Q: How many NCAA basketball players does it take to change a light bulb?
A: Only one. But he gets money, a car, and three credit hours for it.
Q: Why did the chicken cross the basketball court?
A: Because it heard the referee was blowing fouls.
Q: Why are basketball players messy eaters?
A: They're always dribbling.
First lady Michelle Obama and her daughters Sasha and Malia are visiting China for the next week and the president said the White House feels very lonely without them. Then he said, looking around, “OK, I think they bought it. Time for some March Madness, baby. Let’s do it!” ~ Jimmy Falon
Sweden and France have developed technology that allows cars to detect the emotions of their drivers. The system uses an infrared camera to determine if you're upset. The car will beep and flash a warning light, telling you to calm down. Nothing soothes an angry driver like a loud beeping sound and warning light. ~ Jimmy Kimmel
Today is the first day of spring. And just in time, because yesterday was the 400th day of winter. ~ Seth Meyers
A husband and wife are trying to set up a new password for their computer. The husband puts, "Mypenis," and the wife falls on the ground laughing because on the screen it says, "Error. Not long enough."
A mother is in the kitchen making dinner for her family when her daughter walks in. “Mother, where do babies come from?”
The mother thinks for a few seconds and says, “Well dear, Mommy and Daddy fall in love and get married. One night they go into their bedroom, they kiss and hug, and have sex.”
The daughter looks puzzled so the mother continues, “That means the daddy puts his penis in the mommy’s vagina. That’s how you get a baby, honey.”
The child seems to comprehend. “Oh, I see, but the other night when I came into your room you had daddy’s penis in your mouth. What do you get when you do that?”
“Jewelry, my dear. Jewelry.”
A blonde, a redhead, and a brunette were all lost in the desert. They found a lamp and rubbed it. A genie popped out and granted them each one wish.
The redhead wished to be back home. Poof! She was back home.
The brunette wished to be at home with her family. Poof! She was back home with her family.
The blonde said, "Awwww, I wish my friends were here."
Q: Why didn't the man report his stolen credit card?
A: The thief was spending less then his wife.
An elderly woman went to her local doctor's office and asked to speak with her doctor. When the receptionist asked why she was there, she replied, "I'd like to have some birth control pills."
Taken back, the doctor thought for a minute and then said, "Excuse me, Mrs. Glenwood, but you're 80 years old. What would you possibly need birth control pills for?"
The woman replied, "They help me sleep better."
The doctor considered this for a second, and continued, "How in the world do birth control pills help you sleep?"
The woman said, "I put them in my granddaughter's orange juice, and I sleep better at night."
There was a papa mole, a momma mole, and a baby mole. They lived in a hole out in the country near a farmhouse. Papa mole poked his head out of the hole and said, "Mmmm, I smell sausage!"
Momma mole poked her head outside the hole and said, "Mmmm, I smell pancakes!"
Baby mole tried to stick his head outside but couldn't because of the two bigger moles. Baby mole said, "The only thing I smell is molasses."