Monday, October 20, 2014

Too Bad It's Monday Humor + KATZ

Ten Reasons You May Not Be Planning to Go 
Trick or Treating this Year

10. You get winded from knocking on the door. 

9. You have to have another kid chew the candy for you. 

8. You ask for high fiber candy only. 

7. When someone drops a candy bar in your bag, you lose your balance and fall over. 

6. People say, "What a scary mask!" but you're not wearing a mask!

5. When the door opens you yell, "Trick or..." and can't remember the rest. 

4. By the end of the night, you have a bag full of restraining orders. 

3. You have to carefully choose a costume that won't dislodge your hairpiece. 

2. You're the only Power Ranger in the neighborhood with a walker. 

and last but not least...

1. You avoid going to houses where your ex-wives live

A Mexican bandit made a specialty of crossing the Rio Grande from time to time and robbing banks in Texas. The banks offered a reward for his capture, dead or alive, but offered a much larger award for the recovery of the stolen funds. An enterprising Texas Ranger decided to track him down. After a long and difficult search, he traced the bandit to his home town. On a hunch, he checked the town's cantina, and sure enough, there was the robber. The only other people in the bar were the bartender and a scrawny, older man at a back table.

The time was right to make a move. The ranger drew his revolver, charged into the cantina, and announced: "You are under arrest. I get a reward for you, dead or alive. Tell me where the money is, and I'll let you live. If you don't, I'll shoot you right here, and save myself the trouble of having to take you back to Texas alive." 

But the bandit didn't speak English, and the Ranger didn't speak Spanish. As it turned out, the scrawny man at the back of the bar happened to be a lawyer. He knew the robber, and was bilingual, and quickly offered to translate for the two of them. 

The ranger said: "Tell him that if he doesn't tell me where the loot is, I'll shoot him here and now." 

Upon hearing what the Ranger had said, and seeing the cold look in his eye, the bandit knew that the Ranger meant it - if he did not give up his loot, he was a dead man. Terrified, the bandit blurted out in Spanish that the loot was buried in an old barn at the outskirts of town. 

"What did he say?" asked the Ranger. 

The lawyer answered: "He said, 'You don't have the nerve to shoot me, Yankee swine.'"

One Liners:

Groucho Marx (1890-1977):
'I never forget a face, but in your case I’d be glad to make an exception.'

Billy Connolly (24 November 1942-):
'My definition of an intellectual is someone who can listen to the William Tell Overture without thinking of the Lone Ranger.'

W.C Fields (1880-1946):
'Start every day off with a smile and get it over with.'

Tommy Cooper (1921-1984)
'I'm on a whiskey diet. I've lost three days already.'

Les Dawson (1931-1993):
'My wife sent her photograph to the Lonely Hearts Club. They sent it back saying they weren't that lonely.'

Dorothy Parker (1893-1967):
'If you want to know what God thinks of money, just look at the people he gave it to.'

Bob Newhart (September 5, 1929-):
'I don't like country music, but I don't mean to denigrate those who do. And for the people who like country music, denigrate means 'put down'.

Jimmy Carr (15 September 1972-):
'I saw that show, 50 Things To Do Before You Die. I would have thought the obvious one was "Shout For Help". 

Noel Coward (1899-1973):
'Never trust a man with short legs… his brain’s too near his bottom.'

Oscar Wilde (1854-1900):
'The English country gentleman galloping after a fox is the unspeakable in full pursuit of the uneatable.'

Mark Twain (1835-1910):
'Age is an issue of mind over matter. If you don't mind, it doesn't matter.'

Bob Hope (1903-2003):
I remember my staff asking me when I was going to retire. I said when I could no longer hear the sound of laughter. He said: "That never stopped you before".

Joan Rivers (June 1933- September 2014):
'The first time I see a jogger smiling, I'll consider it.'

Bill Cosby (July 12, 1937-):
'Always end the name of your child with a vowel, so that when you yell the name will carry.'

Mae West (1893-1980):
'I used to be Snow White, but I drifted.'

Jay Leno (April 28, 1950-):
'Politics is just show business for ugly people.'

Jerry Seinfeld (April 29, 1954-):
'I wonder if illiterate people get the full effect of alphabet soup.'

Ambrose Bierce, author of The Devil's Dictionary (1842-1913):
'War is God's way of teaching Americans geography.'

Homer Simpson (1987-):
'Trying is the first step towards failure.'

Sir Winston Churchill (1874-1965):
'I may be drunk, Madame, but in the morning I will be sober and you will still be ugly.'

Oliver Hardy (1892-1957) to Stan Laurel (1890-1965):
'Well, here's another nice mess you've gotten me into.'

You might be a redneck if 
  • A night on the town includes city jail.
  • Any of your children are the result of a conjugal visit.
  • Counting sheep makes you more aroused than sleepy.
  • Directions to your house include "turn off the paved road."
  • During your wedding ceremony the minister said, "Do you, DeWayne, take Connie to be your old lady?"
  • Every room in your house is a junk room.
  • For your anniversary you take your wife to dinner at the Wal-Mart snack bar.
  • It's midnight and everyone on your street knows what album you're playing.
  • Most of your family have appeared on COPS.
  • None of the tires on your car are the same size.
  • People hear your car a long time before they see it.
  • Somebody hollers "Hoe Down" and your girlfriend hits the floor.
  • The beer truck delivers door-to-door in your neighborhood.
  • Your blood alcohol content has ever exceeded your I.Q. 
  • You have a home that's mobile and three cars that aren't!
  • You think the last words to the Star Spangled Banner are: Play Ball.

A ventriloquist goes to stay on a farm and is receiving a tour from the farmer.,As they approach the first field full of horses the ventriloquist decides to have some fun with the farmer. 

He walks upto a horse and says "so hows things on the farm?" Throwing his voice and pretending to be the horse he replies "Yeah,not bad the farmer feeds us well and looks after us" 

The farmer is absolutely speechless by this, The ventriloquist walks off towards the next field which is full of sheep, 

The farmer immediately runs after him in a state of panic shouting "DONT LISTEN TO THEM! THEY ARE ALL LYING BASTARDS!"

A blonde goes into Walmart, looks up and sees a thermos on the shelf, she ask a clerk, "What's that?" 

The clerk responds, "Haven't you ever heard of a thermos?" 

She says, "No, what does it do?" 

He says, "It keeps hot things hot and cold things cold." 

She says, "I'll take it." 

The next days, she goes to work, walks up to her boss and says, "I got this thermos, it's wonderful, it keeps hot things hot and cold things cold" 

her boss asks, "What do you have in there now?" 

She replies, "Chili and iced tea."



MY hoomin bean tinkz u b happyz 
wiff dat stufz downz dere. OK?