The teacher stood at the front of the room. “Does anybody know what this Monday is?”
About half of the students raised their hands. The teacher pointed to one of them. “It’s Columbus Day!” he crowed.
The teacher smiled. “It is. Does anybody know why we celebrate it?”
This time, only one student raised her hand. “It’s the day the Indians discovered Columbus!”
Much too true!
This Columbus Day, let’s berate the man who made the Washington Redskins possible.
A husband and wife attend a small service at the local church one Sunday morning. The man was very moved by the preacher's sermon, so he stopped to shake the preacher's hand. "Reverend, that was the best damn sermon I ever did hear!"
The Reverend replied, "Oh! Why, thank you sir, but please, I'd appreciate it if you didn't use profanity in the Lord's house."
"I'm sorry Reverend, but I can't help myself... it was such a damn good sermon!"
The Reverend replied, "Sir, please, I cannot have you behaving this way in Church!"
"Okay Reverend, but I just wanted you to know that I thought it was so damn good, that I put $5,000 in the collection plate."
The Reverend's eyes opened wide as he remarked, "No Shit!"
An Irish drunk staggered down the main street of the town. Somehow he managed to make it up the stairs to a cathedral and into the entrance, where he crashed from pew to pew, finally making his way to a side aisle and into a confessional.
A priest had observed all this, and figured the fellow needed some help, so he entered his side of the confessional. After the priest sat there in deathly silence, he finally asked, "May I help you, my son?"
"I dunno," came the drunk's voice from behind the partition. "You got any toilet paper on your side?"
There's a brunette walking down a set of railroad tracks saying,"34, 34, 34..." Then a blonde pulls up, gets out of her car, and says,"What are you doing?"
The brunette replies,"Just counting."
The blonde says,"May I join you?"
"Yes," replies the giggling brunette.
So the blonde and the brunette are now both walking down the railroad tracks saying,"34, 34, 34..." A train comes and the brunette jumps off the tracks as the blonde gets hit.
After the train passes, the brunette gets back on the tracks and says,"35, 35, 35..."
LATE NIGHT FUNNIES
Jimmy Fallon: "Today President Obama gave a speech in California to motivate young voters by discussing his commitment to new technology. Ironically, nobody heard him because they were all staring at their phones."
Jimmy Kimmel: "President Obama's in Los Angeles tonight for a night of fundraising and traffic jamming. Traffic is so bad here to start with, and when the president comes in it just gets so much worse. Here's the thing: Obama has no understanding of commuting because he works from home. He has a home office."
Seth Meyers: "Bookmakers have listed Pope Francis as the odds-on favorite to win the 2014 Nobel Peace Prize. So if you’re placing a bet on the results of the 2014 Nobel Peace Prize . . . you have a gambling problem."