Welcome to Sometimes Saintly Nick's
Too Bad It's Monday
A man fell in love with the girl of his dreams. They were perfect for each other, except for one minor problem: She was an Auburn Tigers fan and he was an Alabama Crimson Tide fan.
So he decided to make the ultimate sacrifice and become a Tigers fan. He went to the doctor and asked if there was an easy way to do this. The doctor replied, "Yes, it's a very simple procedure. What we do is go in and remove half your brain. When you wake up, you will be an Auburn Tigers fan."
The man agrees, and the next week goes into surgery. After he wakes up the doctor comes up to him concerned. "Sir, I apologize, but there was a mix-up with the scalpel. Instead of removing half your brain we removed 3/4 of it. How do you feel?"
The man sat up, looked around, and said "GO GATORS!"
A tattooed young man with his pants hanging half off his ass, two gold front teeth, and a half inch thick gold chain around his neck; walked into the local welfare office to pick up his check.
He marched up to the counter and said, "Hi. You know, I just H A T E drawing
welfare. I'd really rather have a job.. I don't like taking advantage of the system, getting something for nothing."
The social worker behind the counter said, "Your timing is excellent. We Just got a job opening from a very wealthy old man who wants a chauffeur and bodyguard for his beautiful daughter. You'll have to drive around in his 2013 Mercedes-Benz CL, and he will supply all of your clothes.
"Because of The long hours, meals will be provided. You'll also be expected to escort the daughter on her overseas holiday trips. This is rather awkward to say
But you will also have, as part of your job, the assignment to satisfy her sexual urges as the daughter is in her mid-20's and has a rather strong sex drive."
The guy, just plain wide-eyed, said, "You're bullshittin' me!"
The social worker said, "Yeah, well...You started it."
Two 90-year-old women, Bertha and Betty, had been friends all of their lives.
When it was clear that Bertha was dying, Betty visited her every day.
One day Betty said, "Bertha, we both loved playing softball all our lives, and we played all through high school. Please do me one favor: when you get to heaven, somehow you must let me know if there's women's softball there."
Bertha looked up at Betty from her deathbed and said, "Betty, you've been my best friend for many years. If it's at all possible, I'll do this favor for you."
Shortly after that, Bertha died.
A few nights later, Betty was awakened from a sound sleep by a blinding flash of white light and a voice calling out to her, "Betty, Betty."
"Who is it," asked Betty, sitting up suddenly. "Who is it?"
"Betty -- it's me, Bertha."
"You're not Bertha. Bertha just died."
"I'm telling you, it's me, Bertha," insisted the voice.
"Bertha! Where are you?"
"In heaven," replied Bertha. "I have some really good news and a little bad news."
"Tell me the good news first," said Betty.
"The good news," Bertha said with joy and enthusiasm, "is that there's women's softball in heaven. Better yet, all of our old buddies who died before me are here, too. Even better than that, we're all young again. Better still, it's always Springtime and it never rains or snows. And best of all, we can play softball all we want, and we never get tired."
"That's fantastic," said Betty. "It's beyond my wildest dreams! So what's the bad news?"
"You're pitching Tuesday."
Several days ago as I left a meeting at a hotel; I desperately gave myself a personal TSA pat down.
I was looking for my keys. They were not in my pockets.
A quick search in the meeting room revealed nothing.
Suddenly I realized I must have left them in the car.
Frantically, I headed for the parking lot.
My husband has scolded me many times for leaving the keys in the ignition.
My theory is the ignition is the best place not to lose them.
His theory is that the car will be stolen.
As I burst through the door, I came to a terrifying conclusion.
His theory was right.
The parking lot was empty.
I immediately called the police. I gave them my location, confessed that I had left my keys in the car, and that it had been stolen.
Then I made the most difficult call of all,"Honey," I stammered; ( I always call him "honey" in times like these.) "I left my keys in the car and it's been stolen." There was a period of silence. I thought the call had been dropped, but then I heard his voice.
"Are you kidding' me", he barked, "I dropped you off"!!!
Now it was my time to be silent. Embarrassed, I said,"Well, come and get me."
He retorted, "I will, as soon as I convince this cop I didn't steal your car."
Yep, it's the golden years................
A guy is in a bar having a quiet drink by himself when a young, beautiful blonde lady walks up to him and asks him to buy her a drink. The guy turns and says to her: "Have you ever had a BUDGIE sit on your right shoulder?"
Blonde says: "NO!"
Guy says: "Have you ever had a PARROT sit on your left shoulder?"
Blonde says: "NO!"
Guy then says: "Aah, but I bet you've had a COCKATOO in your mouth!"
Your Niece who?
Your Niece who can't reach the doorbell!
What's the difference between a bad golfer and a bad skydiver?
A: A bad golfer goes *Whack!* "Darn!", but a bad skydiver goes "Darn!" WHACK!
A man dies and goes to Heaven. He gets to meet GOD and asks GOD if he can ask him a few questions.
"Sure," GOD says, "Go right ahead".
"OK," the man says. "Why did you make women so pretty?"
GOD says, "So you would like them."
"OK," the guy says. "But how come you made them so beautiful?"
"So you would LOVE them", GOD replies.
The man ponders a moment and then asks, "But why did you make them such airheads?"
GOD says, "So they would love you!"
Three people die, a doctor, a school teacher and the head of a large HMO, and are met at the pearly gates by St. Peter, who he asks the doctor,"What did you do on Earth?"
The doctor replied, "I healed the sick and if they could not pay I would do it for free."
St. Peter told the doctor,"You may go in."
St. Peter then asked the teacher what she did and she replied, "I taught educationally challenged children."
St. Peter then told her, "You may go in."
St. Peter asked the third man, "What did you do?"
The man hung his head and replied, "I ran a large HMO."
To which St. Peter replied, "You may go in, but you can only stay 3 days."
CAR BUMPER STICKERS YOU MAY NOT HAVE SEEN:
"I love cats...they taste just like chicken"
"Laugh alone and the world thinks you're an idiot."
"Jack Kevorkian for Congressional Physician"
"I want to die in my sleep like my grandfather.... Not screaming and yelling like the passengers in his car...."
"Your kid may be an honor student but you're still an IDIOT!"
"I souport publik edekasion"
"We are Microsoft. Resistance Is Futile. You Will Be Assimilated."
"Ever stop to think, and forget to start again?"
"Auntie Em: Hate you, Hate Kansas, Taking the dog. -Dorothy."
A circus owner walked into a bar to see everyone crowded about a table watching a little show. On the table was an upside down pot and a duck tap dancing on it. The circus owner was so impressed that he offered to buy the duck from its owner. After some wheeling and dealing, they settled for $10,000 for the duck and the pot.
Three days later the circus owner runs back to the bar in anger, "Your duck is a ripoff! I put him on the pot before a whole audience, and he didn't dance a single step!"
"So?" asked the ducks former owner, "did you remember to light the candle under the pot?"
One day, Bill and Tom went to a restaurant for dinner. As soon as the waiter took out two steaks, Bill quickly picked out the bigger steak for himself.
Tom wasn't happy about that: "When are you going to learn to be polite?"
Bill: "If you had the chance to pick first, which one would you pick?"
Tom: "The smaller piece, of course."
Bill: "What are you whining about then? The smaller piece is what you got, right?"