During World War II my parents had planned a romantic Valentine’s Day wedding. Suddenly my father, then stationed at Camp Edwards in Massachusetts, received orders to prepare to ship out, and all leaves were canceled. Being a young man in love, he went AWOL.
He and my mother were married four days earlier than originally planned and he returned to base to an angry sergeant.
After hearing the explanation, the sergeant understandingly replied, “Okay, okay!”
Then, as an afterthought: “But don’t let it happen again!”
A couple had been debating the purchase of a new auto for weeks. He wanted a new truck. She wanted a fast little sports-like car so she could zip through traffic around town.
He would probably have settled on any beat up old truck, but everything she seemed to like was way out of their price range.
"Look!" she said. "I want something that goes from 0 to 200 in 4 seconds or less. And my birthday is coming up. You could surprise me."
So, for her birthday, he bought her a brand new bathroom scale.
They say he'll be out of the hospital any day now.
Four nuns were standing in line at the gates of heaven. Peter asks the first if she has ever sinned.
"Well, once I looked at a man's penis," she said.
"Put some of this holy water on your eyes and you may enter heaven," Peter told her.
Peter then asked the second nun if she had ever sinned. "Well, once I held a man's penis," she replied.
"Put your hand in this holy water and you may enter heaven," he said.
Just then the fourth nun pushed ahead of the third nun. Peter asked her, "Why did you push ahead in line?"
The nun replied, "Because I want to gargle before she sits in it!"
The lingerie store where my aunt works was crowded with shoppers selecting Valentine’s Day gifts for their wives. A young businessman came to the register with a lacy black negligee. My aunt noticed that the next customer, an elderly farmer, was holding a long flannel nightgown and kept glancing at the younger man’s sexier choice.
When it was his turn, the farmer placed the nightgown on the counter. “Would you have anything like what that man bought in black flannel?” He asked.
It has been so cold that...
- We had to stop eating with metal cutlery. Some people walked around for days with spoons or forks stuck to their tongues!
- Hitchhikers were holding up pictures of thumbs!
- Roosters were rushing into Kentucky Fried Chicken and begging to use the pressure cooker!
- When I dialed 911, a recorded message said to phone back in the spring!
- The optician was giving away free ice scrapers with every new pair of eyeglasses!
- Kids were using a new excuse to stay up late: "But Mom, my pyjamas haven't thawed out yet!"
- Richard Simmons started wearing pants!
- A streaker froze in mid-streak! The town council just stuck a plaque on him and pretended he was a Greek statue until spring.
- UN weapons inspectors suddenly decided that chemical weapons might be hidden in Hawaii!
- Pickpockets were sticking their hands in strangers' pockets just to keep them warm!
- The squirrels in the park were throwing themselves at an electric fence!
- I chipped a tooth on my soup!
- My Dad was wearing golfing gloves on both hands!
- The dogs were wearing cats!
- Starbucks was serving coffee on a stick!
- People with traffic tickets would plead guilty and beg for the electric chair!
- Terrorists started to stockpile weapons-grade hot chocolate!
- Levi Strauss started manufacturing electric jeans!
- The rats were bribing the alley cats for a snuggle.
- We had to chop up the piano for firewood - but we only got two chords.
- We had to carry around hammers and chisels so we could get out of our parkas!
- When we milked the cows, we got ice cream! When we milked the brown cows - we got chocolate ice cream!
- Words froze in the air. If you wanted to hear what someone said, you had to grab a handful of sentences and take them in by the fire!
- The dogs had to put jumper cables on the rabbits - just to get them running!
- Playboy magazine stopped publishing because no women would take their clothes off.
- We pulled everything out of the freezer and huddled inside it to warm up!
- The Husky Association was making emergency service calls to get the dog teams started! When we parked the sled, we either had to plug in the dogs - or keep them running in place!
Jeff walks into a bar and sees his friend Paul slumped over the bar. He walks over and asks Paul what's wrong.
"Well," replies Paul, "you know that beautiful girl at work that I wanted to ask out, but I got an erection every time I saw her?"
"Yes," replies Jeff with a laugh.
"Well," says Paul, straightening up, "I finally plucked up the courage to ask her out, and she agreed."
"That's great!" says Jeff, "When are you going out?"
"I went to meet her this evening," continues Paul, "but I was worried I'd get an erection again. So I got some duct tape and taped my penis to my leg, so if I did, it wouldn't show."
"Sensible" says Jeff.
"So I get to her door," says Paul, "and I rang her doorbell. She answered it in the sheerest, tiniest dress you ever saw."
"And what happened then?"
(Paul slumps back over the bar again.)
"I kicked her in the face."
BLONDE: "Excuse me, what time is it right now?"
WOMAN: "It's 11:25PM."
BLONDE: (confused look on face) "You know, it's the weirdest thing, I've asked that question thirty times today, and every time someone gives me a different answer.
A cat's dictionary
Purring: Sound of a cat manufacturing cuteness.
Purrverse: Poem about a strange kitty.
Purranoia: The fear that your cat is up to something.
Human being: Automatic door opener for cats.
Purrpetual: Everlasting love for domesticated felines.
Purrson: A male kitty.
Purrpetual motion: A kitty playing.