Noticing a mistake in St. Peter's roster, God calls Satan; "It seems you accidentally received some of my professionals down there: a teacher, a doctor and a farmer."
"Yeah," Satan replies. "All the more for me!"
God replies, "You better send them up here immediately."
Satan says, "No way. I'm keeping them."
God says, "Send them up here, or I'll sue the horns right off you."
Satan laughs uproariously, "Yeah, right. And just where are YOU going to get a lawyer?"
A child asked his father, "How were people born?"
His father said, "Adam and Eve made babies, then their babies became adults and made babies, and so on."
The child then went to his mother, asked her the same question and she told him, "We were monkeys then we evolved to become like we are now."
The child ran back to his father and said, "You lied to me!"
His father replied, "No, your mom was talking about her side of the family."
Maria went home happy, telling her mother about how she earned a dollar from the neighbor boys just by climbing a tree.
Her mom responded, "Maria, they just wanted to see your panties!"
Maria replied, "But Mom, I was smart: I took them off first!"
Late Night Funnies
A cat in Bakersfield saved a boy from a mean dog. It is all over the Internet. Now the cat is a celebrity. Rumors say it’s in talks to be my replacement. That video is amazing. It shows a cat actually caring about a human. That is like a Kardashian caring about privacy. It's like Vladimir Putin caring about the sovereignty of Ukraine. It's like Oprah caring about clipping coupons. It's like the Lakers caring about winning. It is like the "Duck Dynasty" guys caring about Broadway musicals. ~ Craig Ferguson
That hotel in New York fired the employee who leaked the security camera footage of the fight between Solange Knowles and Jay-Z. But don't feel bad for that person. He's rumored to have been paid $250,000 by TMZ. Let that be a lesson to every low-wage security guard out there. The lesson is to make sure your phone is charged before you come to work. ~ Jimmy Kimmel
A new Michael Jackson album was released this week and it contains a track titled "Do You Know Where Your Children Are?" Even worse, the next song is called, "Can You Give Me Directions?"~ Seth Meyers
One day Bill complained to his friend that his elbow really hurt. His friend suggested that he go to a computer at the drug store that can diagnose anything quicker and cheaper than a doctor.
''Simply put in a sample of your urine and the computer will diagnose your problem and tell you what you can do about it. It only costs $10."
Bill figured he had nothing to lose, so he filled a jar with a urine sample and went to the drug store. Finding the computer, he poured in the sample and deposited the $10. The computer started making some noise and various lights started flashing. After a brief pause out popped a small slip of paper on which was printed:
You have tennis elbow. Soak your arm in warm water. Avoid heavy lifting. It will be better in two weeks.
Later that evening while thinking how amazing this new technology was and how it would change medical science forever, he began to wonder if this machine could be fooled. He mixed together some tap water, a stool sample from his dog and urine samples from his wife and daughter. To top it off, he masturbated into the concoction.
He went back to the drug store, located the machine, poured in the sample and deposited the $10. The computer again made the usual noise and printed out the following message:
- Your tap water is too hard. Get a water softener.
- Your dog has worms. Get him vitamins.
- Your daughter is using cocaine. Put her in a rehabilitation clinic.
- Your wife is pregnant with twin girls. They aren't yours. Get a lawyer.
- And if you don't stop jerking off, your tennis elbow will never get better.
An Irishman drinks at the pub until they close.
He stands up to leave and falls flat on his face. He tries to stand one more time and falls again. He figures he'll crawl outside and get some fresh air and maybe that will sober him up.
Outside, he tries to stand up and falls flat again. He gives up and crawls the four blocks to his house, crawls up the stairs and pulls himself into bed.
The next morning, his wife stands over him shouting, "So, you've been out boozing again!"
"What makes you say that?" he asks, putting on an innocent face.
"The pub called -- you left your wheelchair there again."
The new priest is nervous about hearing confessions, so he asks an older priest to sit in on his sessions. The new priest hears a couple confessions, then the old priest asks him to step out of the confessional for a few suggestions.
The old priest says, "Cross you arms over your chest and rub your chin with one hand."
The new priest tries this. Then old priest suggests, "Try saying things like, 'I see,' 'yes,' 'go on,' 'I understand,' and 'how did you feel about that?'"
The new priest says those things, trying them out.
The old priest says, "Now, don't you think that's a little better than saying, 'Whoa... What happened next?'"