Too Bad It's Monday (Humor)

"Bless me Father, for I have sinned. I have been with a loose girl." 

The priest asks, "Is that you, little Joey Pagano?"

"Yes, Father, it is."

"And who was the girl you were with?"

"I can't tell you, Father. I don't want to ruin her reputation."

"Well, Joey, I'm sure to find out her name sooner or later so you may as well tell me now. Was it Tina Minetti?"

"I cannot say."

"Was it Teresa Mazzarelli?"

"I'll never tell."

"Was it Nina Capelli?"

"I'm sorry, but I cannot name her."

"Was it Cathy Piriano?"

"My lips are sealed."

"Was it Rosa DiAngelo, then?"

"Please, Father! I cannot tell you."

The priest sighs in frustration. "You're very tight lipped, and I admire that. But you've sinned and have to atone. You cannot be an altar boy now for 4 months. Now you go and behave yourself."

Joey walks back to his pew, and his friend Franco slides over and whispers, "What'd you get?"

"Four months vacation and five good leads..."

An Irish priest is driving down to New York and gets stopped for speeding in Connecticut. The state trooper smells alcohol on the priest's breath and then sees an empty wine bottle on the floor of the car.

He says, "Sir, have you been drinking?" 

"Just water," says the priest. 

The trooper says, "Then why do I smell wine?" 

The priest looks at the bottle and says, "Good Lord! He's done it again!" 

A Jewish couple is about to consummate their marriage. But before they get to business, they both have to use the restroom. The groom goes in and goes pee, and after he is done, he forgets to put the seat down. The bride, not realizing the seat was still up, sits down and gets stuck in the toilet.

She yells for help, and her new husband comes in to see what's the matter. She says, "I'm stuck in the toilet, do something." 

The groom responds, "What am I supposed to do?" to which the bride replied, "For crying out loud, call a plumber, and get that damn Rabbi in here."

So the groom calls the front desk of the hotel and they reach out to a plumber. In the meantime, the Rabbi arrives in the room and speaks to the bride. She tells him, "Quick the plumber is about to get here, and I need to guard my private parts. Hand me your Yarmulke."

The plumber arrives a few minutes later and the groom asks, "Can you save my wife?" 

The plumber says, "Sure, I can definitely save your wife, but the Rabbi is a goner."

A man walks into a bar, followed by an ostrich and a cat. He walks up and stands at the bar, as did the ostrich.The cat jumps up onto a stool. 

The man asks the bartender, "Can I get a pint of Guinness?" 

The ostrich speaks up, says "I'll have one too." 

The cat says. "Me too, but i'm not paying." 

Bartender says. "That'll be $18.90. 

The man reaches into his pocket, passes a handful of notes and coins over. The bartender notices it's the exact change Then he looks at the man's companions and asks, "So what exactly is going on here?"

The man says "Well, I was down on the beach, and I found an old lamp. I picked it up, and a genie appeared and said I could have three wishes. I said, 'I wish that my right pants pocket would always carry exactly how much money I need.'"

The bartender is visibly impressed! "That's pure genius", he remarked, "I know guys would wish for a simple million or a Ferrari or whatever, but you're set for life! What else did you wish for?"

The man shrugs, looks at his 2 companions and replies, "A chick with long legs and a tight pussy."

TV Talk Show Hosts:

There is no point to doing a monologue. Everybody is doing monologues these days. The late-night guys come out and do monologues. That's what they do. We're just like any other show — just a middle-aged white guy in a suit telling jokes from cue cards.~ Craig Ferguson

A new survey found that the average American child watches 24 hours of TV every week. In fact, experts say it's important for parents to lay down the law and tell their kids to get outside and look at their phones. ~ Jimmy Fallon

There's a new app that will help you find the nearest bathroom. It's called the Starbucks app. ~ Conan O'Brien

If Putin invades Ukraine and then passes the written test, he will be promoted to dictator. ~ David Letterman

The Girl Scouts are being criticized for their Barbie participation patch, the first patch with a corporate sponsor. The girls earn the Barbie patch by lying still for days at a time under the couch. ~ Seth Meyers

In case you've been to the checkout line at a grocery store, my family and I tend to appear in a lot of magazines. I know this might be shocking, but all the stories they print are 100% false. Well, 99% are false. One of the tabloids recently said that I am hotter than Kim now. ~ Khloe Kardashian  hosting Chelsea Lately

Dog walking guinea pig

During late spring one year, a blonde was trying out her new boat. She was unable to have her boat perform, travel through water, or do any maneuvers whatsoever no matter how hard she tried.

After trying for over three days to make it work properly, she decided to seek help. She putted the boat over to the local marina in hopes that someone there could identify her problem.

Workers determined that everything from the engine to the outdrive was working perfectly on the topside of the boat. So, a puzzled marina employee jumped into the water to check underneath the boat for problems. Because he was laughing so hard, he came up choking on water and gasping for air. Under the boat, still strapped in place securely, was the trailer.

I have peanuts. Lots of peanuts.

Two Anglican bishops were discussing the decline in morals in the modern world.

"I didn't sleep with my wife before I was married," said one clergyman self-righteously, "Did you?"

"I don't know," said the other. "What was her maiden name?"

KATZ