Monday, February 17, 2014

Too Bad It's Monday Humor + KATZ

"How long have you been driving without a tail light?" asked the policeman after pulling over a motorist. The driver jumped out, ran to the rear of his car and gave a long, painful groan.

He seemed so upset that the cop was moved to ease up on him a bit.

"Come on, now," he said, "you don't have to take it so hard. It isn't that serious."

"It isn't?" cried the motorist. "Then you know what happened to my boat and trailer?"


"Lettin' the cat outta the bag is a whole lot easier 'n puttin' it back in." ~ Will Rogers 

"It could probably be shown by facts and figures that there is no distinctly American criminal class except politicians." ~ Mark Twain

"Every man is wise when attacked by a mad dog; fewer when pursued by a mad woman; only the wisest survive when attacked by a mad notion." ~ Robertson Davies

"A conservative is a man with two perfectly good legs who, however, has never learned to walk forward." ~ Franklin D. Roosevelt

"I have a scheme for stopping war. It's this - no nation is allowed to enter a war till they have paid for the last one." ~ Will Rogers 

"Aristotle maintained that women have fewer teeth than men; although he was twice married, it never occurred to him to verify this statement by examining his wives' mouths." ~ Bertrand Russell

"In those days spirits were brave, the stakes were high, men were real men, women were real women and small furry creatures from Alpha Centauri were real small furry creatures from Alpha Centauri." ~ Douglas Adams

"Oh, I don't blame Congress. If I had $600 billion at my disposal, I'd be irresponsible, too." ~ Lichty and Wagner

"The reason why worry kills more people than work is that more people worry than work." ~ Robert Frost 

"A good rule of thumb is if you've made it to thirty-five and your job still requires you to wear a name tag, you've made a serious vocational error." ~ Dennis Miller

"The difference between fiction and reality? Fiction has to make sense." ~ Tom Clancy 

The after-dinner speaker just didn't have a Stop button. He burbled on and on and on, oblivious to his increasingly restless audience. Finally one of the more drunken diners hurled an empty wine bottle at him. It missed, and hit the Chairman instead.

As the Chairman slid slowly to the floor clutching his head, he was heard to murmur, "Hit me again, I can still hear him."

A blonde, a brunette, and a redhead all work at the same office for a female boss who always goes home early. 

"Hey, girls," says the brunette, "let's go home early tomorrow. She'll never know." 

So the next day, they all leave right after the boss does. The brunette gets some extra gardening done, the redhead goes to a bar, and the blonde goes home to find her husband "playing pattycake" with the female boss. She quietly sneaks out of the house and returns at her normal time. 

"That was fun," says the brunette. "We should do it again sometime." 

"No way," says the blonde. "I almost got caught."

An engineer dies and reports to the pearly gates. St. Peter checks his dossier and says, "Ah, you're an engineer—you're in the wrong place."

So, the engineer reports to the gates of hell and is let in. Pretty soon, the engineer gets dissatisfied with the level of comfort in hell, and starts designing and building improvements. After awhile, they've got air conditioning and flush toilets and escalators, and the engineer is a pretty popular guy.

One day, God calls Satan up on the telephone and says with a sneer, "So, how's it going down there in hell?"

Satan replies, "Hey, things are going great. We've got air conditioning and flush toilets and escalators, and there's no telling what this engineer is going to come up with next."

God replies, "What??? You've got an engineer? That's a mistake -- he should never have gotten down there; send him up here."

Satan says, "No way. I like having an engineer on the staff, and I'm keeping him."

God says, "Send him back up here or I'll sue."

Satan laughs uproariously and answers, "Yeah, right. And just where are YOU going to get a lawyer?"

Q.What is the difference between God and a social worker?
A. God doesn't pretend to be a social worker.

About Men:

  •     "All men are not homeless, but some men are home less than others." ~ Henry Youngman
  •     "To attract men, I wear a perfume called 'New Car Interior'."  ~ Rita Rudner
  •     "This guy says, 'I'm perfect for you, because I'm a cross between a macho and a sensitive man.' I said, 'Oh, a gay trucker?'" ~ Judy Tenuta
  •     "Women speak because they wish to speak, whereas a man speaks only when driven to speech by something outside himself -- like, for instance, he can't find any clean socks." ~ Jean Kerr
  •     "Women now have choices. They can be married, not married, have a job, not have a job, be married with children, unmarried with children. Men have the same choice we've always had: work or prison." ~ Tim Allen
  •     "I love men, even though they're lying, cheating scumbags." ~ Gwyneth Paltrow


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