Monday, February 20, 2012

T.B.I.M. on President's Day

I've never understood why women love cats. 

Cats are independent, they don't listen, they don't come in when you call, they like to stay out all night, and when they're home they like to be left alone and sleep. 

In other words, every quality that women hate in a man, they love in a cat.

Shopping for a black cotton sweater, I couldn't find anything suitable in a trendy Berkeley clothing store. A helpful saleswoman offered to check the store catalogue. 

After flipping through the pages, she looked up in consternation. "Mark," she called to her co-worker, "what are we calling black this year?"

In the middle of an argument a man said to his wife, "I don't know how you can be so stupid and so beautiful all at the same time!" 

The wife responded calmly, "Allow me to explain...the good Lord made me beautiful so you would be attracted to me; and he made me stupid so I would be attracted to you!"

Cat Quotes

"Managing senior programmers is like herding cats."
- Dave Platt 

"Cats are smarter than dogs. You can't get eight cats to pull a sled through snow." 
- Jeff Valdez 

"There is no snooze button for a cat that wants breakfast."

"Thousands of years ago, cats were worshipped as gods. 
Cats have never forgotten this." - Anonymous 

"In a cat's eye, all things belong to cats." 
- English proverb 

"As every cat owner knows, nobody owns a cat." 
- Ellen Perry Berkeley 

"One cat just leads to another." 
- Ernest Hemingway 

"Dogs come when they're called; cats take a message and get back to you later." 

"Cats are rather delicate creatures and they are subject to a good many ailments, but I never heard of one who suffered from insomnia." 
- Joseph Wood Krutch 

"People that hate cats, will come back as mice in their next life." 
- Faith Resnick 

"I have studied many philosophers and many cats. The wisdom of cats is infinitely superior." 
- Hippolyte Taine 

"There are many intelligent species in the universe. They are all owned by cats."
- Anonymous 

"There are two means of refuge from the miseries of life: music and cats." 
- Albert Schweitzer 

The cat has too much spirit to have no heart." 
- Ernest Menaul 

"No heaven will not ever Heaven be; Unless my cats are there to welcome me." 
- Anonymous 

"Time spent with cats is never wasted." 
- Colette

More Cat Quotes

"Some people say that cats are sneaky, evil, and cruel. True, and they have many other fine qualities as well." 
- Missy Dizick 

"You will always be lucky if you know how to make friends with strange cats." 
- Colonial American proverb 

"Cats seem to go on the principle that it never does any harm to ask for what you want." 
- Joseph Wood Krutch 

"Cats aren't clean, they're just covered with cat spit." 
- John S. Nichols 

"The smallest feline is a masterpiece."
-- Leonardo Da Vinci 

"Cat's motto: No matter what you've done wrong, always try to make it look like the dog did it." 
-- Anonymous 

"Women and cats will do as they please and men and dogs should relax and get used to the idea."
-- Robert A. Heinlein

A Scots pessimist is a man who feels badly when he feels good for fear he'll feel worse when he feels better.

A preacher is buying a parrot. 

"Are you sure it doesn't scream, yell, or swear?" asked the preacher. 

"Oh absolutely. It's a religious parrot," the storekeeper assures him. 

"Do you see those strings on his legs? When you pull the right one, he recites the lord's prayer, and when you pull on the left he recites the 23rd Psalm." 

"Wonderful!" says the preacher, "but what happens if you pull both strings?" 

"I fall off my perch, you stupid dunce!" screeched the parrot.

A father put his three year old daughter to bed, told her a story and listened to her prayers - which she ended by saying "God bless Mommy, God bless Daddy, God bless Grandma, and good-bye Grandpa." 

The father said, "Why did you say good-bye to Grandpa?" 

The little girl said, "I don't know, Daddy, it just seemed like the thing to do." 

The next day Grandpa died. The father thought it was a strange coincidence. A few months later the father put the girl to bed and listened to her prayers, which went like this -- "God bless Mommy, God bless Daddy, and good-bye Grandma." The next day the grandmother died. 

My goodness, thought the father, this kid is in contact with the other side. 

Several weeks later when the girl was going to bed the Dad heard her say, "God bless Mommy and good-bye Daddy." 

He practically went into shock. He couldn't sleep all night and got up at the crack of dawn to go to his office. He was nervous as a cat all day, had lunch sent in and watched the clock. He figured if he could get by until midnight he would be OK. He felt safe in the office, so instead of going home at the end of the day he stayed there, drinking coffee, looking at his watch and jumping at every sound. 

Finally midnight arrived, he breathed a sigh of relief and went home. When he got home his wife said, "I've never seen you work so late, what's the matter?" 

He said, "I don't want to talk about it, I've just spent the worst day of my life." 

She said, "You think you had a bad day, you'll never believe what happened to me. This morning the mailman dropped dead on our porch."


Have a Joyful 

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