Too Bad It's Monday (TBIM) Jokes & Humor & KATZ

Writers' Quotes:

• "The difference between fiction and reality? Fiction has to make sense." Tom Clancy
• "I never know what I think about something until I read what I've written on it." William Faulkner
• "I handed in a script last year and the studio didn't change one word. The word they didn't change was on page 87." Steve Martin
• "I have always been a huge admirer of my own work. I'm one of the funniest and most entertaining writers I know." Mel Brooks
• "It took me fifteen years to discover that I had no talent for writing, but I couldn't give it up because by that time I was too famous." Robert Benchley
• "A writer is congenitally unable to tell the truth and that is why we call what he writes fiction." William Faulkner
• "The free-lance writer is the person who is paid per piece or per word or perhaps." Robert Benchley

A woman walked up to a little old man rocking in a chair on his porch. 

"I couldn't help noticing how happy you look," she said. "What's your secret for a long happy life?" 

"I smoke three packs of cigarettes a day," he said. "I also drink a case of whiskey a week, eat fatty foods, and never exercise." 

"That's amazing," the woman said. "How old are you?' 

"Twenty-six," he said. 

One morning, two Englishmen are strolling down a London street, when they see a stray dog licking its own testicles. One of the Englishmen turns to the other and says, "Say, I wish I could do that!" 

His mate watches the dog for a moment, sighs longingly, and replies, "I should say so! But don't you think you ought to get to know him first?"

Eye Halve a Spelling Chequer

Eye halve a spelling chequer

It came with my pea sea

It plainly marques four my revue

Miss steaks eye kin knot sea.

Eye strike a key and type a word

And weight four it two say

Weather eye am wrong oar write

It shows me strait a weigh. 

As soon as a mist ache is maid

It nose bee fore two long

And eye can put the error rite

Its rarely ever wrong.

Eye have run this poem threw it

I am shore your pleased two no 

Its letter perfect in it's weigh

My chequer tolled me sew.

An English teacher wrote these words on the whiteboard: "woman without her man is nothing". The teacher then asked the students to punctuate the words correctly.

The men wrote: "Woman, without her man, is nothing."

The women wrote: "Woman! Without her, man is nothing."

An English man and an Irish man are driving head on , at night, on a twisty, dark road. Both are driving too fast for the conditions and collide on a sharp bend in the road. To the amazement of both, they are unscathed, though their cars are both destroyed. 

In celebration of their luck, both agree to put aside their dislike for the other from that moment on. At this point, the Englishman goes to the boot and fetches a 12 year old bottle of whisky. He hands the bottle to the Irish man, whom exclaims, " May the Irish and the English live together forever, in peace, and harmony." 

The Irish man then tips the bottle and gulps half of the bottle down. Still flabbergasted over the whole thing, he goes to hand the bottle to the Englishman, whom replies: "No thanks, I'll just wait till the Police get here!"

Two Anglican bishops were discussing the decline in morals in the modern world.

"I didn't sleep with my wife before I was married," said one clergyman self-righteously, "Did you?"

"I don't know," said the other. "What was her maiden name?"

Two college basketball players were taking an important final exam. If they failed, they would be on academic probation and not allowed to play in the big game the following week. The exam was fill-in-the-blank.

The last question read, "Old MacDonald had a ________."

Bubba was stumped. He had no idea what to answer. But he knew he needed to get this one right to be sure he passed.

Making sure the professor wasn't watching, he tapped Tiny on the shoulder. "Pssst. Tiny. What's the answer to the last question?"

Tiny laughed. He looked around to make sure the professor hadn't noticed then he turned to Bubba. "Bubba, you're so stupid. Everyone knows Old MacDonald had a FARM."

"Oh yeah," said Bubba. "I remember now."

He picked up his No. 2 pencil and started to write the answer in the blank. He stopped. Tapping Tiny's shoulder again, he whispered, "Tiny, how do you spell farm?"

"You are really dumb, Bubba. That's so easy. Farm is spelled E-I-E-I-O."

KATZ

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