Sunday, December 04, 2011

Too Bad It's Monday Jokes & KATZ

Dear Father, 

$chool i$ really great. I am making lot$ of friend$ and $tudying very hard. With all my $tuff, I $imply can't think of anything I need, $o if you would like, you can ju$t $end me a card, a$ I would love to hear from you.

Love, Your $on.

After receiving his son's letter, the father immediately replies by sending a letter back.

Dear Son,

I kNOw that astroNOmy, ecoNOmics, and oceaNOgraphy are eNOugh to keep even an hoNOr student busy. Do NOt forget that the pursuit of kNOwledge is a NOble task, and you can never study eNOugh.

Love, Dad

A new York Divorce Lawyer died and arrived at the pearly gates. Saint Peter asks him "What have you done to merit entrance into Heaven?" The Lawyer thought a moment, then said, "A week ago, I gave a quarter to a homeless person on the street." Saint Peter asked Gabriel to check this out in the record, and after a moment Gabriel affirmed that this was true.

Saint Peter said, "Well , that's fine, but it's not really quite enough to get you into Heaven." The Lawyer said, "Wait Wait! There's more! Three years ago I also gave a homeless person a quarter." Saint Peter nodded to Gabriel, who after a moment nodded back, affirming this, too, had been verified.

Saint Peter then whispered to Gabriel, "Well, what do you suggest we do with this fellow?"

Gabriel gave the Lawyer a sidelong glance, then said to Saint Peter,

"Let's give him back his 50 cents and tell him to go to Hell."

A man is in a bar and falling off his stool every couple of minutes. He is obviously drunk. So the bartender says to another man in the bar: "Why don't you be a good Samaritan and take him home."

The man takes the drunk out the door and to his car and he stumbles at least ten times. They drive along and the drunk points out his house to the man. He stops the car and the drunk stumbles up the steps to his house with the man.

The drunk's wife greets them at the door: "Why thank you for bringing him home for me, but where's his wheel chair?"

I ran into an old buddy the other day. He was a rising entrepreneur, but now he looked down and out. What gives? He begins wailing his tale.

"I had a restaurant out there on the interstate, you know. Spent a fortune on a new high-rise sign to attract traffic. It did, too. It read 'free cocktail with dinner!' The 'cocktail' was flashing red neon. Was it impressive!"

"Sounds like a good idea. So what went wrong?"

"Oh, the county took notice, inspection crews come out, I'm harassed all the time by the Planning department, the churches in the neighborhood have filed compaints-"

"Hey, I thought you ran a stand-up operation out there."

"I did. Half my flashing red neon burned out!"

"Oh, I see..." I thought a minute. "Which half?"

"Don't make no difference!" he wailed.

A young man called his mother and announced excitedly that he had just met the woman of his dreams. Now what should he do? 

His mother had an idea: "Why don't you send her flowers, and on the card invite her to your apartment for a home- cooked meal?" 

He thought this was a great strategy, and arranged a date for a week later. His mother called the day after the big date to see how things had gone. 

"The evening was a disaster," he moaned. 

"Why, didn't she come over?" asked his mother. 

"Oh, she came over, but she refused to cook...."

A woman had died in January, but her bank had billed her for their annual service charges for February and March on her credit card, and then added late fees and interest on the monthly charge. The balance had been $0.00 but was now around $60.00. A family member placed a call to the bank 

Family Member: "I am calling to tell you that she died in January." 

Bank: "The account was never closed and the late fees and charges still apply." 

Family Member: "Maybe, you should turn it over to collections." 

Bank: "Since it is two months past due, it already has been." 

Family Member: So, what will they do when they find out she's dead?" 

Bank: "Either report her account to the frauds division or report her to the credit bureau, maybe both!" 

Family Member: "Do you think God will be mad at her?" 

Bank: "Excuse me?" 

Family Member: "Did you just get what I was telling you, the part about her being dead?" 

Bank: "Sir, you'll have to speak to my supervisor." 

Supervisor gets on the phone: 

Family Member: "I'm calling to tell you, she died in January." 

Bank: "The account was never closed and the late fees and charges still apply." 

Family Member: "You mean you want to collect from her estate?" 

Bank: (Stammer) "Are you her lawyer?" 

Family Member: "No, I'm her great nephew." (Lawyer info given) 

Bank: "Could you fax us a certificate of death?" 

Family Member: "Sure." (fax number is given) 

After they get the fax: 

Bank: "Our system just isn't set-up for death. I don't know what more I can do to help." 

Family Member: "Well, if you figure it out, great! If not, you could just keep billing her. I don't think she will care." 

Bank: "Well, the late fees and charges do still apply." 

Family Member: "Would you like her new billing address?" 

Bank: "That might help." 

Family Member: "Odessa Memorial Cemetery, Highway 129, Plot Number 69." 

Bank: "Sir, that's a cemetery!" 

Family Member: "What do you do with dead people on your planet?"



  1. totally LOVE the dead santa - stole him to send to my pals at work.

    hope you're keeping well Nick


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