Monday, July 28, 2014

Too Bad It's Monday

An elderly woman went to the doctor for a check-up. Everything checked out fine. Then the old lady pulled the doctor to the side and said, "Doctor, I haven't had sex for years now and I was wondering how I can increase my husband's sex drive." 

The doctor smiled and said, "Have you tried to give him Viagra?" 

The woman frowned. "Doctor, I can't even get him to take aspirin when he has a headache," she said.

"Well," the doctor continued, "Let me suggest something. Crush the Viagra into a powder. When you are giving him coffee, stir it into the coffee and serve it. He won't notice a thing." 

The woman was delighted. She left the doctor's office quickly. 

Weeks later the old lady returned. She was frowning and the doctor asked her what was wrong. She shook her head. 

"Well, how did it go?" the doctor asked. 

"Terrible, doctor, terrible." 

"Did it not work?" 

"Yes," the woman said, "It worked. I did as you said and he got up and ripped his clothes off right then and there and we made mad love on the table. It was the best sex that I'd had in 25 years." 

"Then what is the problem, ma'am?" 

"Well," she said. "I can't ever show my face in McDonald's again." 

You're Drinking Too Much Coffee When . . . 

Juan Valdez named his donkey after you. 

You ski uphill. 

You get a speeding ticket even when you're parked. 

You speed walk in your sleep. 

You have a bumper sticker that says: "Coffee drinkers are good in the sack." 

You answer the door before people knock. 

You haven't blinked since the last lunar eclipse. 

You just completed another sweater and you don't know how to knit. 

You grind your coffee beans in your mouth. 

You sleep with your eyes open. 

You have to watch videos in fast-forward. 

The only time you're standing still is during an earthquake. 

You can take a picture of yourself from ten feet away without using the timer. 

You lick your coffeepot clean. 

You spend every vacation visiting "Maxwell House." 

You're the employee of the month at the local coffeehouse and you don't even work there. 

You've worn out your third pair of tennis shoes this week. 

Your eyes stay open when you sneeze. 

You chew on other people's fingernails. 

The nurse needs a scientific calculator to take your pulse. 

Your T-shirt says, "Decaffeinated coffee is the devil's coffee." 

Your so jittery that people use your hands to blend their margaritas. 

You can type sixty words per minute with your feet. 

You can jump-start your car without cables. 

Cocaine is a downer. 

All your kids are named "Joe." 

You don't need a hammer to pound in nails. 

Your only source of nutrition comes from "Sweet & Low." 

You don't sweat, you percolate. 

You buy milk by the barrel. 

You've worn out the handle on your favorite mug. 

You go to AA meetings just for the free coffee. 

You walk twenty miles on your treadmill before you realize it's not plugged in. 

You forget to unwrap candy bars before eating them. 

Charles Manson thinks you need to calm down. 

You've built a miniature city out of little plastic stirrers. 

People get dizzy just watching you. 

When you find a penny, you say, "Find a penny, pick it up. Sixty-three more, I'll have a cup." 

You've worn the finish off your coffee table. 

The Taster's Choice couple wants to adopt you. 

Starbucks owns the mortgage on your house. 

Your taste buds are so numb you could drink your lava lamp. 

You're so wired, you pick up AM radio. 

People can test their batteries in your ears. 

Your life's goal is to amount to a hill of beans. 

Instant coffee takes too long. 

You channel surf faster without a remote. 

When someone says. "How are you?", you say, "Good to the last drop." 

You want to be cremated just so you can spend the rest of eternity in a coffee can 

You want to come back as a coffee mug in your next life. 

Your birthday is a national holiday in Brazil 

You'd be willing to spend time in a Turkish prison. 

You go to sleep just so you can wake up and smell the coffee. 

You're offended when people use the word "brew" to mean beer. 

You name your cats "Cream" and "Sugar." 

You get drunk just so you can sober up. 

You speak perfect Arabic without ever taking a lesson. 

Your Thermos is on wheels. 

Your lips are permanently stuck in the sipping position. 

You have a picture of your coffee mug on your coffee mug. 

You can outlast the Energizer bunny. 

You short out motion detectors. 

You have a conniption over spilled milk. 

You don't even wait for the water to boil anymore. 

Your nervous twitch registers on the Richter scale. 

You think being called a "drip" is a compliment. 

You don't tan, you roast. 

You don't get mad, you get steamed. 

Your three favorite things in life before and coffee after. 

Your lover uses soft lights, romantic music, and a glass of iced coffee to get you in the mood. 

You can't even remember your second cup. 

You help your dog chase its tail. 

You soak your dentures in coffee overnight. 

Your coffee mug is insured by Lloyds of London. 

You introduce your spouse as your coffeemate. 

You think CPR stands for "Coffee Provides Resuscitation." 

Your first-aid kit contains two pints of coffee with an I.V. hookup. 

A tourist is traveling with a guide through one of the thickest jungles in South America, when he comes across an ancient Mayan temple. The tourist is entranced by the temple, and asks the guide for details. To this, the guide states that archaeologists are carrying out excavations, and still finding great treasures. The tourist then queries how old the temple is. 

"This temple is 1503 years old", replies the guide. 

Impressed at this accurate dating, he inquires as to how he gave this precise figure. 

"Easy", replies the guide, "the archaeologists said the temple was 1500 years old, and that was three years ago" 

A Hindu priest, rabbi and a lawyer were driving down the road, when the car breaks down. Fortunately finding a farmhouse nearby, the farmer informed them that he had only one spare room, and that it had only two twin beds.

They were welcome to it, but one of them had to sleep in the barn. After much discussion, the Hindu volunteered to go to the barn. A few moments later, a knock on the bedroom door, and the Hindu explained that there was a cow in the barn, and cows are sacred and he could not possibly sleep in the barn with a cow.

Annoyed, the rabbi volunteered. A few moments later, a knock on the door. The rabbi explained that there was a pig in the barn and that he, being very orthodox, could not possibly spend the evening in the barn with the origin of pork.

Finally the lawyer said that he would go to the barn. A few moments later there was a knock on the door. It was the cow and the pig!

A driver tucked this note under the windshield wiper of his automobile. 
"I've circled the block for 20 minutes. I'm late for an appointment, and if I don't park here I'll lose my job. Forgive us our trespasses." 
When he came back he found a parking ticket and this note:
 "I've circled the block for 20 years, and if I don't give you a ticket, I'll lose my job. Lead us not into temptation." 

Late Night Funnies

Jimmy Fallon:
A JetBlue pilot was arrested this week and charged with heroin possession. Passengers could tell something was up when, during their flight, he announced, "To your left you'll see the Grand Canyon, and to your right you'll see a fire-breathing dragon."

Conan O'Brien:
There's a lot of speculation about the new iPhone. It's expected to have a larger screen and a better operating system. Yes, the new iPhone will be called last year's Samsung Galaxy.

Craig Ferguson:
These huge white flags were placed on top of the Brooklyn Bridge. And late this afternoon, word came from the FBI that the New York Mets have surrendered.

Seth Meyers:
The 17-year-old daughter of one of the "Real Housewives of Beverly Hills" was arrested today for DUI and driving on a suspended license. She's expected to receive 12 months of probation and a spinoff.


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