Too Bad It's Monday Humor

Associated Press May 5, 2014 6:55 am EDT 

The Energizer Bunny, known best for, "going and going and going..." passed away last evening at 12:39am. Upon completion of the autopsy early this morning, the chief medical examiner ruled that the death was caused by acute cardiac arrest, induced by sexual over-stimulation. Apparently, someone put the battery in backwards and the bunny kept coming and coming and coming,... Foul play has not been ruled out. 

A Canadian guy, an American guy, a Japanese guy, and a Middle Eastern guy walk into a bar. They all have a couple of beers, and get to bragging. 

The American guy boasts, "I'm so lucky, I have 4 beautiful children, one more and I would have a basketball team." 

Not to be outdone, the Canadian guy retorts, "I am luckier than you, I have 5 gifted children, one more and I could form a hockey team." 

So, the Japanese guy chimes in with, "Well, I surely have both of you topped. I have 8 children. Just one more and I would have a baseball team." 

Pausing, briefly, the Middle Eastern guy replies, "Well, I am betting I have all you fools beat. My harem houses 17 wives, one more and I will have a golf course!." 

Four high school boys afflicted with spring fever skipped morning classes. After lunch they reported to the teacher that they had a flat tire. Much to their relief she smiled and said, "Well, you missed a test today so take seats apart from one another and take out a piece of paper." 

Still smiling, she waited for them to sit down. Then she said: "First Question: Which tire was flat?" 

It was because of my father that from the ages of seven to fifteen, I thought that my name was Jesus Christ and my brother, Russell, thought that his name was Dammit. "Dammit, will you stop all that noise?" And, "Jesus Christ, sit down!" 

One day, I'm out playing in the rain, and my father yelled, "Dammit will you get back in here!" 

I said, "Dad, I'm Jesus Christ!" ~ Bill Cosby

Blondes

Q: How can you tell when a FAX had been sent from a blonde? 

A: There is a stamp on it. 

Q: Why should blondes not be given coffee breaks? 

A: It takes too long to retrain them. 

Q1 How can you tell if a blonde's been using the computer? 

A: There's white-out on the screen. 

Q2: How can you tell if another blonde's been using the computer? 

A: There's writing on the white-out. 

Q: What's the difference between a blonde and a computer? 

A: You only have to punch information into a computer once. 

Q: What did the blonde think of the new computer? 

A: She didn't like it because she couldn't get channel 9. 

Q: Do you know why the blonde got fired from the M&M factory? 

A: For throwing out the Ws. 

A little boy opened the big family bible. He was fascinated as he fingered through the old pages. Suddenly, something fell out of the Bible. He picked up the object and looked at it. What he saw was an old leaf that had been pressed in between the pages. 

"Mama, look what I found," the boy called out. 

"What have you got there, dear?" 

With astonishment in the young boy's voice, he answered, "I think it's Adam's underwear!"

A golfer tried three straight times to hit a golf ball over the inlet of water between him and the green. But each time the ball splashes into the drink. In utter frustration the golfer said, "Caddie, take my clubs on in, I'm going to jump into the water and drown myself." 

The caddie replied, "I doubt that, sir. You couldn't keep your head down long enough to drown!"

The shopkeeper was dismayed when a brand new business much like his own opened up next door and erected a huge sign which read... 

BEST DEALS 

He was horrified when another competitor opened up on his right, and announced its arrival with an even larger sign, reading...

 LOWEST PRICES 

The shopkeeper was panicked, until he got an idea. He put a huge sign over the door of his own shop that read... 

MAIN ENTRANCE

KATZ