Nick's Bytes: Too Bad It's Monday Humor + KATZ

Monday, June 30, 2014

Too Bad It's Monday Humor + KATZ

When my lifelong-bachelor uncle turned 78, he traveled across the country to visit a dozen or so old girlfriends.

"How'd it go?" I asked when he returned.

"Thank God I never married any of them," he said. "They are all widows."

Two stoned hippies are walking along an old railway track.

The first hippy says, "wow, these stairs go on for miles, man."

And the second said, "it's these low hand rails that are killing me, man.

Food, Family, Fourth of July, and Fireworks. The four best F words ever!

During the Revolutionary war, General Washington asked a soldier why he was falling back during a really fierce battle. "Didn't you hear me say that we're outnumbered 4 to 1 ?"

The soldier replied, "I got my four Sir."

"Well," snarled the tough old General Cornwallis to the bewildered soldier. "I suppose after you get discharged from the army, you'll just be waiting for me to die so you can come and piss on my grave."

"Not me, General!" the soldier replied. "Once I get out of the army, I'm never going to stand in line again!"

A scientist has come up with proof of something students have known for years: chemistry lectures are boring. In an article published in the current issue of Chemistry in Britain, a university chemistry lecturer introduced a guest lecturer to a class of 50 doctoral candidates.

Then, he and his colleagues studied variations in what he calls the HTFDR -- "head-to-floor distance reduction." After about an hour , the average HTFDR dropped from 135cm to 121cm, said the author of the study, who preferred to remain anonymous.

The HTFDR immediately bounced back to normal when the speaker uttered the magic words: "And in conclusion . . ."

At a press conference the Brunettes announce they are going to make a trip to the Moon.

The Redheads speak up "That's been done before, we're going to go to Mars".

The Blondes speak up "That's nothing, we're going to be the first people to go to the Sun".

One of the reporters says "Don't you idiots know that you'll burn up?"

The Blondes say "NO WE WON'T; WE'RE GOING TO GO AT NIGHT!"\

Late Night Jokes

Conan:

Luis Suarez, the Uruguayan player who bit an opponent, may get banned for two years. On the plus side, he has just signed a million-dollar endorsement deal to promote rabies.

England was knocked out of the World Cup. It's the most English people wiped out at one time since the last episode of "Game of Thrones."

David Letterman:

A guy outside of a McDonald's tried to break up a fight and he got stabbed in the back. He then took out his cellphone and called a buddy. This gives you an idea how bad crime is in New York City. People don't even notice now when they've been stabbed.

The guy goes back into the McDonald's with the knife sticking out of his back and he says, "Is there a McDoctor in the house?"

Craig Ferguson:

In England a major highway had to be closed yesterday because a truck overturned. And the truck was filled with instant mashed potatoes. I was thinking that there must be a joke in this, but I couldn't think of one.

A truck overturned full of mashed potatoes — thank God this didn't happen in Los Angeles. They'd be saying, "Oh no, carbs. Carbs are falling! Quick, someone overturn a truck full of kale. No, don't waste the kale."

Jimmy Kimmel:

A piece of rock 'n' roll history was sold yesterday. Some of Bob Dylan's handwritten lyrics from 1965 went up for auction and got $2 million. Paying $2 million for Bob Dylan lyrics is a good way to know that Bob Dylan would have hated you in 1965.

The reason the Dylan lyrics are so valuable is because if you buy them, you'll be the only one in the world who knows what Dylan is singing.

I was walking across a bridge one day, and I saw a man standing on the edge, about to jump off. I immediately ran over and said "Stop! Don't do it!"

"Why shouldn't I?" he said.

I said, "Well, there's so much to live for!"

"Like what?"

"Well ... are you religious or atheist?"

"Religious."

"Me too! Are you Christian or Jewish?"

"Christian."

"Me too! Are you Catholic or Protestant?"

"Protestant."

"Me too! Are you Episcopalian or Baptist?"

"Baptist."

"Wow! Me too! Are you Baptist Church of God or Baptist Church of the Lord?"