Tuesday, June 17, 2014

Too Bad It's Monday Humor on Tuesday

Yesterday was a horrible day. I tried to talk to 3 Federal Bureaucracies while being extremely ill. So, this humor is published on Tuesday rather than Monday.

Airman Jones was assigned to the induction center where he was to advise new recruits about their government benefits, especially their GI insurance.

It wasn't long before Captain Smith noticed that Airman Jones had almost a 100% record for insurance sales, which had never happened before.

Rather than ask about this, the Captain stood in the back of the room and listened to Jones's sales pitch. Jones explained the basics of the GI Insurance to the new recruits, and then said:

"If you have GI Insurance and go into battle and are killed, the government has to pay $200,000 to your beneficiaries. If you don't have GI insurance, and you go into battle and get killed, the government has to pay only a maximum of $6000."

"Now," he concluded," which bunch do you think they are going to send into battle first?

Why Engineers Don't Write Recipe Books

Chocolate Chip Cookies:


1. 532.35 cm3 gluten
2. 4.9 cm3 NaHCO3
3. 4.9 cm3 refined halite
4. 236.6 cm3 partially hydrogenated tallow triglyceride
5. 177.45 cm3 crystalline C12H22O11
6. 177.45 cm3 unrefined C12H22O11
7. 4.9 cm3 methyl ether of protocatechuic aldehyde
8. Two calcium carbonate-encapsulated avian albumen-coated protein
9. 473.2 cm3 theobroma cacao
10. 236.6 cm3 de-encapsulated legume meats (sieve size #10)

To a 2-L jacketed round reactor vessel (reactor #1) with an overall heat transfer coefficient of about 100 Btu/F-ft2-hr, add ingredients one, two and three with constant agitation. In a second 2-L reactor vessel with a radial flow impeller operating at 100 rpm, add ingredients four, five, six, and seven until the mixture is homogenous. To reactor #2, add ingredient eight, followed by three equal volumes of the homogenous mixture in reactor #1. Additionally, add ingredient nine and ten slowly, with constant agitation. Care must be taken at this point in the reaction to control any temperature rise that may be the result of an exothermic reaction.

Using a screw extrude attached to a #4 nodulizer, place the mixture piece-meal on a 316SS sheet (300 x 600 mm). Heat in a 460K oven for a period of time that is in agreement with Frank & Johnston's first order rate expression (see JACOS, 21, 55), or until golden brown. Once the reaction is complete, place the sheet on a 25C heat-transfer table, allowing the product to come to equilibrium.

A blonde, who had just dyed her hair red, went to the hospital because her whole body hurt. She told the doctor that where ever she touched herself it would hurt. 

The doctor told her to demonstrate. She touched her nose and it hurt. She touched her stomach and it hurt. 

The doctor asked her if she was a blonde and she said yes. 

"Look Here Lady, your finger is broken!" 

A little old lady wanted to join an outlaw biker club. She knocked on the door of a local biker club and a big, hairy, bearded biker with tattoos all over his arms answered the door. 

She proclaimed, "I want to join your biker club." 

The guy was amused and told her that she needed to meet certain biker requirements before she was allowed to join. So the biker asked her, "You have a bike?" 

The little old lady said, "Yea, that's my Harley over there," and points to a Harley parked in the driveway. 

The biker asked her, "Do you smoke?" 

The little old lady said "Yea, I smoke. I smoke 4 packs of cigarettes a day and a couple of cigars while I'm shooting pool." 

The biker is impressed and asked, "Well, have you ever been picked up by the Fuzz?" 

The little old lady said, "No, I've never been picked up by the fuzz, but I've been swung around by my nipples a few times." 

Feline Physics Laws

Panda Law of Cat Inertia 

A cat at rest will tend to remain at rest, unless acted upon by some outside force - such as the opening of cat food, or a nearby scurrying mouse. 

Law of Cat Motion 

A cat will move in a straight line, unless there is a really good reason to change direction. 

Law of Cat Magnetism 

All blue blazers and black sweaters attract cat hair in direct proportion to the darkness of the fabric. 

Law of Cat Thermodynamics 

Heat flows from a warmer to a cooler body, except in the case of a cat, in which case all heat flows to the cat. 

Law of Cat Stretching 

A cat will stretch to a distance proportional to the length of the nap just taken. 

Law of Cat Sleeping 

All cats must sleep with people whenever possible, in a position as uncomfortable for the people involved, and as comfortable as possible for the cat. 

Law of Cat Elongation 

A cat can make her body long enough to reach just about any counter top that has anything remotely interesting on it. 

Law of Cat Obstruction 

A cat must lay on the floor in such a position to obstruct the maximum amount of human foot traffic. 

Law of Cat Acceleration

A cat will accelerate at a constant rate, until he gets good and ready to stop. 

Law of Dinner Table Attendance 

Cats must attend all meals when anything good is served. 

Law of Rug Configuration 

No rug may remain in its naturally flat state for very long. 

Law of Obedience Resistance 

A cat's resistance varies in proportion to a human's desire for her to do something. 

First Law of Energy Conservation 

Cats know that energy can neither be created nor destroyed and will, therefore, use as little energy as possible.

Second Law of Energy Conservation 

Cats also know that energy can only be stored by a lot of napping. 

Law of Refrigerator Observation 

If a cat watches a refrigerator long enough, someone will come along and take out something good to eat. 

Law of Electric Blanket Attraction 

Turn on an electric blanket and a cat will jump into bed at the speed of light. 

Law of Random Comfort Seeking 

A cat will always seek, and usually take over, the most comfortable spot in any given room.

Law of Bag/Box Occupancy 

All bags and boxes in a given room must contain a cat within the earliest possible nanosecond. 

Law of Cat Embarrassment 

A cat's irritation rises in direct proportion to her embarrassment times the amount of human laughter. 

Law of Milk Consumption 

A cat will drink his weight in milk, squared, just to show you he can. 

Law of Furniture Replacement 

A cat's desire to scratch furniture is directly proportional to the cost of the furniture. 

Law of Cat Landing 

A cat will always land in the softest place possible; often the mid-section of an unsuspecting, reclining human. 

Law of Fluid Displacement 

A cat immersed in milk will displace her own volume, minus the amount of milk consumed. 

Law of Cat Disinterest 

A cat's interest level will vary in inverse proportion to the amount of effort a human expends in trying to interest him. 

Law of Pill Rejection 

Any pill given to a cat has the potential energy to reach escape velocity. 

Law of Cat Composition 

A cat is composed of Matter + Anti-Matter + It Doesn't Matter. 

Random Thoughts

I couldn't repair my brakes, so I made the horn louder. 

Why do psychics have to ask you for your name? 

How do you tell when you run out of invisible ink? 

What happens if you get scared half-to-death twice? 

If I worked as much as others, I would do as little as they. 

When I'm not in my right mind, my left mind gets pretty crowded. 

I intend to live forever -- so far, so good! 

Dancing is a perpendicular expression of a horizontal desire. 

Ambition is a poor excuse for not having enough sense to be lazy. 

Eagles may soar, but weasels don't get sucked into jet engines. 

You know you're getting older when...

Everything that works hurts, and what doesn't hurt doesn't work. 

You feel like the morning after, and you haven't been anywhere. 

Your little black book only contains names ending in M.D. 

Your children are beginning to look middle-aged. 

Your mind makes contracts your body can't keep. 

You look forward to a dull evening. 

Your knees buckle and your belt won't. 

Your back goes out more than you do. 

You sink your teeth into a steak, and they stay there. 

You know all the answers, but nobody asks the questions.