Too Bad It's Monday Humor with KATZ

Q. What's the difference between a UFO and a smart blonde? 

A. There's been sightings of a UFO.

Late Night Funnies

Jimmy Fallon

A company in Japan says it will start selling human-like robots that can babysit your children. That story again: Japan is making a robot that can turn on a TV.

Conan O'Brien

A Japanese clothing company has been criticized for labeling United States sizes skinny, fat, and jumbo. After a huge outcry they changed them to "small, medium, and American."

David Letterman

This Bergdahl guy was in a Taliban prison for five years, and he's now recovering in a hospital in Germany. The reason he is in Germany is because he couldn't get into a VA hospital until 2020. 

Craig Ferguson

Disney announced they're making a live action "Beauty and the Beast." Of course we're all familiar with the story. An attractive woman falls for a horrible monster and then forces him to sell his NBA team for $2 billion.

Seth Meyers

Scientists in Australia have rediscovered a bat species that was originally thought to be extinct for over 120 years. And thanks to the quick reflexes of one of the scientists, it’s extinct again.

A student named Jacob was sitting in class one day and the teacher walked by and he asked her "How do you put an elephant in the fridge?" 

The teacher said "I don't know, how?" 

Jacob then said "You open the door and put it in there!" Then Jacob asked the teacher another question "How do you put a cheetah in the fridge?" 

The teacher then replied "Ohh I know this one, you open the door and put it in there?" 

Jacob said "No, you open the door, take the elephant out, and then you put it in there." Then he asked another question..."All the animals went to the lions birthday party, except one animal, which one was it?" 

The teacher a bit confused and said "The lion?" 

Then the student said "No,the cheetah because he's still in the fridge." then he asked her just one more question...."If there is a river full of crocodiles and you wanted to get across it, how would you" 

The teacher then says "You would walk over the bridge." 

Then Jacob says "No, you would swim across because all the crocodiles are at the lions birthday party!" 

She laughs and walks away. 

Sarah Silverman Video [for Adults]:

A young man walks into a singles bar with a roll of quarters taped inside the crotch of his jeans. He looks around, then sits next to the most attractive woman there. He was very pleased with himself after he noticed her constantly glancing down at his crotch. 

"Hi, there, I'm Jerry," he said, as he went into one of his well rehearsed routines, "and I help produce a T.V. quiz show. Is there any question I can answer for you?" 

"As a matter of fact there is," she said as she glanced down once more toward his embellished jeans. "Do you have change for a dollar?" 

A Japanese man walked into the currency exchange in New York City with 2000 yen and walked out with $72. The following week, he walked in with another 2000 yen, and was handed $66. He asked the teller why he got less money that week than the previous week. 

The teller said, "Fluctuations." 

The Japanese man stormed out, and just before slamming the door, turned around and shouted, "Fluc you Amelicans, too!" 

Jarul goes to church and he decided to get baptized. 

The pastor dipped him thrice in the baptismal pool and said, "You are baptized in the name of the Father, and of the Son and of the Holy Spirit. From now on you are no longer to be called Jarul but Joseph, and you should never drink beer again." 

Jarul went home and took a cold pint of beer out of his fridge. Recalling what the pastor said, he headed for the kitchen and dipped the pint of beer in a bowl of water thrice, saying, "From now on you are no longer to be called Budweiser but orange juice." 

An elderly couple were killed in an accident and found themselves being given a tour of heaven by Saint Peter. "Here is your oceanside condo, over there are the tennis courts, swimming pool, and two golf courses. If you need any refreshments, just stop by any of the many bars located throughout the area."

"Heck, Gloria," the old man hissed when Saint Peter walked off, "we could have been here ten years ago if you hadn't heard about all that stupid oat bran, wheat germ, and low-fat diets!"

A dying grandma tells her grandchild, "I want to leave you my farm. That includes the barn, livestock, the harvest, the tractor, and other equipment, the farmhouse and $24,548,750.45 in cash." 

The grandchild, absolutely floored and about to become rich says, "Oh grandma, you are SO generous! I didn't even know you had a farm. Where is it?" 

With her last breath, Grandma whispered, "Facebook..." 

A woman takes her 15-year-old daughter to the doctor. The doctor says, "Okay, Mrs. Jones, what's the problem?" 

The mother says, "It's my daughter Mandy. She keeps getting these cravings, she's putting on weight, and is sick most mornings." 

The doctor gives Mandy a good examination, then turns to the mother and says, "Well, I don't know how to tell you this, but your Mandy is pregnant - about 4 months, would be my guess." 

The mother says, "Pregnant?! She can't be, she has never ever been left alone with a man! Have you, Mandy?" 

Mandy says, "No mother! I've never even kissed a man!" 

The doctor walked over to the window and just stares out it. About five minutes pass and finally the mother says, "Is there something wrong out there doctor?" 

The doctor replies, "No, not really, it's just that the last time anything like this happened, a star appeared in the east and three wise men came over the hill. I'll be darned if I'm going to miss it this time!" 

KATZ