Monday, November 11, 2013

T.B.I.M. on Veterans Day

Before the jokes, let us celebrate and remember veterans of all wars, of all nations.

At the eleventh hour, on the eleventh day of November, in 1918, Allied nations and Germany signed an armistice ending the hostilities of World War I. Exactly one year later, then-President Woodrow Wilson proclaimed the day Armistice Day. A History of Veterans Day

The following video, although Canadian in origin, I have posted on Nick's Bytes every year since I first became aware of it. The message is better than anything that I could ever write.

Terry Kelly: A Pittance of Times

And now, a song from the United States:

Bagpipes Crying

And now the jokes!

Fred was saying his prayers as his father passed by his bedroom door. "God bless Mommy, and God bless Daddy, and please make Hamburg the capital of Germany." 

"Fred," said his father, "Why do you want Hamburg to be the capital of Germany?" 

"Because that's what I wrote in my geography test!"

When NASA first started sending up astronauts, they quickly discovered that ballpoint pens would not work in zero gravity. To combat the problem, NASA scientists spent a decade and $12 billion to develop a pen that writes in zero gravity, upside down, underwater, on almost any surface including glass and at temperatures ranging from below freezing to 300 C.

The Russians used a pencil.

One day the librarian was lonely for someone to help. Then two chickens came through the door screeching, "bouk bouk." The librarian quickly got up and gave them each 5 books. The two chickens left, satisfied. 

A few minutes later the same two chickens come through the door with no books, screeching, "bouk bouk." The librarian once again jumps up and gives each chicken 15 books this time. The chickens leave satisfied once again. 

Then for the third time the chickens return screeching. "bouk bouk" By now the suspicions the librarian are aroused, so she gives each chicken only one book, As the chickens leave the building, the librarian slowly follows to see where all the books are going. 

The chickens come to a stop outside of the library and begin throwing the books into a pond, where some frogs grab the books and throw them back croaking, "red-it red-it" 

An old joke, but anyway...

One day God came to Adam for a brief discussion. "I've got some good news and some bad news." God said. 

Adam looked thoughtfully at his maker and replied, "Please give me the good news first." 

Smiling, God explained, "I've created two new organs for you. One is called a brain. This organ will allow you to be very intelligent, create new things, and carry on productive conversations with Eve. The other organ is called a penis. It will allow you to reproduce your intelligent life form and begin populating the planet. Eve will be very pleased that you are now equipped with this organ as she will be able to conceive children." 

Adam, very excited, exclaimed, "These are great and wonderful gifts you have given me. What could possibly be bad news after such great tidings?" 

God then looked upon Adam, and said with great sorrow, "The bad news is I only gave you enough blood to operate only one of these organs at a time." 

One day a woman was driving on the Highway. She checked her speed gauge frequently to make sure she stayed within the speed limit. However, at one point she looked into her rear mirror, and much to her dismay, she saw a police car not far behind! And, to make matters worse, the police car turned on his flashing lights. She thought to herself, "Uh-oh, what have I done now? I'm not speeding. I'm not drinking. I have my seat belt on! I have kept up my license dues and everything!"

So, she pulled over and the police car pulled over to the side right behind her car. She slowly rolled down the window, and prepared for a ticket when she knew she didn't deserve it. 

A policeman walked up to her window, and spoke to her. The lady pointed to her ear and shook her head, meaning she was deaf. 

The policeman smiled slightly, and knowing sign language, signed, "I know. I'm here to tell you that your horn is stuck."

The Procrastinator's creed

1. I believe that if anything is worth doing, it would have been done already.

2. I shall never move quickly, except to avoid more work or find excuses.

3. I will never rush into a job without a lifetime of consideration.

4. I shall meet all of my deadlines directly in proportion to the amount of bodily injury I could expect to receive from missing them.

5. I firmly believe that tomorrow holds the possibility for new technologies, astounding discoveries, and a reprieve from my obligations.

6. I truly believe that all deadlines are unreasonable regardless of the amount of time given.

7. I shall never forget that the probability of a miracle, though infinitesmally small, is not exactly zero.

8. If at first I don't succeed, there is always next year.

9. I shall always decide not to decide, unless of course I decide to change my mind.

10. I shall always begin, start, initiate, take the first step, and/or write the first word, when I get around to it.

11. I obey the law of inverse excuses which demands that the greater the task to be done, the more insignificant the work that must be done prior to beginning the greater task.

12. I know that the work cycle is not plan-start-finish, but is wait-plan-plan.

13. I will never put off until tomorrow, what I can forget about forever.

14. I will become a member of the ancient Order of Two-Headed Turtles (the Procrastinator's Society) if they ever get it organized.

A blonde goes to the local restaurant, buys a small drink for herself, and sits down to drink it. She notices a peel-off prize sticker on the side of her cup while she is drinking. After pulling off the tab, she begins screaming, "I won a motor home! I won a motor home!"

The waitress runs over and argues, "That's impossible. The biggest prize given away was a stero system!"

The blonde replies, "No. I won a motor home!"

By this time, the manager makes his way over to the table, and he too argues, "You couldn't possibly have won a motor home because we didn't have that as one of our prizes."

Again the blonde says, "There is no mistake! I won a motor home!" 

The blonde hands the prize ticket to the manager and he reads, "WIN A BAGEL." 


I'm hungry. 

I'm sleepy. 

I'm tired. 

Get out of the way and stay away until it clears. 

I don't see why you're making such a big deal out of this. 

What meaningless self-inflicted psychological trauma are you going through now? 

I liked it better before. 

$50 and it doesn't look that much different! 

For $50 they should have GIVEN YOU hair! 

I'm trying to impress you by showing you that I am a deep person, and maybe then you'd like to have sex with me. 

I want to make it illegal for you to have sex with other guys. 

I might as well get tax benefits for going through these talks. 


This print hangs on my wall above my desk 
where I can see it many times a day.

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