Morris Schwartz is dying and is on his deathbed. He is with his nurse, his wife, his daughter and 2 sons, and knows the end is near. So he says to them:
"Bernie, I want you to take the Beverly Hills houses."
"Sybil, take the apartments over in Los Angeles Plaza."
"Hymie, I want you to take the offices over in City Center."
"Sarah, my dear wife, please take all the residential buildings downtown"
The nurse is just blown away by all this, and as Morris slips away, she says to the wife, "Mrs. Schwartz, your husband must have been such a hard working man to have accumulated so much property."
Sarah replies, "Property shmoperty...! The schmuck had a newspaper route!"
Rules of Life
- I can only please one person each day. Today is not your day. Tomorrow is not looking good either.
- Tell me what you need, and I'll tell you how to get along without it.
- Accept that some days you are the pigeon and some days the statue.
- You can go anywhere you want if you look serious, wear a white coat and carry a clipboard.
- I love deadlines. I especially like the whooshing sound they make as they go flying by.
- Last night I lay in bed looking up at the stars in the sky, and I thought to myself, where the heck is the ceiling?
- I don't have an attitude problem, you have a perception problem.
- My reality check bounced.
- On the keyboard of life, always keep one finger on the escape key.
- I don't suffer from stress. I am a carrier.
- Needing someone is like needing a parachute. If they aren't there the first time, chances are you won't be needing them again.
- Never argue with an idiot. They drag you down to their level, then beat you with experience.
Five Blondes walk into a bar a sit down at a table. After a few minutes they stand up and give each other high fives,and shout "50 days!"
The bar tender wonders what was that all about. He goes over to the table and says, "What are you celebrating?"
One of the blonds says, "We bought a jigsaw puzzle and on the box it said '2 to 4 years' and we did it in 50 days."
Two men went hunting. One had been an avid hunter, hunting all his life; the other man was a city boy, hunting for the first time. The avid hunter told city boy to sit down and not make a sound. So he did.
But when the first man got 100 yards away, he heard a scream.
"I thought I told you to be quiet!" he said.
"I was when the snake bit me," the man said. "And I was when the bear attacked me. But when the two chipmunks crawled up my pant leg and said, 'Should we eat or take them with us,' I screamed."
An old couple were listening to a radio station on a Sunday morning when a preacher came on and said that he could heal anyone. He said, "If you wanted to be healed put one hand on the radio and the other hand on the part that you want healed."
So the old lady puts her left hand on the radio and puts her right hand over her heart and starts singing.
The old man, who has been drinking, says "Shit! Why not?" So he puts his left hand on the radio then puts his right hand down his pants.
His wife looks at him and says "Herman the man said that he could heal, not raise the dead."