Monday, September 15, 2014

Too Bad It's Monday

A young woman brings home her fiance to meet her parents. After dinner, her mother tells her father to find out about the young man. The father invites the fiancee to his study for a drink.

"So what are your plans?" the father asks the young man.

"I am a Torah scholar," he replies.

"A Torah scholar. Hmmm," the father says. "Admirable, but what will you do to provide a nice house for my daughter to live in, as she's accustomed to?"

"I will study," the young man replies, "and God will provide for us."

"And how will you buy her a beautiful engagement ring, such as she deserves?" asks the father.
"I will concentrate on my studies," the young man replies, "God will provide for us."

"And children?" asks the father. "How will you support children?"

"Don't worry, sir, God will provide," replies the fiance.

The conversation proceeds like this, and each time the father questions, the young idealist insists that God will provide. Later, the mother asks, "How did it go, Honey?"

The father answers, "He has no job and no plans, but the good news is he thinks I'm God."

BBC: How Long Is the Average Tongue

This reminds me of a joke:

There was a very ugly man sitting at a bar surrounded by beautiful women, all competing to go home with him. A man who saw the event, said, "I don't see anything special about that guy. What's he got that I haven't got." 

A man who had been watching this for quite some time, said: "I don't know. He just sits there and sticks out his tongue, and licks his eyebrows."


Jimmy Fallon:
he number of single people in the U.S. is at its highest level in 38 years. I think the makers of Häagen-Dazs and the makers of Hot Pockets just high-fived each other.

Conan O'Brien:
Apple is now saying that the new Apple Watch needs to be charged every single day. Also charged every single day: someone in the NFL.

David Letterman:
They're now selling parking places in New York. You can buy a premium parking place for $1 million. Don't get the wrong idea. These New York parking places are not only for the wealthy. Anybody with $1 million can buy one. By the way, I understand there's a parking place available in the players' lot at the Baltimore Ravens' stadium. 

Jimmy Kimmel:

Apparently Taylor Swift and Katy Perry are fighting. That's according to my source, which is a group of 12-year-old girls I ran across in the street. Usually when you hear Katy Perry versus Taylor Swift, it's a drunk bachelorette party argument over what karaoke song to sing.

Seth Meyers:
It’s been discovered that a healthy 24-year-old woman in China has lived her whole life without a major part of her brain. Scientists are calling her “the lost Kardashian.”

A man bought a parrot from a pet store. The man didn't know it, but this parrot uses swear words all day long! He can swear for five minutes straight without repeating himself. The problem is that the man who bought him is a quiet, conservative man, and the bird's foul mouth is driving him crazy.

One day, the man got very angry at the parrot, so he grabbed the bird by the throat, shook him really hard, and yelled, "STOP IT !"

But that just made the bird mad and he swore more than ever.

So the man got angrier and said, "FINE! Swear all you want!" and he put the bird in the closet.

Now the parrot was really angry, so when the man let him out of the closet, he scratched him and bit him. He also swore a long string of swear words.

At that point, the guy got so mad that he threw the bird into the freezer!

For the first few seconds, there were terrible noises coming from the freezer. The bird kicked and clawed and swore. Then suddenly, it got very very quiet....

At first, the guy just waited, but then he started to think that the bird may be hurt or dying. So, after a couple of minutes of silence, he was so worried that he opened the freezer door.

The bird quietly climbed out of the freezer onto the man's arm and said: "I'm very sorry about the trouble I gave you. I'll do my best to improve my vocabulary from now on." The parrot was shaking because he was scared.

The man was astounded. He couldn't understand the transformation that came over the parrot.

Then with a shaking voice, the parrot said, "May I ask one question sir? What did the chicken do?"

One day at the entrance to heaven, St. Peter saw a New York street gang walk up to the Pearly Gates. This being a first, St. Peter ran to God and said, "God, there are some evil, thieving New Yorkers at the Pearly Gates. What do I do?".

God replied, "Just do what you normally do with that type. Re-direct them down to hell."

St. Peter went back to carry out the order and all of a sudden he comes running back yelling "God, God, they're gone, they're gone!"

"Who, the New Yorkers?".

"No, the Pearly Gates."



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