AMAZON

Monday, October 24, 2011

Too Bad It's Monday (Jokes, Humor, and Katz)




The religious cowboy lost his favorite Bible while he was mending fences out on the range. 


Three weeks later a cow walked up to him carrying the Bible in its mouth. 


The cowboy couldn't believe his eyes. He took the precious book out of the cow's mouth, raised his eyes heavenward and exclaimed, "It's a miracle!" 


"Not really," said the cow. "Your name is written inside the cover."





A young man was a slow worker and found it difficult to hold down a job. After a visit to the employment office, he was offered work at the local zoo. When he arrived for his first day, the keeper, aware of his reputation, told him to take care of the tortoise section. 


Later, the keeper dropped by to see how the young man was doing and found him standing by an empty enclosure with the gate open. 


"Where are the tortoises?" he asked. 


"I can't believe it," said the new employee, "I just opened the door and whooooosh, they were gone!"







The Top 10 Least Popular Halloween Handouts


Spinach flavored Rice Cakes.


Teeth removing Taffy


Metamucil in a straw


Ex-Lax Brownies


Caramel Covered Zucchini


Colored Crisco on a Stick


Hot steaming bowl of pumpkin guts


Chocolate Covered Prunes


A Handful of Red Man


Anything that ticks!









Returning from a trip to visit my grandmother in California, I was stopped by a state trooper in Kansas for exceeding the speed limit. Grateful to have received a warning instead of a ticket, I gave him a small bag of my grandmother's delicious chocolate-chip cookies and proceeded on my way. 


Later, I was stopped by another trooper. "What have I done?" I asked. 


"Nothing," the trooper said, smiling. "I heard you were passing out great chocolate-chip cookies."









Top 10 Indicators that You Are too Old for Trick or Treat


10. You get winded from knocking on the door. 


9. You have to have another kid chew the candy for you. 


8. You ask for high fiber candy only. 


7. When someone drops a candy bar in your bag, you lose your balance and fall over. 


6. People say, "What a scary mask!" but you're not wearing a mask!


5. When the door opens you yell, "Trick or..." and can't remember the rest. 


4. By the end of the night, you have a bag full of restraining orders. 


3. You have to carefully choose a costume that won't dislodge your hairpiece. 


2. You're the only Power Ranger in the neighborhood with a walker.and last but not least...


1. You avoid going to houses where your ex-wives live.






A husband was advised by his psychiatrist to assert himself. "You don't have to let your wife henpeck you. Go home and show her you're the boss." 


The man was on fire with enthusiasm and couldn't wait to try the doctor's advice! He rushed home, slammed the door, shook his fist in his wife's face, and growled, "From now on, you're taking orders from me. I want my supper right now, and when you get it on the table, go upstairs, and lay out my best clothes. Tonight, I'm going out with the boys and you're going to stay home where you belong. And another thing...you know who's going to comb my hair, iron my pants, polish my shoes and tie my tie?" 


"I certainly do," said his wife calmly, "The undertaker." 


A big Texan is walking down the main street of Ballinclashett and encounters Liam standing on the pavement beside a big strong horse. 

This prompts the Texan to attempt to realise a lifelong dream and he says to Liam, "Say Boy, that's a fine-lookin horse you got there, and I'd like to tour this beautiful country on horseback so's I can see the sights and hear the sounds of the countryside like they did in the old days. I'll buy that horse off of ya, how much ya want." 

Liam says, "O sure and you don't want to be messin with this horse he don't look too good these days." 

"Hey, Boy," says the Texan, "Don't you try to tell me what's a good lookin' horse an what isn't. I been tradin' horses all my life long and there ain't nothin a young country boy like you can tell me about em. Now you jes name yer price and we'll get along fine." 

"I'm sayin' to ye that this horse is not a good lookin horse mister and ye don't want any part of 'im," says Liam. 

The Texan is getting angry now. "Listen up Boy, he says, you leave me be the judge of what's good lookin and what's not and jes give me the price and I'll pay cash right here and now." 

"Oh well," says Liam, "Two-thousand of your American dollars then." 

"Deal!" says the Texan and he hands over the money, Liam unties the horse and the Texan leads him off. 

The horse walks smack into the first lampost in the way, and the Texan turns to Liam and says, "Hey, Boy, you a durned swindler, you didn' tell me this here horse was blind!" 

"I keep tellin' you he don't look too good," says Liam, "and you kept saying that's none of my business, so in the end I gave up."

KATZ


2 comments:

  1. Love the first religious cowboy one!

    ReplyDelete
  2. The Cowboy joke was my favorite, too!

    ReplyDelete