It's not just one car. It's hundreds of them!"

WARNING: ADULT LANGUAGE OF GEORGE CARLIN:




An older couple was lying in bed one night...

The husband was falling asleep but the wife felt romantic and wanted to talk. She said, "You use to hold my hand when we were courting." Wearily he reached across, held her hand for a second, then tried to get back to sleep.

A few moments later she said, "Then you used to kiss me."

Mildly irritated, he reached across, gave her a peck on the cheek and settled down to sleep.

Thirty seconds later she said, "Then you used to nibble my neck." Angrily, he threw back the bed covers and got out of bed.

"Where are you going?" she asked.

"To get my damned teeth!"



The Modern Toolbox

Hammer - In ancient times a hammer was used to inflict pain on ones enemies. Modern hammers are used to inflict pain on oneself.

Screwdriver - The drink ordered at the local bar after you call in a professional repairman to undo the $500 in damage you did while trying to change out a light socket with your handy screwdriver.


Phillips Screwdriver - The bar drink that you order when the damage estimate is over $1,000. Contains twice the vodka.

Pliers - A device used to extend your reach the necessary few inches when you drop a one-of-a-kind screw down behind the new wall it took you two weeks to install.

Multi-Pliers - Contain a handy assortment of sharp and dangerous tools. Best left in its leather sheath and worn on a homeowners belt to increase testosterone levels.

Electronic Stud Finder - An annoying device that never goes off when you point it at yourself.

Halogen Light - A worklight that lights up your backyard with the incandescence of a football stadium, causing you to cast a heavy shadow over the area you're working on so that you need to use a flashlight anyway.

Cordless Drill - A device that lessens your chance of electrocution 90% over a standard plug-in tool.

Cordless Telephone - The handyman's 911.

Air Compressor - A mechanical device similar in principal to harnessing the power of your mother-in-laws nagging complaints and using the resulting airflow to blast old paint off the side of the house.

Chainsaw - Allows you to cut your way out of the shed that you accidentally built completely around yourself.

Vise Grips - A pair of helping hands that doesn't critique the job you're doing or offer advice.


KATZ



4 comments:

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