Monday, April 21, 2014

Too Bad It's Monday Humor + KATZ

A Few Easter Tweets
[collected by Rob Fee]

Christians are much better at marketing. For Easter, they have a bunny. Jews, for Passover, have crackers and the tears of their ancestors.

I'm already tailgating outside the local church for Easter.

Oh good YouPorn put up all their Easter themed porn.

Sorry, honey, only your brother gets to participate in the Easter Egg Hunt this year. I dyed all the eggs using Just For Men.

My fav Easter egg hunt was when dad was on house arrest and we cleaned the beer bottles off the lawn before his probation officer showed up

Girl, are you a chocolate Easter bunny?  Cause I want to eat that butt.  (Is this how dating works?)

I want to dye some Easter eggs but I don't have any eggs, dye, paint, stickers, glitter, stamps, religion, stencils, etc.

Easter always makes me think about how old and lonely my own eggs are : (

Want to disappoint your kids? Tell them there's a place called Christmas Island and Easter Island, & then take them there.

There's no such thing as a non-terrifying Easter bunny costume.

Don't just throw out that fake plastic grass from your Easter basket. Feed it to some fake plastic horses.

Do you think fertility clinic employees were making some fun Easter egg jokes today? I bet they were.

can't believe Jesus was born on Christmas and died on Easter, what are the odds? still, he accomplished a lot for a four month year old.

Finding residual BBQ Popchips in my chest hair is my Easter Egg hunt

so far no one has commented on the fact that my Easter bonnet is just an orange traffic cone

A religious school teacher was teaching a lesson one morning and asked his students where Jesus was. "Yes Susie" he said as he called on Susie whose hand was raised. 

"He's in heaven!" She shouted with pride. 

He called on Steven who said "He was in his heart" 

The only boy left with his hand raised with had the most unusual answer "He's in my bathroom!" 

Everyone had a puzzled look on his/her face. 

"Yeah!" Said the boy.. "My father bangs on the door every morning saying 'Jesus Christ, ya still in there?" 

"What's the difference between the American hedgehog and the African hedgehog," the society matron asked the zookeeper. 

"The principal difference is the American species has a longer prick." 

This, as you might assume, distressed the matron who stormed immediately to the zoo manager's office. 

The zoo manager said, "Ma'am, I apologize for my staff's unfortunate choice of terms. What the keeper should have said is the United States species has a longer 'quill'. In fact, their pricks are just about the same size." 

A blonde was speeding in a 25 mile per hour residential zone when a local police cruiser pulled her over. The female police officer who walked up to the car also happened to be a blonde. She asked for the blonde's driver's license. The driver searched frantically in her purse for a while and finally said to the blonde policewoman, "What does a driver's license look like?' 

Irritated, the blonde cop said, "Don't be a smartass!, it's got your picture on it!"

The blonde driver frantically searched her purse again and found a small, rectangular mirror down at the bottom. She held it up to her face and said, "Aha! This must be my driver's license", then handed it to the blonde policewoman. 

The blonde cop looked in the mirror, handed it back to the driver and said, "You're free to go. And, if I had known you were a police officer too, we could have avoided all of this." 

Late Night Tax Comments

"Yesterday the IRS announced that obese Americans are entitled to certain tax breaks. Apparently, under the new rules, you're allowed to claim two or more chins as dependents." —Conan O'Brien 

"I hate to be the one to remind you, but just pretty soon it is going to be April 15th, it is going to be tax time. You know what I am saying? Are you ready? Well you know when something like this happens New Yorkers always try to put the best face they can on a situation. For example the hookers in Times Square, for an extra $50 they will handle your extension." —David Letterman 

"Today the IRS gave some guidelines on how to avoid getting audited. Number one, don't list deductions that will raise a red flag. Number two, make sure you file on time. Number three, don't make any stupid anti-war speech at the Academy Awards." —Jay Leno 

An 80-year-old man is having his annual check-up. The doctor asks him how he's feeling. "I've never been better!" he replies. "I've got an 18-year-old bride who's pregnant and having my child! What do you think about that?" 

The doctor considers this for a moment, then says, "Well, let me tell you a story. I know a guy who's an avid hunter. He never misses a season. But one day he's in a bit of a hurry and he accidentally grabs his umbrella instead of his gun. 

"So, he's in the woods, and suddenly a grizzly bear appears in front of him! He raises up his umbrella, points it at the bear, and squeezes the handle. The bear drops dead in front of him." 

"That's impossible! Someone else must have shot that bear." 


It's career day in elementary school where each student talks about what their dad does. Little Johnny is last, and finally the teacher calls on him to talk about his dad. 

Johnny comes to the front of the class. 'My daddy is a dancer at a gay bar. He takes off his clothes for other men, and if they pay him enough money, he goes into the alley and performs sex acts on them.' 

The teacher is shocked, and she calls for an early recess for the rest of the class. She sits down with Johnny and asks him if this is really true about his dad. 

Johnny says; 'No, but I was too embarrassed to say he played for the New York Mets.' 

A man goes to the Doctor with a piece of lettuce hanging out of his ear. 

"That looks nasty," says the doctor. 

"Nasty?" replies the man, "this is just the tip of the iceberg!" 


Want more KATZ
Check out yesterday's Nick's Bytes:EASTER JOY featuring KATZ

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