Too Bad It's Monday Jokes, Humor and KATZ

On New Year's Eve, Marilyn stood up in the local pub and said that it was time to get ready. At the stroke of midnight, she wanted every husband to be standing next to the one person who made his life worth living. Well, it was kind of embarrassing. As the clock struck, the bartender was almost crushed to death. 

New Years Resolutions You Have No Chance of Keeping 

• When I hear a funny joke I will not reply, "LOL, LMAO, or ROTFLMAO!" 
• Start using Facebook for something other than Farmville and stupid quizzes 
• I will try to figure out why I "really" need 5 facebook accounts. 
• I resolve to work with neglected children... my own. 
• Lose 20 pounds by going to the gym! 
• I will stop using, "So, what's your URL?" as a pickup line. 
• I will spend less than five hour a day on the Internet. 
• I will read the manual... just as soon as I can find it. 
• Spend less than $1000 for coffee at Starbucks this year. 
• Lose weight by inventing an anti-gravity machine 
• Stop repeating myself again, and again, and again. 
• I will stop tagging pictures of myself in pictures even when I’m not in them 
• I will think of a password other than "password"

Last Christmas, Grandpa was feeling his age, and found that shopping for Christmas gifts had become too difficult. So he decided to send checks to everyone instead.

In each card he wrote, "Buy your own present!" and mailed them early.

He enjoyed the usual flurry of family festivities, and it was only after the holiday that he noticed that he had received very few cards in return. Puzzled over this, he went into his study, intending to write a couple of his relatives and ask what had happened. It was then, as he cleared off his cluttered desk that he got his answer. Under a stack of papers, he was horrified to find the gift checks which he had forgotten to enclose with the cards. 

An elderly gentleman had serious hearing problems for a number of years.

He went to the doctor and the doctor was able to have him fitted for a set of hearing aids that allowed the gentleman to hear 100%.

The elderly gentleman went back in a month to the doctor and the doctor said, "Your hearing is perfect. Your family must be really pleased that you can hear again."

To which the gentleman said, "Oh, I haven't told my family yet. I just sit around and listen to the conversations. I've changed my will three times!"

A DEA (Drug Enforcement Administration) Agent stopped at a ranch in Texas and talked to an old rancher. He told the rancher, "I need to inspect your ranch for illegally grown drugs."

The rancher said, "OK, but don't go into that field over there...", as he pointed out the location.

The DEA Agent verbally exploded and said, "Look mister, I have the authority of the federal government with me!" Reaching into his rear back pocket, the arrogant officer removed his badge and proudly displayed it to the rancher. "See this badge?! This badge means I can go wherever I want... On any land! No questions asked, no answers given! Do you understand old man?!"

The rancher kindly nodded, apologized, and went about his chores. Moments later the rancher heard loud screams, he looked up and saw the DEA agent running for his life, being chased by the ranchers big Santa Gertrudis Bull. With every step the bull was gaining ground on the officer, and it was likely that he'd sure enough get gored before he reached safety. The officer was clearly terrified.

The old rancher threw down his tools, ran as fast as he could to the fence, and yelled at the top of his lungs:

"YOUR BADGE! SHOW HIM YOUR BADGE!"

Resolutions for (Most) Cats

5. I will not demand to get out the minute after I come in and visa versa. 

4. I will not scratch wallpaper, curtains, furniture, clothing or my scratch pad.

3. I will not annoy the dog next door (unless I’m in a bad mood)

2. I will come when my human calls me (occasionally)

and the Number One New Year Resolution for all cats is...

1. I will not sleep more than 23 hours per day. 

Old man Joe limped into the doctor's office and said, "Doctor, my knee hurts so bad, I can hardly walk!"

The doctor slowly eyed him from head to toe, paused and then said, "Mr. Joe, just how old are you?"

"Ninety-Eight!" Joe announced proudly.

The doctor just sighed, and looked at him again. Finally he said, "Sir, I'm sorry. I mean, just look at you. You're practically one hundred years old, and you're complaining that your knee hurts? Well, what did you expect?"

The old Joe said, "Well, my other knee is 98 years old too, and it don't hurt!"

An old man on a crowded bus has trouble finding a seat. The bus careened down the avenue, shaking the passengers from left to right, and the old man, unable to support himself properly with his cane, fell to the floor.

Little Johnny, sitting nearby, looked down at him and said, "If you put a little rubber cap on the end of your cane, you wouldn't fall like that.

The old man looked up and replied, "If your daddy had done the same, I would have a place to sit on this stupid bus."

KATZ

 

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