Welcome to Sometimes Saintly Nick's
Too Bad It's Monday
Jack and Jill Went up the hill
And planned to do some kissing.
Jack made a pass
And grabbed her arse
Now his two front teeth are missing.
Two extremely plastered 40 year old Virgins walked into a whore house. They really wanted to get some booty and asked the madam for two hookers.
The madam of the house asked them to take a seat and have a drink while she arranged their requests. She thought to herself that these men were so waisted that it didn’t matter what type of women they used. So she collected two inflateable dolls and put one in each of the two rooms. The two men were then immidiately escorted to their rooms for the night.
The next day while they were leaving one man says to the other "last night was the worst time ever! I just layed there all night waiting for the girl to make her move and she never did!"
The other man said to his friend"that’s nothing, my woman was a witch! I leaned over to give her a love bite on her neck and she farted then flew out the window!"
Danger! Moans Below:
- Q: Why was the cat so small? A: Because it only ate condensed milk!
- Q: Why did the cat cross the road? A: It was the chicken's day off!
- Q. How do you know when your cat’s done cleaning herself? A. She’s smoking a cigarette.
- Q: What do you call a pile of kittens A: a meowntain
- Q: Did you hear about the cat who swallowed a ball of yarn? A: She had a litter of mittens.
- Q: Why did the cat put the letter "M" into the fridge? A: Because it turns "ice" into "mice"!
- Q: What do you get if you cross a chick with an alley cat? A: A peeping tom.
- Q: What is a French cat's favorite pudding? A: Chocolate mousse!
- Q: What looks like half a cat? A: The other half!
- Q: What's worse than raining cats and dogs? A: Hailing taxi cabs!
- Q: When the cat's away.....? A: The house smells better!
A husband and wife attend a small service at the local church one Sunday morning. The man was so moved by the preacher's sermon that after the service, when he stopped to shake the preacher's hand, he said: "Reverend, that was the best damned sermon I ever did hear!"
The Reverend replied, "Oh! Why, thank you sir, but please, I'd appreciate it if you didn't use profanity in the Lord's house."
"I'm sorry Reverend, but I can't help myself... it was such a damned good sermon!"
The Reverend replied, "Sir, please, I cannot have you behaving this way in Church!"
"Okay Reverend, but I just wanted you to know that I thought it was so damn good, that I put $5,000 in the collection plate."
The Reverend's eyes opened wide as he remarked, "No Shit!"
Two blondes decided to split a can of Diet Coke. One blonde opened the can, and poured half the contents into her own glass, and half into her friend's glass.
Before tossing the can, she stopped to read the nutritional information on the side. "'Only one calorie per can'," she read aloud.
"Hmm," murmured the other blonde. "I wonder which glass has the calorie?
A woman is in bed with her lover who also happens to be her husband's best friend. They had sex for hours, and afterwards, while they're just laying there, the phone rings.
Since it is the woman's house, she picks up the receiver. Her lover looks over at her and listens, only hearing her side of the conversation... She is speaking in a cheery voice) "Hello? Oh, hi. I'm so glad that you called. Really? That's wonderful. I am so happy for you. That sounds terrific. Great! Thanks. Okay. Bye."
She hangs up the telephone and her lover asks, "Who was that?"
"Oh" she replies, "that was my husband telling me all about the wonderful time he's having on his fishing trip with you."
A doctor, an architect, and an attorney were dining at the country club one day, and the conversation turned to the subject of their respective dogs, which were apparently quite extraordinary. A wager was placed on who had the most intelligent dog.
The physician offered to show his dog first, and called to the parking lot, "Hippocrates, come!" Hippocrates ran in, and was told by the doctor to do his stuff. Hippocrates ran to the golf course and dug for a while, producing a number of bones. He dragged the bones into the country club, and assembled them into a complete, fully articulated human skeleton. The physician patted Hippocrates on the head, and gave him a cookie for his efforts.
The architect was only marginally impressed, and called for his dog, "Sliderule, come!" Sliderule ran in, and was told to do his stuff. The dog immediately chewed the skeleton to rubble, but reassembled the fragments into a scale model of the Taj Mahal. The architect patted his dog and gave him a cookie.
The attorney watched the other two dogs, and called "Bullshit, come!" Bullshit entered and was told to do his stuff. Bullshit immediately screwed the other two dogs, stole their cookies, auctioned the Taj Mahal replica to the other club members for a fee, and then left to play golf.