Too Bad It's Monday Humor

Success is:

• At age 4 success is . . . not peeing in your pants.
• At age 12 success is . . . having friends.
• At age 16 success is . . . having a drivers license.
• At age 20 success is . . . having sex.
• At age 35 success is . . . having money.
• At age 50 success is . . . having money.
• At age 60 success is . . . having sex.
• At age 70 success is . . . having a drivers license.
• At age 75 success is . . . having friends.
• At age 80 success is . . . not peeing in your pants.
• I was in a pub on Saturday night. Had a few drinks.

I was in a pub on Saturday night. Had a few drinks.Then I noticed two rather large women sitting at the bar.  They both had strong accents so I asked, "Hey, are you two ladies from Scotland?  

One of them screamed, "It's Wales, you friggin' IDIOT!"

I immediately apologized and said, "Sorry. Are you two whales from Scotland?" That's all I remember.

A lawyer married a woman who had previously divorced ten husbands. 

On their wedding night, she told her new husband, "Please be gentle, I'm still a virgin." 

"What?" said the puzzled groom. 

"How can that be if you've been married ten times?" 

"Well, Husband #1 was a sales representative: he kept telling me how great it was going to be. 

Husband #2 was in software services: he was never really sure how it was supposed to function, but he said he'd look into it and get back to me. 

Husband #3 was from field services: he said everything checked out diagnostically but he just couldn't get the system up. 

Husband #4 was in telemarketing: even though he knew he had the order, he didn't know when he would be able to deliver. 

Husband #5 was an engineer: he understood the basic process but wanted three years to research, implement, and design a new state-of-the-art method. 

Husband #6 was from finance and administration: he thought he knew how, but he wasn't sure whether it was his job or not. 

Husband #7 was in marketing: although he had a nice product, he was never sure how to position it. 

Husband #8 was a psychologist: all he ever did was talk about it. 

Husband #9 was a gynecologist: all he did was look at it. 

Husband #10 was a stamp collector: all he ever did was... God! I miss him! But now that I've married you, I'm really excited!" 

"Good," said the new husband, "but, why?" 

"You're a lawyer. This time I know I'm gonna get screwed!"

Two women friends had gone out for a Girls Night Out, and had been decidedly over-enthusiastic on the cocktails. Incredibly drunk and walking home they suddenly realized they both needed to pee. They were very near a graveyard and one of them suggested they do their business behind a headstone or something. The first woman had nothing to wipe with so she took off her panties, used them and threw them away. Her friend however was wearing an expensive underwear set and didn't want to ruin hers, but was lucky enough to salvage a large ribbon from a wreath that was on a grave and proceeded to wipe herself with it. After finishing, they made their way home.

The next day the first woman's husband phones the other husband and said, "These damn girls nights out have got to stop. My wife came home last night without her panties." "That's nothing," said the other. "Mine came back with a sympathy card stuck between the cheeks of her butt that said, 'From all of us at the Fire Station, Well never forget you!'

A man escapes from prison where he has been for 15 years. He breaks into a house to look for money and guns and finds a young couple in bed. 

He orders the guy out of bed and ties him to a chair, while tying the girl to the bed he gets on top of her, kisses her neck, then gets up and goes into the bathroom. While he's in there, the husband tells his wife:

"Listen, this guy's an escaped convict, look at his clothes! He probably spent lots of time in jail and hasn't seen a woman in years. I saw how he kissed your neck." If he wants sex, don't resist, don't complain, do whatever he tells you. Satisfy him no matter how much he nauseates you. This guy is probably very dangerous. If he gets angry, he'll kill us. Be strong, honey. I love you."

To which his wife responds: "He wasn't kissing my neck. He wwas whispering in my ear. He told me he was gay, thought you were cute, and asked me if we had any vaseline. I told him it was in the bathroom. Be strong honey. I love you too!!"

An airline captain was breaking in a new blonde stewardess. The route they were flying had a layover in another city. Upon their arrival, the captain showed the stewardess the best place for airline personnel to eat, shop and stay overnight.

The next morning, as the pilot was preparing the crew for the day's route, he noticed the new stewardess was missing. He knew which room she was in at the hotel and called her up wondering what happened. She answered the phone, crying, and said she couldn't get out of her room. "You can't get out of your room?" the captain asked, "Why not?"

The stewardess replied: "There are only three doors in here," she sobbed, "one is the bathroom, one is the closet, and one has a sign on it that says 'Do Not Disturb'!"

A little girl walks into a pet shop and asks in the sweetest little lisp: "Excuthe me, mithter, do you keep wittle wabbits?" 

And the shopkeeper gets down on his knees, so that he's on her level, and asks: "Do you want a wittle white wabby or a soft and fuwwy bwack wabby or maybe one like that cute wittle bwown wabby over there?" 

The little girl puts her hands on her knees, leans forward and says in a quiet voice: "I don't fink my pyfon really giveths a thit."

A couple were going out for the evening. They'd got ready, all dolled up, cat put out, etc. 

The taxi arrives, and as the couple got out, the cat shoots back in. They don't want the cat shut in the house, so the wife goes out to the taxi while the husband goes upstairs to chase the cat out. 

The wife, not wanting it known that the house will be empty explains to the taxi driver "He's just going upstairs to say goodbye to my mother." 

A few minutes later, the husband gets into the cab -"Sorry I took so long" he says, "Stupid old thing was hiding under the bed and I had to poke her with a coat hanger to get her to come out!"

KATZ

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