There once was a girl who wasn't feeling very pretty so she went to a genie to make her pretty. The genie told her that to make her feel pretty, he would make it so that every time someone apologized to her her boobs would increase by one size.
Later the girl is walking down the street and someone bumps into her and says, "Oh, I'm sorry," and the woman's boobs went up one size.
Then someone accidentally stepped on her foot and said, "I'm sorry," and her boobs got one size bigger.
Then she's going into a store and a man from India bumps into her and says, "Oh my god! A thousand apologies!"
Two guys are walking thru the woods when they see a charging Grizzly Bear. First guy says "Run for it!"
Second guy says, "You can't outrun a Grizzly!"
First guy says "I don't have to outrun the bear, I just have to outrun YOU."
A group of wine experts has actually come up with a list of the best wines to pair with Halloween candy. They say, “White wine goes great with Skittles, red wine goes great with Twix, and . . .we're alcoholics, aren't we?”
Kim Kardashian said she might let her daughter North design clothes for her fashion line. I think North is up for it because she already created a bib that says "Get me out of here. Please, free me from these people!"
The CEO of Apple, Tim Cook, announced he is gay. Rival Samsung responded by saying their CEO is 50 percent more gay.
Former major league player Jose Canseco accidentally shot his finger off while cleaning his gun. On the bright side, he's taken so much human growth hormone that the finger grew right back.
Last night the San Francisco Giants beat the Kansas City Royals in Game 7 of the World Series. Condolences to the Royals fans and congratulations to the one Giants fan here in Los Angeles. It was a great game, and of course after the game fans in San Francisco celebrated as fans are known to do — by lighting their city on fire. I've never understood that.If your team wins, why not celebrate by destroying the other team's city?
Kellogg’s has reported a 31 percent drop in profits this quarter after sales of breakfast foods and snacks fell in the U.S. When asked how he’s doing, Tony the Tiger replied, “Not great.”
There was this preacher who was an avid golfer. Every chance he could get, he could be found on the golf course swinging away. It was an obsession. One Sunday was a picture perfect day for golfing. The sun was out, no clouds in the sky, and the temperature was just right. The preacher was in a quandary as to what to do, and shortly, the urge to play golf overcame him. He called an assistant to tell him that he was sick and could not do church, packed the car up, and drove three hours to a golf course where no one would recognize him. Happily, he began to play the course.
An angel up above was watching the preacher and was quite perturbed. He went to God and said, "Look at the preacher. He should be punished for what he is doing." God nodded in agreement.
The preacher teed up on the first hole. He swung at the ball, and it sailed effortlessly through the air and landed right in the cup three hundred and fifty yards away (as they say in basketball, nothing but net). A picture perfect hole-in-one. He was amazed and excited.
he angel was a little shocked. He turned to God and said, "Begging Your pardon, but I thought you were going to punish him."
God smiled. "Think about it -- who can he tell?"
A wife was in bed with her lover when she heard her husband's key in the door. "Stay where you are," she said. "He's so drunk he won't even notice you're in bed with me."
Sure enough, the husband lurched into bed none the wiser, but a few minutes later, through a drunken haze, he saw six feet sticking out at the end of the bed. He turned to his wife: "Hey, there are six feet in this bed. There should only be four. What's going on?"
"Nonsense," said the wife. "You're so drunk you miscounted. Get out of bed and try again. You can see better from over there."
For three years, the young attorney had been taking his brief vacations at this country inn. The last time he'd finally managed an affair with the innkeeper's daughter. Looking forward to an exciting few days, he dragged his suitcase up the stairs of the inn, then stopped short.
There sat his lover with an infant on her lap! "Helen, why didn't you write when you learned you were pregnant?" he cried. "I would have rushed up here, we could have gotten married, and the baby would have my name!"
"Well," she said, "when my folks found out about my condition, we sat up all night talkin' and talkin' and decided it would be better to have a bastard in the family than a lawyer."