T.B.I.M. Humor on Wednesday

Sometimes Saintly Nick was too ill to create Too Bad It's Monday post on Monday. Now that he is feeling a bit better, he is publishing it on Wednesday. 

Enjoy!

It Has Been So Cold That...

• We had to stop eating with metal cutlery. Some people walked around for days with spoons or forks stuck to their tongues!
•  Hitchhikers were holding up pictures of thumbs! 
• Roosters were rushing into Kentucky Fried Chicken and begging to use the pressure cooker! 
• When I dialed 911, a recorded message said to phone back in the spring! 
• The optician was giving away free ice scrapers with every new pair of eyeglasses! 
• Kids were using a new excuse to stay up late: "But Mom, my pyjamas haven't thawed out yet!" 
• Richard Simmons started wearing pants! 
• A streaker froze in mid-streak! The town council just stuck a plaque on him and pretended he was a Greek statue until spring. 
• UN weapons inspectors suddenly decided that chemical weapons might be hidden in Hawaii! 
• Pickpockets were sticking their hands in strangers' pockets just to keep them warm! 
• The squirrels in the park were throwing themselves at an electric fence! 
• I chipped a tooth on my soup! 
• My Dad was wearing golfing gloves on both hands! 
• The dogs were wearing cats! 
• Starbucks was serving coffee on a stick! 
• People with traffic tickets would plead guilty and beg for the electric chair! 
• Terrorists started to stockpile weapons-grade hot chocolate! 
• Levi Strauss started manufacturing electric jeans! 
• The rats were bribing the alley cats for a snuggle.
• We had to chop up the piano for firewood - but we only got two chords. 
• We had to carry around hammers and chisels so we could get out of our parkas! 
• When we milked the cows, we got ice cream! 
• When we milked the brown cows - we got chocolate ice cream! 
• Words froze in the air. If you wanted to hear what someone said, you had to grab a handful of sentences and take them in by the fire! 
• The dogs had to put jumper cables on the rabbits - just to get them running! 
• Playboy magazine stopped publishing because no women would take their clothes off. 
• We pulled everything out of the freezer and huddled inside it to warm up! 
• The Husky Association was making emergency service calls to get the dog teams started! 
• When we parked the sled, we either had to plug in the dogs - or keep them running in place! 

A young man walks into a singles bar with a roll of quarters taped inside the crotch of his jeans. He looks around, then sits next to the most attractive woman there. He was very pleased with himself after he noticed her constantly glancing down at his crotch.

"Hi, there, I'm Jerry," he said, as he went into one of his well rehearsed routines, "and I help produce a T.V. quiz show. Is there any question I can answer for you?" 

"As a matter of fact there is," she said as she glanced down once more toward his embellished jeans. "Do you have change for a dollar?" 

A man goes into a bar and seats himself on a stool. The bartender looks at him and says, "What'll it be buddy?" 

The man says, "Set me up with seven whiskey shots and make them doubles." 

The bartender does this and watches the man slug one down, then the next, then the next, and so on until all seven are gone almost as quickly as they were served. Staring in disbelief, the bartender asks why he's doing all this drinking. 

"You'd drink them this fast too if you had what I have." 

The bartender hastily asks, "What do you have pal?" 

The man quickly replies, "I only have a dollar." 

A dying grandma tells her grandchild, "I want to leave you my farm. That includes the barn, livestock, the harvest, the tractor, and other equipment, the farmhouse and $24,548,750.45 in cash." 

The grandchild, absolutely floored and about to become rich says, "Oh grandma, you are SO generous! I didn't even know you had a farm. Where is it?" 

With her last breath, Grandma whispered, "Facebook..." 

Two lawyers are in a bank, when, suddenly, armed robbers burst in. While several of the robbers take the money from the tellers, others line the customers, including the lawyers, up against a wall, and proceed to take their wallets, watches, etc. While this is going on lawyer number one jams something in lawyer number two's hand.

Without looking down, lawyer number two whispers, "What is this?" to which lawyer number one replies, "It's that $50 I owe you."

Australia: A Different View 

2 fools stand on a cliff with their arms outstretched. One has some budgies lined up on each arm, the other has parrots lined up on his arms. After a couple of minutes, they both leap off the cliff and fall to the ground.

Laying next to each other in intensive care at the hospital, one moron says to the other, "I don't think much of this budgie jumping."

The other moron replies, "Yeah, I'm not too keen on this paragliding either.

An old preacher was dying. He sent a message for his banker and his lawyer, both church members, to come to his home.

When they arrived, they were ushered up to his bedroom. As they entered the room, the preacher held out his hands and motioned for them to sit on each side of the bed. The preacher grasped their hands, sighed contentedly, smiled, and stared at the ceiling. For a time, no one said anything.

Both the banker and lawyer were touched and flattered that the preacher would ask them to be with him during his final moments. They were also puzzled; the preacher had never given them any indication that he particularly liked either of them. They both remembered his many long, uncomfortable sermons about greed, covetousness, and avaricious behaviour that made them squirm in their seats.

Finally, the banker said, "Preacher, why did you ask us to come?"

The old preacher mustered up his strength and then said weakly, "Jesus died between two thieves, and that's how I want to go, too."

KATZ