It is COLD out there
My life with 3 kitty kids:
My husband and I purchased an old home in Northern New York State from two elderly sisters. Winter was fast approaching and I was concerned about the house's lack of insulation. "If they could live here all those years, so can we!" my husband confidently declared.
One November night the temperature plunged to below zero, and we woke up to find interior walls covered with frost. My husband called the sisters to ask how they had kept the house warm. After a rather brief conversation, he hung up. "For the past 30 years," he muttered, "they've gone to Florida for the winter."
Buddy Hackett said:
"The whole thing is if the dog’s in the room with you during sex and you don’t know he’s there. And you’re going pretty good and you hear an extra set of breathing. You’re scared to open your eyes. You think the kids are selling tickets or something."
During late spring one year, a blonde was trying out her new boat. She was unable to have her boat perform, travel through water, or do any maneuvers whatsoever no matter how hard she tried.
After trying for over three days to make it work properly, she decided to seek help. She putted the boat over to the local marina in hopes that someone there could identify her problem.
Workers determined that everything from the engine to the outdrive was working perfectly on the topside of the boat. So, a puzzled marina employee jumped into the water to check underneath the boat for problems. Because he was laughing so hard, he came up choking on water and gasping for air. Under the boat, still strapped in place securely, was the trailer.
A tom cat and a tabby cat were courting on a back fence at night. The tom leaned over to the tabby with pent up passion and purred "I'll die for you!"
The tabby gazed at him from under lowered eye lids and asked... "How many times?"
The Indians asked their Chief in Autumn if the Winter was going to be cold or not. Not really knowing an answer, the chief replies that the Winter was going to be cold and that the members of the village were to collect wood to be prepared. Being a good leader, he then went to the next phone booth and called the National Weather Service and asked, "Is this winter to be cold?"
The man on the phone responded, "This Winter is going to be quite cold indeed."
So the Chief went back to speed up his people to collect even more wood to be prepared. A week later he called the National Weather Service again, "Is it going to be a very cold winter?"
"Yes", the man replied, "it's going to be a very cold Winter."
So the Chief goes back to his people and orders them to go and find every scrap of wood they can find.
Two weeks later he calls the National Weather Service again: "Are you absolutely sure that the Winter is going to be very cold?"
"Absolutely," the man replies, "the Indians are collecting wood like crazy!"
Three feral cats were bragging about their kittens. The first cat said, "My kittens are part Persian. Their father was a pure Persian cat."
The third cat said nothing.
The second cat said, "Well, that is nothing. My kittens are part Siamese. Their father was a pure bred Siamese."
The third cat said still said nothing.
Then the first two cats asked her, "What are your kittens?"
She replied, "Oh, I don't know. I had my head stuck in the tuna can at the time."
In the dim and distant past
When life's tempo wasn't so fast,
Grandma used to rock and knit,
Crochet, tat and baby sit.
When the kids were in a jam,
They could always call on Gram.
But today she's in the gym
Exercising to keep slim.
She's checking the web or surfing the net,
Sending some e-mail or placing a bet.
Nothing seems to stop or block her,
Now that Grandma's off her rocker.
A preacher was completing a temperance sermon: with great expression he said, "If I had all the beer in the world, I'd take it and throw it into the river." With even greater emphasis he said, "And if I had all the wine in the world, I'd take it and throw it into the river."
And then finally, he said, "And if I had all the whiskey in the world, I'd take it and throw it into the river."
He sat down. The song leader then stood very cautiously and announced with a smile, "For our closing song, let us sing Hymn # 365: "Shall We Gather at the River."