Monday, September 23, 2013

Too Bad It's Monday Laughs

A man walks into the lingerie department of Macy's and tells the sales lady, 'I would like a Southern Baptist bra for my wife, size - 34B.'

With a quizzical look the sales lady asks, 'What kind of bra?'

He repeats, 'A Southern Baptist bra. My wife said to tell you that she wanted a Southern Baptist bra, and that you would know what she wanted.'

'Oh, yes, now I understand,' says the sales lady. 'We don't get as many requests for them as we used to. Most of our customers lately want the Catholic bra, the Salvation Army bra, or the Presbyterian bra.'

Confused, and a little flustered, the man asks, 'So, what are the differences?'

The sales lady responds. 'It's really quite simple. The Catholic bra supports the masses, the Salvation Army bra lifts up the fallen, and the Presbyterian bra keeps them staunch and upright.'

He muses on that information for a minute and says, 'Hmm. I know I'll regret asking, but what does the Southern Baptist bra do?'

'Ah,' she replied, 'the Southern Baptist bra makes mountains out of molehills!!!

Associated Press - September 22, 2012 8:18 am EST

The Energizer Bunny, known best for, "going and going and going..." passed away last evening at 12:39am. Upon completion of the autopsy early this morning, the chief medical examiner ruled that the death was caused by acute cardiac arrest, induced by sexual over-stimulation. Apparently, someone put the battery in backwards and the bunny kept coming and coming and coming,... Foul play has not been ruled out. 

A blonde pushes her BMW into a gas station. She tells the mechanic it died. After he works on it for a few minutes, it is idling smoothly. 

She says, "What's the story?" 

He replies, "Just crap in the carburetor." 

She asks, "How often do I have to do that?" 

Two doctors were in a hospital hallway complaining about Nurse Jenny. "She's incredibly dumb. She does everything absolutely backwards." said one doctor. "Just last week, I told her to give a patient 2 milligrams of Percocet every 10 hours. She gave him 10 milligrams every 2 hours. He nearly died on us!" 

The second doctor said, "That's nothing. Earlier this week, I told her to give a patient an enema every 24 hours. She tried to give him 24 enemas in one hour! The guy nearly exploded!" 

Suddenly, they hear this blood-curdling scream from down the hall. "Oh my God!" said the first doctor, "I just realized I told Nurse Jenny to prick Mr. Smith's boil!"

A young man and his date were parked on a back road some distance from town. They were about to have sex when the girl stopped. 

"I really should have mentioned this earlier, but I'm actually a hooker and I charge $20 for sex." The man reluctantly paid her, and they did their thing. 

After a cigarette, the man just sat in the driver's seat looking out the window. "Why aren't we going anywhere?" asked the girl. 

"Well, I should have mentioned this before, but I'm actually a taxi driver, and the fare back to town is $25..."

A police officer pulls a man over for speeding. As the officer approaches the car he can see that the man is very anxious about something.

"Good afternoon Sir. Do you know why I stopped you?"

"Yes, officer... I know I was speeding -- but it is a matter of life or death."

"Oh, really? How's that?"

"There's a naked woman waiting for me at home."

"I don't see how that is a matter of life or death."

"If I don't get home before my wife does, I'm a dead man."

An old Indian was asked the name of his wife. He replied, "Wife Name - Three Horse."

"That's an unusual name for your wife, Three Horse. What does it mean?"

"It's an old Indian name. Means Nag, Nag, Nag."

A cowboy walked into a barber shop, sat on the barber's chair and said, "I'll have a shave and a shoe shine." 

The barber began to lather his face and sharpen the old straight edge while a beautiful young woman knelt down and began to shine his shoes. 

The cowboy said, "Young lady, you and I should go and spend some time in a hotel room."

She replied, "I'm married and my husband wouldn't like that."

The cowboy said, "Tell him you're working overtime and I'll pay you the difference." 

She said, "You tell him. He is the one shaving you."

"Hello, is this the FBI?"

"Yes. What do you want?"

"I'm calling to report about my neighbor Billy Bob Smith! He is hiding marijuana inside his firewood." 

"Thank you very much for the call, sir." 

The next day, the FBI agents descend on Billy Bob's house. They search the shed where the firewood is kept. Using axes, they bust open every piece of wood, but find no marijuana. They swore at Billy Bob and left... 

The phone rings at Billy Bob's house:
"Hey, Billy Bob! Did the FBI come?"
"Did they chop your firewood?"
"Happy Birthday, Buddy"


  1. Thank you for all of my morning laughter!

  2. I adore your Monday jokes, even though I must wait until evening to see them.

    1. Thank you, Fiona. I suppose a joke is a joke is a joke no matter when one reads it. (Unless, of course, the joke is 200 years old and one doesn't understand it).

  3. Replies
    1. Thank you, Ms. Welshcakes! What did Mr. Simi think of it? Alex does not think it funny at all. Of course, Alex doesn't have any testicles.