Wise (?) Quotes
Question: If you could live forever, would you and why?
Answer: "I would not live forever, because we should not live forever, because if we were supposed to live forever, then we would live forever, but we cannot live forever, which is why I would not live forever." ~ Miss Alabama in the 1994 Miss USA contest.
"Whenever I watch TV and see those poor starving kids all over the world, I can't help but cry. I mean I'd love to be skinny like that, but not with all those flies and death and stuff." ~ Mariah Carey
"Smoking kills. If you're killed, you've lost a very important part of your life." ~ Brooke Shields, during an interview to become spokesperson for federal anti-smoking campaign
"I've never had major knee surgery on any other part of my body." ~ Winston Bennett, University of Kentucky basketball forward.
"Outside of the killings, Washington has one of the lowest crime rates in the country." ~ Mayor Marion Barry, Washington , DC .
"That lowdown scoundrel deserves to be kicked to death by a jackass, and I'm just the one to do it." ~ A congressional candidate in Texas .
"Half this game is ninety percent mental." ~ Philadelphia Phillies manager, Danny Ozark
"I love California . I practically grew up in Phoenix. " ~ Dan Quayle
"We've got to pause and ask ourselves: How much clean air do we need?" ~ Lee Iacocca
"The word "genius" isn't applicable in football. A genius is a guy like Norman Einstein." ~ Joe Theisman, NFL football quarterback & sports analyst.
"We don't necessarily discriminate. We simply exclude certain types of people." ~ Colonel Gerald Wellman, ROTC Instructor.
"Your food stamps will be stopped effective March 1992 because we received notice that you passed away. May God bless you. You may reapply if there is a change in your circumstances." ~ Department of Social Services, Greenville , South Carolina
"Traditionally, most of Australia 's imports come from overseas." ~ Keppel Enderbery
"If somebody has a bad heart, they can plug this jack in at night as they go to bed and it will monitor their heart throughout the night. And the next morning, when they wake up dead, there'll be a record." ~ Mark S. Fowler, FCC Chairman
Quoting Chelsea Handler
"There are two kinds of people I don't trust: people who don't drink and people who collect stickers."
"You just be honest about who you are, and if you don't end up with any friends, then good for you."
"I have been on a life-long search of how to stay in shape without putting any effort into it whatsoever."
"I was in a tailspin of confusion I hadn't experienced since the first time I heard George W. Bush speak."
"People just think I'm kidding, but I'm really not."
"I went out with a guy who once told me I didn't need to drink to make myself more fun to be around. I told him, I'm drinking so that you're more fun to be around."
"Vomit and feces are two reasons I have decided not to procreate."
"It doesn't matter how many times you get rejected. All that needs to happen is for one person to tell you 'yes' and then everybody else can go f—k themselves."
“At some point during almost every romantic comedy, the female lead suddenly trips and falls, stumbling helplessly over something ridiculous like a leaf, and then some Matthew McConaughey type either whips around the corner just in the nick of time to save her or is clumsily pulled down along with her. That event predictably leads to the magical moment of their first kiss. Please. I fall ALL the time. You know who comes and gets me? The bouncer.”
“Obviously, if I was serious about having a relationship with someone long-term, the last people I would introduce him to would be my family.”
"My mother told me that life isn't always about pleasing yourself and that sometimes you have to do things for the sole benefit of another human being. I completely agreed with her, but reminded her that that was what blow jobs were for.”
“Laugh loudly, laugh often, and most important, laugh at yourself.”
Q: How many chiropractors does it take to change a lightbulb ?
A: Only one, but it takes nine visits.
Q: How many doctors does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: Only one, but he has to have a nurse to tell him which end to screw in.
Q: How many nurses does it take to change a light bulb?
A: Will somebody please call house-keeping?
Q: How many punk rockers does it take to change a lightbulb ?
A: Two: One to screw in the bulb and the other to smash the old one on his forehead.
Q: How many Dylan fans does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: The answer, my friend, is blowin' in the wind. The answer is blowin' in the wind.
Q: How many Pentium designers does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: None - it will be fined (fixed ?) in the next version.
Q: How many journalists does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
A: Three. One to report it as an inspired government program to bring light to the people, one to report it as a diabolical government plot to deprive the poor of darkness, and one to win a pulitzer prize for reporting that Electric Company hired a lightbulb assassin to break the bulb in the first place.
Q: How many gardeners does it take to change a lightbulb?
A: Three. One to change it and two to have a debate about whether this is the right time of year to be putting in lightbulbs or daffodil bulbs.
Q: How many Englishmen does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: What do you mean change it? It's a perfectly good bloody bulb! We have had it for a thousand years and it has worked just fine.
Q: How many bureaucrats does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: Two--one to screw it in and one to screw it up.
Late Night TV
This week, our pal Rob Ford faced off against his four challengers in a debate for Toronto mayor. His opponents were, of course, pretty critical of his performance, but Ford said, "Hey, my record slurs for itself." ~ Jimmy Fallon
People love the new Pope, but I think it's safe to say he's gone crazy. Now he's thinking about doing away with celibacy for priests. Are you like me? Are you thinking "Real Housewives of the Vatican?" ~ David Letterman
It's not only David Hasselhoff's birthday, it's also the birthday of Angela Merkel, the chancellor of Germany. One is Germany's most powerful leader, but is not afraid to look feminine. And the other one is Angela Merkel. ~ Craig Ferguson
According to a new report, 81 percent of people would cheat on their partner if there were no consequences, while 19 percent of people are pretty sure this is a test. ~ Seth Meyers
Heard at an AARP rally:
Leader, with megaphone: "What do we want!"
Crowd, fists raised: "Better memory!"
Leader: "When do we want it!"
Crowd: "Want what?"