Monday, October 31, 2011

Too Bad It's Monday: Halloween Post

10 Things That Sound Dirty On Halloween, But Aren't...

1. So...What'd you get in the sack? 

2. Once you get under the sheet, start moaning and groaning!!! 

3. Just hop on that broomstick and ride it! 

4. Those small suckers are gone in a few licks! 

5. I got the best piece from that house. 

6. Quit screwing around on the porch!!! 

7. Stick your hand in and guess what you're feeling.... 

8. It was so filled and heavy, I had to use TWO hands!! 

9. They'll suck you dry if they get their teeth in you. 

10. I bobbed and bobbed, but couldn't get my mouth around it!

You Know You're A Cat Person When refer to going to the bathroom as "using the litterbox." do not consider an outfit complete without some cat hair. consider cat hair in your food as extra fiber. apologize when you step on a fuzzy cat toy in the dark. snap your fingers and pat the sofa beside you to invite your guests to sit down. sleep on one edge of the bed because the cat is sleeping in the middle looking soooo cute! accidentally put your child's dinner plate on the floor. spend more money on toys for your cats than on the kids or grandkids. decorate your Christmas tree with dangling cat toys. 

...your neighbors refer to you as "the crazy one with all the cats." have more pictures of your cats than your kids in your wallet. refer to your cat as your furry child. 

...your parents wind up with a four-footed, furry "grandchild." plan your vacation around the cat show schedule. accidentally call your spouse by your cat's name!

There was this guy at a bar, just looking at his drink. He stays like that for half of an hour.

Then, this big trouble-making truck driver steps next to him, takes the drink from the guy, and just drinks it all down. The poor man starts crying. The truck driver says, "Come on man, I was just joking. Here, I'll buy you another drink. I just can't stand to see a man cry."

"No, it's not that. This day is the worst of my life. First, I fall asleep, and I go late to my office. My boss, outrageous, fires me. When I leave the building, to my car, I found out it was stolen. The police said that they can do nothing. I get a cab to return home, and when I leave it, I remember I left my wallet and credit cards there. The cab driver just drives away."

"I go home, and when I get there, I find my wife in bed with the gardener. I leave home, and come to this bar. And just when I was thinking about putting an end to my life, you show up and drink my poison."

Joe the lawyer died suddenly, at the age of 45. He got to the gates of Heaven, and the angel standing there said, "We've been waiting a long time for you." 

"What do you mean?" he replied. "I'm only 45, in the prime of my life. Why did I have to die now?" 

"45? You're not 45, you're 82," replied the angel. 

"Wait a minute. If you think I'm 82, then you have the wrong guy. I'm only 45. I can show you my birth certificate." 

"Hold on. Let me go check," said the angel, and disappeared inside. After a few minutes the angel returned. "Sorry, but by our records you are 82. I checked all the hours you have billed your clients, and you have to be 82..."

One of my friends works in the customer service call center of a national pager company. There, he deals with the usual complaints regarding poor pager operation, as well as the occasional crank caller demanding to be paged less often, more often, or by more interesting people. 

The best call came from Bubba, who repeatedly complained that he keeps being paged by "Lucille." 

He was instructed that he would have to call her and tell her to stop paging him. 

"She don't never leave no number, so I can't call her back," he said. 

After three such calls, someone thought to ask how he knew it was Lucille if she didn't leave a number. 

"She leaves her name," was the reply. 

After establishing that the customer had a numeric-only pager, the light bulb came on. 

"How does she spell her name?" the service rep asked. 

"L-O-W C-E-L-L" 

Another technical problem solved.

Gordon Ramsey's Chelsea Lately's Kitchen Nightmares