First God created earth, then God rested...
Then God created man, then God rested...
Then God created women and no one has rested since!
A pastor (and I) once had a grumpy parishioner named Bob, who always sat with his arms crossed and never said a word to the preacher. One Sunday when it was time for the sermon, the stage filled with smoke and the pastor stepped out dressed as Satan.
Everyone ran except Bob.
The pastor (dressed as Satan) walked up to Bob.
Pastor: Sir, don't you know who I am?
Bob: Yes, sir, I do.
Pastor: Aren't you afraid of me?
Pastor: Why not?
Bob: Because I've been married to your sister for forty years.
The devout cowboy lost his favorite Bible while he was mending fences out on the range. Three weeks later, a bear walked up to him carrying the Bible in its mouth.
The cowboy couldn't believe his eyes. He took the precious book out of the bear's mouth, raised his eyes heavenward and exclaimed, "It's a miracle!"
"Not really," said the bear. "Your name is written inside the cover."
A man goes into a bar and seats himself on a stool. The bartender looks at him and says, "What'll it be buddy?"
The man says, "Set me up with seven whiskey shots and make them doubles."
The bartender does this and watches the man slug one down, then the next, then the next, and so on until all seven are gone almost as quickly as they were served.
Staring in disbelief, the bartender asks why he's doing all this drinking.
"You'd drink them this fast too if you had what I have."
The bartender hastily asks, "What do you have pal?"
The man quickly replies, "I only have a dollar."
There was a preacher who was an avid golfer. Every chance he could get, he could be found on the golf course swinging away. It was an obsession.
One Sunday was a picture perfect day for golfing. The sun was out, no clouds in the sky, and the temperature was just right. The preacher was in a quandary as to what to do, and shortly, the urge to play golf overcame him. He called an assistant to tell him that he was sick and could not do church, packed the car up, and drove three hours to a golf course where no one would recognize him. Happily, he began to play the course.
An angel was watching the preacher and was quite perturbed. He went to God and said, "Look at the preacher. He should be punished for what he is doing."
God nodded in agreement.
The preacher teed up on the first hole. He swung at the ball, and it sailed effortlessly through the air and landed right in the cup three hundred and fifty yards away. A picture perfect hole-in-one. He was amazed and excited.
The angel was a little shocked. He turned to God and said, "Begging Your pardon, but I thought you were going to punish him."
God smiled. "Think about it: who can he tell?"
Two blondes are walking down the street when one of them looks down and finds a mirror. She picks it up, looks at it. "WOW! I know this person. I've seen this person before."
The other blonde takes the mirror and looks at it and says, "Of course you do. It's me!"
A small-town country farmer has a watermelon patch and upon inspection he discovers that some of the local kids have been helping themselves to his prized watermelons.
The farmer thinks of ways to discourage this profit-eating situation. So he puts up a sign that reads:
"WARNING! ONE OF THESE WATERMELONS CONTAINS CYANIDE!"
He smiled smugly as he watched the kids run off the next night without eating any of his melons.
The farmer returns to the watermelon patch a week later to discover that none of the watermelons have been eaten, but finds another sign that reads:
"NOW THERE ARE TWO!"
A father is asked by his friend, "Has your son decided what he wants to be when he grows up?"
"Yes, he wants to be a garbage collector," replied the boy's father.
His friend thought for a moment and responded, "That's a strange ambition to have for a career."
"Well," said the boy's father, "he thinks that garbage collectors only work on Tuesdays!"
Old, but funny with a poke at attorneys:
A Mafia Godfather, accompanied by his attorney, walks into a room to meet with his former accountant. The Godfather asks the accountant, "Where is the 3 million bucks you embezzled from me?"
The accountant does not answer.
The Godfather asks again, "Where is the 3 million bucks you embezzled from me?"
The attorney interrupts, "Sir, the man is a deaf mute and cannot understand you, but I can interpret for you."
The Godfather says, "Well ask him where my damm money is!"
The attorney, using sign language, asks the accountant where the 3 million dollars is.
The accountant signs back, "I don't know what you are talking about."
The attorney interprets to the Godfather, "He doesn't know what you are talking about."
The Godfather pulls out a 9 millimeter pistol, puts it to the temple of the accountant, cocks the trigger and says, "Ask him again where my damn money is!"
The attorney signs to the accountant, "He wants to know where it is!"
The accountant signs back, "OK! OK! OK! The money is hidden in a brown suitcase behind the shed in my backyard!"
The Godfather says, "Well....what did he say?"
The attorney interprets to the Godfather, "He says...go to hell... ...that you don't have the guts to pull that damned trigger."