Too Bad It's Monday Humor

Three mothers, a blonde, brunette, and a redhead were all talking about their daughters.

The Brunette said "I was looking through my daughters things and I found cigarettes, I can't believe my daughter smokes."

The Redhead says "Ladies, I was looking through my daughters things and I found a bottle of liquor, I can't believe my daughter drinks."

The Blond says "I was looking through my daughters things and I found a pack of condoms, I can't believe my daughter has a penis!"

Why are lawyers like nuclear weapons? If one side has one, the other side has to get one. Once launched, they cannot be recalled. When they land, they screw up everything forever. 

Many years ago, a junior partner in a firm was sent to a far-away state to represent a long-term client accused of robbery. After days of trial, the case was won, the client acquitted and released. Excited about his success, the attorney telegraphed the firm: "Justice prevailed." The senior partner replied in haste: "Appeal immediately."

A man walks into a convenience store and buys a dozen condoms, then leaves. 3 weeks later, he comes back and buys a nother dozen condoms, then leaves. 3 weeks after that, he buys another dozen condoms. while checking out the man behind the counter asks,"what is your secret. how do you get that many girls in so little time?" the man says, "girls,no man, i'm 65 years old. i could not get a girl if i tried. i feed the condoms to my poodles and they shit in baggies.

A guy is walking past the big wooden fence around the insane asylum and he hears the residents inside chanting, "Thirteen! Thirteen! Thirteen!" 

Quite curious about this, he finds a hole in the fence, and looks in. Someone inside pokes him in the eye. Then everyone inside the asylum starts chanting, "Fourteen! Fourteen! Fourteen!"

ADVANCE SARCASM FROM THE MOUTH OF GEORGE CARLIN:

• If the Cincinnati Reds were really the first major league baseball team, who did they play?
• Honesty may be the best policy, but it’s important to remember that apparently, by elimination, dishonesty is the second-best policy.
• The reason I talk to myself is because I’m the only one whose answers I accept.
• Just when I discovered the meaning of life, they changed it.
• he IQ and the life expectancy of the average American recently passed each other in opposite directions.
• he IQ and the life expectancy of the average American recently passed each other in opposite directions.
• You know theonly  good part about all those Governor George Bush executions in Texas? Fewer Texans.
• I knew a transsexual guy whose only ambition is to eat, drink, and be Mary.
• If you’ve got a cat and a leg, you’ve got a happy cat. If you’ve got a cat and two legs, you’ve got a party.
• By and large, language is a tool for concealing the truth.
• When you’re born you get a ticket to the freak show. When you’re born in America, you get a front-row seat.
• Have you noticed that most of the women who are against abortion are women you wouldn’t want to fuck in the first place? There’s such balance in nature.
• One great thing about getting old is that you can get out of all sorts of social obligations just by saying you’re too tired.
• Have you ever wondered why Republicans are so interested in encouraging people to volunteer in their communities? It’s because volunteers work for no pay. Republicans have been trying to get people to work for no pay for a long time.
• “Meow” means “woof” in cat.
• I think I am, therefore, I am. I think.
• If the cops didn’t see it, I didn’t do it!
• Hooray for most things!
• Capitalism tries for a delicate balance: It attempts to work things out so that everyone gets just enough stuff to keep them from getting violent and trying to take other people’s stuff.
• It isn’t fair: the caterpillar does all the work, and the butterfly gets all the glory.

Are YOU a REDNECK Jedi Knight? 

• Your Jedi robe is a Camouflage color. 
• You have ever used your Light Saber to open a bottle of Boone's Farm Strawberry Hill 
• You think the best use of your light saber is picking your teeth. 
• At least one wing of your X-Wing is primer colored!!! 
• There is a blaster rack in the back of your landspeeder 
• You have bantha horns on the front of your landspeeder 
• You can easily describe the taste of an Ewok 
• You can find no grammatical errors in the way Yoda talks 
• You think that Stormtroopers are just KKK members with really good sheets 
• A peaceful meditation session is one without gas 
• You can levitate yourself using a force from within, but not THE FORCE 
• Your master ever said "My finger you will pull..hmmm?" 
• You have ever had an X-wing up on blocks in your yard. 
• You ever lost a hand during a light-saber fight because you had tospit. 
• The worst part of spending time on Dagoba is the dadgum skeeters. 
• Wookies are offended by your B.O. 
• You have ever used the force to get yourself another beer so you didn't have to wait for a commercial.
• You have ever used the force in conjunction with fishing/bowling. 
• You have ever used a light-sabre to clean fish or open a non-twist-off bottle of beer. 
• Your father has ever said to you, "Shoot, son come on over t' the dark side...it'll be a hoot." 
• You have ever had your R-2 unit use its self-defense electro-shock thingy to get the bar-b-q grill to light.

A man and his wife go to their honeymoon hotel for their 25th anniversary. As the couple reflected on that magical evening 25 years ago, the wife asked the husband, "When you first saw my naked body in front of you, what was going through your mind?" 

The husband replied, "All I wanted to do was to screw your brains out, and suck your boobs dry." 

Then, as the wife undressed, she asked, "What are you thinking now?" 

He replied, "It looks as if I did a pretty good job."

KATZ

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