Monday, July 14, 2014

Too Bad It's Monday Humor

Wise (?) Words

Groucho Marx (1890-1977):
'I never forget a face, but in your case I’d be glad to make an exception.'

Billy Connolly (24 November 1942-):
'My definition of an intellectual is someone who can listen to the William Tell Overture without thinking of the Lone Ranger.'

W.C Fields (1880-1946):
'Start every day off with a smile and get it over with.'

Les Dawson (1931-1993):
'My wife sent her photograph to the Lonely Hearts Club. They sent it back saying they weren't that lonely.'

Dorothy Parker (1893-1967):
'If you want to know what God thinks of money, just look at the people he gave it to.'

Gore Vidal (1925-2012):
'Every time a friend succeeds, I die a little.'

Bob Newhart ( September 5, 1929-):
'I don't like country music, but I don't mean to denigrate those who do. And for the people who like country music, denigrate means 'put down'.

Noel Coward (1899-1973):
'Never trust a man with short legs… his brain’s too near his bottom.'

Oscar Wilde (1854-1900):
'The English country gentleman galloping after a fox is the unspeakable in full pursuit of the uneatable.'

Mark Twain (1835-1910):
'Age is an issue of mind over matter. If you don't mind, it doesn't matter.'

Bob Hope (1903-2003):
I remember my staff asking me when I was going to retire. I said when I could no longer hear the sound of laughter. He said: "That never stopped you before".

Joan Rivers (June 8, 1933-):
'The first time I see a jogger smiling, I'll consider it.'

Bill Cosby (July 12, 1937-):
'Always end the name of your child with a vowel, so that when you yell the name will carry.'

Mae West (1893-1980):
'I used to be Snow White, but I drifted.'

Jay Leno (April 28, 1950-):
'Politics is just show business for ugly people.'

Jerry Seinfeld (April 29, 1954-):
'I wonder if illiterate people get the full effect of alphabet soup.'

Ambrose Bierce, author of The Devil's Dictionary (1842-1913):
'War is God's way of teaching Americans geography.'

Homer Simpson (1987-):
'Trying is the first step towards failure.'

Oliver Hardy (1892-1957) to Stan Laurel (1890-1965):
'Well, here's another nice mess you've gotten me into.'

There were three guys a sex addict, a weed addict and a alcoholic. They all went to hell for their sin and were standing in front of the devil. The devil made a deal with them saying, "I will lock you in a room with what ever sin you committed for a 1000 years; if you get over your sin, I will send you back to the land of the living." 

So the sex addict got locked in a room full of virgins, the alcohol addict got locked in a room full of beer, and the weed addict locked in a room full of weed. 

1000 years later the Devil opens the door to the sex addict's room. He comes out saying "Aww, my dick hurts. I'm never having sex again." POOF! back to earth he goes. 

The the alcoholic's door was opened. He said, "I'm never having another beer!" POOF! he gets sent back to Earth. 

Then. when the Devil opens the door to the weed addict's room, the weed addict punches the Devil in the face, and says, "You forgot my lighter, bitch!" 

After many years of marriage, a husband has turned into a couch potato, became completely inattentive to his wife and sat guzzling beer and watching TV all day. The wife was dismayed because no matter what she did to attract the husband's attention, he'd just shrug her off with some bored comment.

This went on for many months and the wife was going crazy with boredom. Then one day at a pet store, the wife saw this big, ugly, snorting bird with a hairy chest, powerful hairy forearms, beady eyes and dribble running down the side of its mouth.

The shopkeeper, observing her fascination with the bird, told her it was a special imported "Goony bird" and it had a very peculiar trait. To demonstrate, he exclaimed, "Goony bird! The table!"

Immediately, the Goony bird flew off its perch and with single-minded fury attacked the table and smashed it into a hundred little pieces with its powerful forearms and claws! To demonstrate some more, the shopkeeper said, "Goony bird! The shelf!"

Again the Goony bird turned to the shelf and demolished it in seconds.

"Wow!" said the wife, "If this doesn't attract my husband's attention, nothing will!" So she bought the bird and took it home.

When she entered the house, the husband was, as usual, sprawled on the sofa guzzling beer and watching the game. "Honey!" she exclaimed, "I've got a surprise for you! A Goony bird!"

The husband, in his usual bored tone replied, "Goony Bird, my foot!"


1. Pick cat up and cradle it in the crook of your left arm as if holding a baby. Position right forefinger and thumb on either side of cat's mouth and gently apply pressure to cheeks while holding pill in right hand. As cat opens mouth, pop pill into mouth. Allow cat to close mouth and swallow. 

2. Retrieve pill from floor and cat from behind sofa. Cradle cat in left arm and repeat process. 

3. Retrieve cat from bedroom, and throw soggy pill away. Take new pill from foil wrap, cradle cat in left arm holding rear paws tightly with lef hand. Force jaws open and push pill to back of mouth with right forefinger. Hold mouth shut for a count of 10. 

4. Retrieve pill from goldfish bowl and cat from top of wardrobe. Call spouse from garden. 

5. Kneel on floor with cat wedged firmly between knees, holding front and rear paws. Ignore low growls emitted by cat. Get spouse to hold cat's head firmly with one hand while forcing wooden ruler into mouth. Drop pill down ruler and rub cat's throat vigorously. 

6. Retrieve cat from curtain rail, get another pill from foil wrap. Make note to buy new ruler and repair curtains. Carefully sweep shattered figurines from hearth and set to one side for gluing later. 

7. Wrap cat in large towel and get spouse to lie on cat with its head just visible from below spouse's armpit. Put pill in end of drinking straw, force cat's mouth open with pencil and blow down drinking straw. 

8. Check label to make sure pill not harmful to humans, drink glass of water to take taste away. Apply band-aid to spouse's forearm and remove blood from carpet with cold water and soap. 

9. Retrieve cat from neighbor's shed. Get another pill. Place cat in cupboard and close door onto neck to leave head showing. Force mouth open with dessert spoon. Flick pill down throat with elastic band. 

10. Fetch screwdriver from garage and put door back on hinges. Apply cold compress to cheek and check records for date of last tetanus shot. Throw T-shirt away and fetch new one from bedroom. 

11. Ring fire brigade to retrieve cat from tree across the road. Apologize to neighbor who crashed into fence while swerving to avoid cat. Take last pill from foil wrap. 

12. Tie cat's front paws to rear paws with garden twine and bind tightly to leg of dining table. Find heavy duty pruning gloves from shed. Force cat's mouth open with small spanner. Push pill into mouth followed by large piece of fillet steak. Hold head vertically and pour 1/2 pint of water down throat to wash pill down. 

13. Get spouse to drive you to emergency room; sit quietly while doctor stitches fingers and forearm and removes pill remnants from right eye. Stop by furniture shop on way home to order new table. 

14. Arrange for vet to make a housecall. 


NASA just disclosed details why the rover wouldn't accept any commands. They took a picture of the rover's built-in display which showed a windows screen and the text "press any key to continue".

It is not conclusive yet, but the NASA believes the Mars Pathfinder has found proof of life on Mars. The cd player was stolen.

The Mars Pathfinder was renamed today in honor of the late astronomer, Carl Sagan. The craft will henceforth be referred to as bha memorial station.

You've probably heard about the Mars Pathfinder probe. Once it lands on the red planet, pathfinder will release the sojourner rover, a little laboratory on wheels. Sojourner will cruise about the martian surface performing experments. It turns out that sojourner and pathfinder will communicate using two standard, off-the-shelf 9600 baud radio modems.

According to jet propulsion laboratory program manager Donna Shirley, the modem manufacturer warned jpl that sending the modem to mars would void the warranty.

A retiring farmer, in preparation for selling his land, needed to rid his farm of animals. So he went to every house in his town. 

To the houses where the man is the boss, he gave a horse. To the houses where the woman is the boss, a chicken was given. 

He got toward the end of the street and saw a couple outside gardening. "Who's the boss around here?" he asked. 

"I am." said the man. 

"I have a black horse and a brown horse," the farmer said, "which one would you like?" 

The man thought for a minute and said, "The black one." 

"No, no, no, get the brown one." the man's wife said. 

"Here's your chicken." said the farmer.

The two thousand member Baptist church was filled to overflowing capacity one Sunday morning. The preacher was ready to start the sermon when two men, dressed in long black coats and black hats entered thru the rear of the church.

One of the two men walked to the middle of the church while the other stayed at the back of the church. They both then reached under their coats and withdrew automatic weapons.

The one in the middle announced, "Everyone willing to take a bullet for Jesus stay in your seats!"

Naturally, the pews emptied, followed by the choir. The deacons ran out the door, followed by the choir director and the assistant pastor.

After a few moments, there were about twenty people left sitting in the church. The preacher was holding steady in the pulpit.

The men put their weapons away and said, gently, to the preacher, "All right, pastor, the hypocrites are gone now. You may begin the service."



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