Too Bad It's Monday: Jokes and KATZ

A man goes to a psychiatrist. "Doc, I keep having these alternating recurring dreams. First I'm a teepee; then I'm a wigwam; then I'm a teepee; then I'm a wigwam. It's driving me crazy. What's wrong with me?" 

The shrink replies: "It's very simple. You're two tents."

The cowboy lay sprawled across three entire seats in the posh Amarillo theatre. When the usher came by and noticed this he whispered to the cowboy, "Sorry, sir, but you're only allowed one seat." 

The cowboy groaned but didn't budge. 

The usher became more impatient. "Sir, if you don't get up from there, I'm going to have to call the manage." 

The cowboy just groaned. 

The usher marched briskly back up the aisle. In a moment he returned with the manager. Together the two of them tried repeatedly to move the cowboy, but with no success. Finally, they summoned the police. 

The cop surveyed the situation briefly then asked, "All right buddy, what's you're name?" 

"Sam," the cowboy moaned. 

"Where ya from, Sam?" 

With pain in his voice Sam replied:"The balcony." 

Texan's guide to life

Never squat with yer spurs on. 

There's two theories to arguin' with a woman; neither one works. 

Don't worry about bitin' off more than you can chew, your mouth is probably a whole lot bigger'n you think. 

If you get to thinkin' you're a person of some influence, try orderin' somebody else's dog around. 

Never smack a man who's chewin' tobacco. 

It don't take a genius to spot a goat in a flock of sheep. 

Never ask a barber if he thinks you need a haircut. 

Good judgment comes from experience, and a lot of that comes from bad judgment. 

Always drink upstream from the herd. 

If you're ridin' ahead of the herd, take a look back every now and then to make sure it's still there. 

Lettin' the cat outta the bag is a whole lot easier 'n puttin' it back in. 

Finally, never miss a good chance to shut up. 

Old, but still funny:

A blonde, out of money and down on her luck after buying air at a real bargain, needed money desperately. To raise cash, she decided to kidnap a child and hold him for ransom.

She went to the local playground, grabbed a kid randomly, took her behind a building, and told her, "I've kidnapped you."

She then wrote a big note saying, "I've kidnapped your kid. Tomorrow morning, put $10,000 in a paper bag and leave it under the apple tree next to the slides on the south side of the playground. Signed, A blonde." 

The blonde then pinned the note to the kid's shirt and sent him home to show it to his parents. The next morning the blonde checked, and sure enough, a paper bag was sitting beneath the apple tree. The blonde looked in the bag and found the $10,000 with a note that said, "How could you do this to a fellow blonde?" 

Once there was a millionaire, who collected live alligators. He kept them in the pool in back of his mansion. The millionaire also had a beautiful daughter who was single. One day he decides to throw a huge party, and during the party he announces, "My dear guests . . . I have a proposition to every man here. I will give one million dollars or my daughter to the man who can swim across this pool full of alligators and emerge alive!" 

As soon as he finished his last word, there was the sound of a large splash!! There was one guy in the pool swimming with all he could and screaming out of fear. The crowd cheered him on as he kept stroking as though he was running for his life. Finally, he made it to the other side with only a torn shirt and some minor injuries. The millionaire was impressed. 

He said, "My boy that was incredible! Fantastic! I didn't think it could be done! Well I must keep my end of the bargain. Do you want my daughter or the one million dollars?" 

The guy says, "Listen, I don't want your money, nor do I want your daughter! I want the person who pushed me in that water!"

A man who had been caught embezzling millions from his employer went to a lawyer seeking defense. He did not want to go to jail. But his lawyer told him, "Don’t worry. You’ll never have to go to jail with all that money.” 

And the lawyer was right. After he paid his lawyer's bills, when the man was sent to prison, he didn’t have a dime.

Worried because they hadn't heard anything for days from the widow in the neighboring apartment, Mrs. Silver said to her son, "Timmy, would you go next door and see how old Mrs. Kirkland is?"

A few minutes later, Timmy returned.

"Well," asked Mrs. Silver, "is she all right?"

"She's fine, except that she's angry at you."

"At me?" the woman exclaimed. "Whatever for?"

"She said 'It's none of your business how old she is,'" snickered Timmy.

You know you're getting older when...

Everything that works hurts, and what doesn't hurt doesn't work. 

You feel like the morning after, and you haven't been anywhere. 

Your little black book only contains names ending in M.D. 

Your children are beginning to look middle-aged. 

Your mind makes contracts your body can't keep. 

You look forward to a dull evening. 

Your knees buckle and your belt won't. 

Your back goes out more than you do. 

You sink your teeth into a steak, and they stay there. 

You know all the answers, but nobody asks the questions. 

KATZ

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